Just peruse the men for men ads in your town’s Craigslist and you’ll find lots of guys looking for 
other barebackers. And no, I am not talking about riding a horse here (but maybe riding someone who is hung like one). 😀 Check out #bbbh on Twitter (that’s the bareback brotherhood for those not in the know); check out barebackrt.com (that’s the bareback real time hook up site). Hey, if you want to have sex without a condom, it seems there’s no end to the possibilities. If you want to see sex without condoms, turn to Treasure Island Media and their lovely documentary-style videos. Try Dawson’s 50-Load Weekend if you want to see a wholesome lad giving selflessly of himself again and again.
Once upon a time, all this barebacking stuff would have been unthinkable. Back in the late 80s and early 90s, when AIDS hung like a specter over the gay community, dealing death and sickness relentlessly, sites and movie production companies like the ones above would have been viewed with outrage.
Then along came protease inhibitors, drug cocktails that almost magically changed the AIDS/HIV landscape, transforming a death sentence into an expensive but mostly manageable illness.
The fear dissipated. Men always had sex without protection, even in the heyday of the virus, but today, it’s so common it’s almost banal. Drugs like crystal meth have helped barebacking along its route to everyday usage.
Now, I am not writing here today to warn anyone, to judge anyone, or to debate the merits or drawbacks of having sex (anal sex in particular) without the benefit of a condom. But I am writing to comment on the use of condoms in gay romance.
From my own anecdotal reading experience (and my writing experience), it seems that sex with condoms is more the norm here in m/m romanceland, maybe even more than in the real world. Most m/m authors I’ve read have their characters wrap that Willie unless the time period would make it not make sense, or unless there’s some other mitigating factor (our heroes have both tested negative and decide to throw caution—and Trojans—to the wind).
Personally, I try and have my characters behave responsibly when it comes to safe sex. While 
my books are not here to educate or to stand on a safer sex soapbox, I do feel it’s my responsibility to present a world where my characters kind of naturally fall into safe sex rhythms. Even in my latest, Raining Men, reviewed here my man-whore main character, Bobby Nelson, uses condoms for anal, even though he’s pretty risky otherwise and none too choosy.
But the reason I’m thinking about this topic today is because something stuck in my head from the comments to my last column, which was all about the phenomenon of the ‘gay for you’ character. I’m not opening that Pandora’s Box again, but I will say that one of the comments I got, perhaps more than once, was that gay romance was all about fantasy. This ‘fantasy’ stance was used to counter my argument that ‘gay for you’ was rare in real life and I often didn’t buy it in fiction.
So, after the comments from that column died down, I wondered why m/m romance writers pretty much uniformly present characters who use condoms. If the romance is pure fantasy, why do some writers then feel the need to present their characters using condoms? Why not just go whole hog (or bareback) with the fantasy and have characters dispense with the condoms and enjoy skin-on-skin contact because, after all, in a romantic fantasy, there would be no consequences for such behavior?
But, in general, we don’t do that. We may have characters that fall in insta-love or become gay for you, but yet we still have them put on a condom when it comes time for some good old fashioned butt drilling.
I’m just throwing this out there because it seems like a bit of a contradiction and certainly not to criticize or suggest we dispense with portraying condom use in our romantic fiction. As someone who is intimately acquainted with the virus both before and after it was “manageable,” I applaud the efforts to include precautionary tactics in gay romance, but I’m just wondering how readers would react if we did away with the condom use in, say, a contemporary romance. Would you feel sympathetic toward an unabashed barebacker? Would you read stories in which the idea of a condom was not really even considered? That is true to real life for many these days and I suppose one could say, as some bareback filmmakers have said, that the depiction of unsafe sex is for fantasy purposes (and some even go so far as to suggest that it might prevent unsafe behavior by giving a safe alternative to actually doing it, but that’s another column).
What do you think? Does bareback sex have a place in gay romance? Could you love a barebacking romantic hero? Or would you shudder for him and worry about the consequences of his behavior?
I’m just curious. Let me know you think.
Rick R. Reed’s Contact Information:
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Umm, I personally don’t want to read about people (in MM or even MF) having unsafe sex and being careless. I don’t doubt that men and women are having unsafe sex in real life. But that’s not something that I condone. I only imagine that authors are playing the safe card here and avoiding comments from people like myself that would see the practice of unsafe sex on a book and assume the authors is condoning it.
Thanks, Mercedes. I agree with you, unless the unsafe sex is there for a specific reason and it’s acknowledged (e.g. a couple who have both been tested and are monogamous decide to throw away the condoms–but even this scenario is not a smart one in real life because there is a window period when one can be positive but not detectable and because one never can really be certain what a partner is doing). As a general rule, I think safe sex in our genre is a good thing…and responsible.
–but even this scenario is not a smart one in real life because there is a window period when one can be positive but not detectable and because one never can really be certain what a partner is doing
I did a lot of research into various aspects of bareback culture and couples who choose to bareback (which is different from the culture of barebacking with multiple partners or strangers) recently for writing reasons. (A short story came out of that research and I’m hopeful it will be accepted by the press I submitted it to recently. We’ll see.) Anyway, one of the things I ran into again and again when reading about monogamous couples who choose to bareback was a discussion of intimacy and the role it plays in the exchange of semen.
One researcher looked at how sex has been experienced by humans throughout time, and that for many people there is a huge subconscious, nearly primal desire to receive and give semen to/with your sex partner. Many gay men report feeling quite angry about being told that it isn’t safe to have unprotected sex with anyone, not even their monogamous partner, because they feel they were being told they must deny themselves an intimacy afforded to heterosexuals simply because they are gay. After all, HIV/AIDS affects heterosexuals, too, but people aren’t as adamant about committed couples wrapping it up.
Your comment about not being sure what your partner is up to at any given time…that applies to heterosexuals, too. But we don’t see people reading heterosexual books featuring married/monogamous partners getting all up in arms about AIDS or HIV when the couple chooses not to use condoms.
In actual life, most married heterosexual people don’t use condoms. Truth be told, when the time came when me and my husband (then boyfriend) agreed to stop using condoms (because I was on the pill and we were committed) I realized how much I liked the intimacy of the semen deposit (ahahaha!). I liked having that left behind and I know many people who feel the same way. I have thought to myself that if something happened in our relationship that we had to start using condoms again, I would feel that I’d lost something intimate and important. I’d mourn that we had to stop having bareback sex. I’d feel a bit angry even.
So, after doing the research about gay men and barebacking, I’ve been wondering about the message to monogamous gay men that it’s not safe for them to stop using condoms because they can’t be sure where their partner has been. Heterosexuals also can’t be sure where their partners have been. They have to trust them. And yet they don’t get the message that they should use condoms just in case their partner is unfaithful and gives them HIV. Which happens. It’s a message given to gays, though, all the time. You must wrap it up or you’re not being smart. The research I read showed that many gay men would rather share intimacy with the man they trust than be “smart”.
Now, the rest of bareback culture is another huge long story and I find it equally interesting, but seeing you say that it’s not smart even in a committed relationship to go without wrapping the willy reminded me of all that I’d researched and read about that.
All of this to say, I’d be open to reading a book with men who make the choice to bareback for all the reasons they choose to do so. I would be surprised, though, if the author didn’t feel compelled to include a character to chastise them for their choice. I’d assume that’s realistic though, since I doubt gay men are applauded by most of their friends for barebacking behavior. *ponders* Anyway, yes, bring it! People make all kinds of choices and books are good place to explore those choices, imo.
I’m in the older demographic of m/m readers and very clearly remember the late 80’s/early 90’s and how hard my activist friends worked to encourage condom use. Everyone, every time, no matter what. So while I can easily accept GFY fantasy (which to me is always just latent bi-sexuality, not straight-to-gay), I judge the hell out of fictional characters who don’t use them in the early stages of a relationship. Oddly, though I’m not particularly judgmental about real men that don’t. I guess to *me* the fantasy is to always be sensible and safe in the heat of the moment. One of my favorite authors writes a lot of insta-love fantasies and almost always has her characters go bareback right away (but I LOVE you, trust me!). While I enjoy her stories, I cringe at that every single time.
Honestly, for me the best fiction is as grounded in reality as possible (which is why with that one exception, I hate insta-love), and that goes for using condoms and protecting oneself physically and emotionally until you are as certain as you can reasonably be without superpowers.
In the proper context, just as you stated, I’m okay with it, but I don’t think I could really embrace a character that has such reckless disregard for the consequences of his/her behavior. I prefer my heroes to think with BOTH heads before they take the plunge!
When I do read a book and the charactes have unprotected sex the writer ususally tells us they are a mystic creature and cannot get “human” diseases or if it is humans they are commented to one another. Sometimes I get a tad upset if say a commented couple finds themselves with a cheater (aarrgghh) and the one that was left behind isn’t cautious in his next adventure of sex. Barebacking just to do it is still very dangerous I think. So there is my two cents.
Rick
As I mentioned to you when I saw this post in draft, I have said before that I don’t understand why readers/authors/publishers insist that men in gay romances “glove up” if these books are fantasy. Just last month, many readers in response to your post on GFY, insisted that this trope was okay with them even though it was unrealistic and didn’t happen in RL because M/M was supposed to be fantasy just like other romances. Clearly readers are not as insistent that men in het romances glove up because many of those stories feature women having unplanned pregnancies. So why the difference? Are gay men considered to be more irresponsible in their sexual practices in these books than straight men in het romances? Are romance readers being discriminatory? Writers of paranormal romances get around this insistence about the use of condoms for men in M/M by inventing the “fact” that weres/dragons/vampires etc. can’t spread the HIV virus, and no one, or very few readers (as far as I know) have complained. 😆
Alas, I replied once but the site ate it! Let’s try again! 🙂
In my experience the bias exists in actual life, too. We can say it is because anal sex is more likely to transmit the virus, but we will still condemn and judge gay men who don’t use condoms in otherwise “safe” (if anything can be safe) moments. For example, if two virgins make a considered choice to have sex without a condom, there will be different responses if the people are heterosexual or gay men. If they are heterosexual, the only question that will come up is birth control and then it will be, “If you’re sure you’re monogamous, then….” But when it comes to gay men, the response is going to be, “Wrap it up every time! No excuses! You never know where you’re partner’s been!” And that, according to research I’ve seen, creates an atmosphere of distrust in a relationship, undermining it early on, and some gay men say it impedes their ability to feel truly intimate with their partner because society encourages them to be suspicious and to put a literal barrier up in their sex.
I find it all pretty interesting and while I believe that people should make considered choices, I am empathetic to any number of choice that people–whether they be real people or imaginary characters–make.
*your
OMG, I type English good one day! 😛
Word Press just ate my reply to you. Damn!
The point I was making was that readers wink and forgive MCs in het romance if there’s not a single condom in sight because 9 months later out will come an adorable baby. In the case of gay men, they can’t make a baby by themselves so readers are pissed that they had unprotected sex and don’t forgive them. No baby, no forgiveness.
One of the issues that never seems to come up in these discussions is about the number of people who contract HIV, Hepatitis B and C etc. from sharing needles. There’s no sex involved, but the statistics that are used by authors/publishers/readers to insist on condoms and turn thumbs down on unprotected sex in M/M ignore that there could be other reasons why someone contracted HIV . We know that statistics don’t lie, let’s not give the entire picture and confuse anyone. 😕 After all, only gay men have HIV. Right? Let’s also ignore the senior citizens and young women who make up a huge contingent of the new infection rates in RL and just zero in on gay men.
Hi Rick Reed!
Recently, I had a boy call me to tell me he had been diagnosed with HIV, the same week another came to me with the fear that he had herpes. So I had this very conversation with a few friends in the industry about how they approach this issue and the answer was the same – condoms suck. They take away stimulation, they’re uncomfortable, and they don’t like them but they TRY to use them every time in their personal life to stay safe. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t. Personally, I portray safe sex in books (either condoms, or testing in an established relationship) because I have male fans, young male fans, and I want them to be safe. I like that condoms are the norm in M/M fiction because it sends the right message to teens that get a hold of our books (and they do, just like we read Harlequins at that age). My YA stuff will always include healthy, safe, respectful sex for that reason.
Barebacking is absolutely part of the realism of sex and should be portrayed in fiction, especially with consequence – because for some, there are serious ones.
<3
JP
Thanks, JP! I feel exactly as you do, and I respect your real-life experience.
I always give a silent cheer when I read couples asking about safe sex and then following through with using condoms and then when they commit they test and then go bareback.
I work for my states AIDS council, what you write reinforces the message we give out and you aren’t preachy, you make it what it is, a precaution against a whole range of sti’s no one wants and should never dismiss as something you can just get rid of with a handful of pills. I see what HIV has done to my clients that were diagnosed 20 years ago and I see what the realisation of being tested HIV+ now looks like.
I agree, it is fiction, it is pretend and an escape, but we all look for things we relate to and the safe sex message is a good one to keep in mind.
I just had to think about T.A. Webb “Let’s hear it for the boy”. This is a great book portraying exactly as you said, what happend without a condom. And I’m just as happy that such a book is published in 2013 as if in 1990. Because HIV will never get inimportant.
“If the romance is pure fantasy, why do some writers then feel the need to present their characters using condoms?” Because in fantasy, unlike real life, heroes act responsibly. As for going “whole hog”, you’re thinking of the wrong fantasy. Raincoat removal is the fantasy of the men who read erotica or especially who watch porn (a naked dick is prettier), not of the women who read romance. In my own work, if the couple is monogamous, I don’t mention condoms or their absence, and if my couplers are using them, I only say so in the first sex scene and leave it up to the reader to assume they’re consistent. I’ve read M/M where each time the same two guys tumble into bed or onto the couch or slam up against the shower wall, out comes the little foil packet. Condoms were meant to roll onto one’s penis, not to hit me over the head with.
Raincoat removal is the fantasy of the men who read erotica or especially who watch porn (a naked dick is prettier), not of the women who read romance.
I agree with most of your post here, Anel, with one exception and that is the above quote. I hate condoms — hate with the passion of a thousand burning suns and so I like to see them come off (yes, safely, but I like to see it). As Leta above pointed out, I think there is definitely a romantic element to the intimacy that can come from it. No, not all men look at things from an “intimacy” point of view, but some do and I think it’s definitely part of romance, to me.
Raincoat removal is the fantasy of the men who read erotica or especially who watch porn (a naked dick is prettier), not of the women who read romance.
I’m curious what makes you say that? I’m a woman and I know plenty of other women who, if the situation presents itself in a way that makes sense in the story, is open to and will enjoy reading erotica/romance featuring raincoat-free sex. Quite frankly, condoms don’t feature in any of my fantasies as a woman, whereas a man’s semen absolutely does.
I’m a woman and I enjoy reading about all sorts of irresponsible men 😉 They’re the fantasy bad boys, not my partner. Whether a character uses a condom or doesn’t, can tell the reader something about their personality.
It’s still fantasy – but the fantasy that all men are resonsible and take care of themselves and their partners.
I think it’s nice that for once the stereotype of the responsible guy, who uses condoms, that is created in books, is a useful one. And to be honest – we want the realism in that parts of the story that don’t interfere with our fairy tale wish. We want to believe in the good parts, the responsible condom-using guy, the first love, the GFY (or better..ups, I wasn’t as straight as I thought), the soulmate, the HEA. This is what we want to read. The bad parts like homophobie, violence, abuse, etc. are there to create the tension, the conflict that can be solved by our heros and their love.
That aside I have read my share of books when the guys are barebacking, not all books favor the sensible man. Sometimes it’s okay because they are both “virgins”, sometimes one is and the other got tested because of job or hospital stay…etc. Then there are all PNR-guys, who are imun anyway.
But still there is a share of books where men have unprotected sex and don’t care (e.g. Afflicted by Brandon Shire). And I recall reading a book only a few weeks ago where they forgot the condom in the heat of the action…just don’t remember which book it was. So – it happens, if I’m okay with it depends on the book itself.
I guess it all depends, as it always does, on the writer, the writing, and how it’s handled. A good writer creates credibility.
Exactly
Rick’s question raises the issue not of ‘safe sex’ but of realism versus romance. Yes of course we want stories that are both fantasy and real. This would mean, as Barnaby says above, knowing the difference. Some stories would show condom use, others would not. Some might show some consequences of bare-backing. For many men, condoms take away the idea of spontaneity, excitement and indeed risk – always a factor in gay sex, whether from violence or discovery.
Yes a writer can establish from the outset that people use condoms, without it encroaching into an erotic storyline. Maybe we should have a ‘safe’ symbol, stating that “No character has been harmed in the making of this book”?
As a writer, I love my characters. I want them to be safe, and to have the self-respect to take care of themselves and the partners they love. My characters almost always have this discussion, even if they decide against condom use.
You’re right, books are fantasy, but in my fantasy at least the two people involved care enough about each other to have that conversation. I’m sure that it doesn’t always happen in real life, but for me it’s something I want to happen – for people to give a damn enough about the people they sleep with, regardless of sexual orientation – to at least broach the subject.
Consider it part of the idealistic worlds we authors depict.
if I read m/m romance it’s pure escapism (yes, scifi and fantasy are my fave genres). hence I don’t want to be confronted with things like STDs (unless that’s the point of the story of course). so yes, unsafe sex has its place, especially since the context of the story often doesn’t designate it as unsafe.
if a romance is set in a current setting, the author can always opt to not disclose either way whether it’s (un)safe. also fine by me…
Great columns, Rick. In my mind, suspension of disbelief only goes so far. When barebacking is the norm for a character, I do tend to judge. I sometimes sympathize with him because of his issues or worry for his partners or just plain think he’s an idiot.
I am a straight woman, so, not really being part of the culture , it is hard for me to know what IS the norm. I have assumed that since the start of the Aids epidemic condoms have become and stayed the way to go. I think they are ridiculous in oral sex in M/M romance, but I expect them to be used during anal sex.
I see deciding to go without condoms as a commitment issue. It is a point that is reached in a relationship where both partners decide to test and throw the Trojans to the wind as you so hilariously put it. I’m just a girl. And a romantic at heart. So take my opinion with a big grain of estrogen!
I’m one of the older readers too, so recall in horror the fear of the 80s and 90s and how condoms were viewed as absolutely essential for responsible caring lovers. With that baggage I tend to feel unsympathetic to a protagonist who ignores the risk, not just of HIV but of the other nasties that we are told are on the increase.
I usually write historicals where condom use would be anachronistic, though I’m interested in their use after the late 15th/early 16th century when I believe they were used to combat the spread of syphilis. I’m positive that then, too, there were plenty of men who felt that the additional contact made it well worth the risk. My husband tells me that the best analogy that I might understand is that making love wearing a condom is like getting a scalp massage while wearing a motorcycle helmet.
Something I find interesting is that in historicals, despite the rampant STDs back then, no one ever worries about that, but in contemporary stories, we just can’t let it go for the sake of the fantasy. *ponders*
Part of that, I think, is that depending on *when* in historicals, condoms were simply not that common. And further back, even, the diseases that we know today were not as common, either.
Yes, they existed (condoms, that is) but most thought of them more to protect pregnancy than from disease (at least, according to my research).
Interesting. I’d always assumed STDs to be rather plentiful in history. But, if they weren’t, I’d be willing to assume that much of the strict policing sex back then had as much to do with preventing the spread of disease as it did ensuring paternity. *ponders*
I will preface my comments by saying I don’t want to step on any toes. I am not a fellow author, I am merely a consumer of your product… a reader. So I have no idea how you view your role as an author in relation to your readers. But as a 50+ year-old woman, I can say that my expectations from novels I read are purely and simply entertainment. I want you to tell me a story. Hopefully one that is interesting and thought-provoking. That being said, the plot and characters have to be believeable unless, of course, you are writing something in the fantasy genre where anything goes. So the circumstances have to be somewhat believeable. If you try to convince me that a 35-year-old OCD germaphobe is engaging in unprotected sex with some guy he just met in a bar, you might be stretching my imagination even beyond its normally limitless bounds. On the other hand, it’s not out of the realm of possibilities to expect that a character, such as Bobby in Raining Men, would occasionally engage in unprotected sex. I’m not looking for my fictional reading material to educate me or provide answers to life’s unsolved mysteries and I don’t believe it is your intent to take on that responsibility, nor would it be fair for me to impose that on you. All that being said, I think YA authors do have an inherent burden not imposed on the writers of more adult fiction as their audience is quite often looking for role models and guidance that the older crowd is not seeking. So their role in relation to their reader can be quite different. When I pick up a book, I have no preconceived notions of what the characters should be or how they should act… if I did, I might as well be writing the story myself. They are your characters. You tell me their story. The world is full of all kinds of interesting characters and they all have a story to tell.
Even Bobby in Raining Men uses condoms, proving that one can be a slut and be safe too.
Oh, but Bobby didn’t use condoms 100% of the time. And it was his Russian Roulette attitude toward life that made him such a compelling character. Which sort of drives home the point I was trying to make. To use condoms or not doesn’t (for me) add to or take away from the fantasy or romanticism so much as it gives you a peek into the personality and aspects of the character himself.
Like the last commenter, I’m a reader not a writer. After reading m/m romance for years, condoms during sex are just part of mood setting and have become background noise. Even in fantasy, characters must obey certain basic realities. They eat, they wear clothes, they glove up. Sometimes the condom is a big production and it detracts from the eroticism of the moment. I personally hate the ‘do you have supplies?’ question. I hate tying off condoms. Who does that?! Who has the energy to work with a slippery condom after sex? But mostly, the condom is a symbol of the characters’ self respect and respect for the partner. It shows that the guys are worthy and at least somewhat responsible.
I don’t think we can eliminate the ‘ick factor’ with respect to anal either for women readers. Condoms protect against more than STDs at least in our minds. (Lest anyone flame, I’m a frequent practitioner of the act with my wife (f/f), sans condom.) No one wants a character doing something gross.. whether it be barebacking with a stranger/new lover or backbacking without ‘preparation’.
We need to talk about spit for lube! That is WAY more controversial.
Spit works. Not well, granted, and it takes a whole lot of it.
And when you use nothing but spit, the sex can hurt.
I flinched during Brokeback Mountain because that was SO not enough spit.
Nothing controversial there. It works, but there are better options.
Rick,
To be honest, I never even thought about that aspect. It makes one wonder, should the characters use them, after a length of time if they both trust each other, do they discard them for bareback? Since the majority of our readers are female, should we consider giving them the fantasy or the reality of life? Then again, when does barebacking become sexually acceptable to us? Now that HIV/AIDs is a breath away from a cure, does barebacking become normal again? Or are we cursed to experience love via latex? Now I don’t expect unsafe sex with multiple partners, thats not safe. Best advice was off the movie, A league of their own. ‘Avoid the clap, Jimmy DUgan.’ HIV/AIDS has scared us for so long, we’ve done what we could to protect ourselves and that became normal. Now with it fading away, will lovemaking without it become normal, again? That’s the fantasy. Because the truth is, some of us write romance. And some of us write straight up porn and just like porn connoisseurs out there, some like it wrapped and others don’t. It inhibits the fantasy.
I suspect that in porn you have less of a responsibility because porn, by its very nature, is meant to be a masturbatory aid. Personally, I don’t necessarily want to be reminded of “reality” when I watch porn and I confess I do watch BB porn. But romance, gay romance, is another matter and I guess my views come down on the side of showing responsible behavior with our characters unless there’s a good reason for them to forego it. As Marshall said, once you introduce BB into a romance, the story becomes more about THAT. That’s maybe the reason I had my main character in RAINING MEN use condoms when, in all probability, a man whore like he was would not have. But with his many multiple partners, he almost certainly would have turned up HIV+ and I didn’t want to focus on that, since the story was really about something else.
Right on.
I am in my mid 40s. AIDS hit the generation and half-generation before mine hard. It hit mine hard in a different way: it made us timid. Of the gay guys I went to school with, none were fabulous. They all dated girls (usually me, it was a standing joke at the 10 year reunion) and stayed as deeply in the closet as possible.
A contemporary character who is hooking up casually and barebacking is anathema to me. (But I’m a birth control militant to start with, even my straight characters use it constantly) It’s one thing for historicals, and another for paranormals, and the same even for post-apocalyptic fiction, after all the condoms have expired. But a contemporary or recent historical (1980s)? Oh hell no. This guy is literally too stupid to live. I don’t read books about stupid people.
As a writer, I write things as I want them to be. I feel an obligation to do things right and set a good example for my readers. Enthusiastic consent. Honor prior commitments. Condom every time in contemporaries. Negotiation and safeword every time in BDSM. Because yes, some kid is going to imitate something he or she has read in my book and I want it to work and inspire the same positive sensations as my character is having, not be a nightmare of fumbling, pain and tears. I was that kid. I want better for my readers.
I am loving all the thoughtful comments you all are posting. It reaffirms my belief that the readers (and writers) in our genre are thoughtful people and make me grateful that you are the ones for whom I write.
I am not a writer, but I do read more than any person really should. I have to say that I like when the characters in the books I read protect themselves and their partners. Whether it is M/F or M/M. I don’t think there are many people that can look back at their youth and not cringe at some of the decisions we made. I don’t think every novel needs to be a PSA on safe-sex. Not at all. However, I do feel that there is nothing wrong with having characters be responsible. Will there be moments, in the heat of sex, where our heroes may forget? Sure that is human, that is real. I guess what I am trying to say is, have them wrap it until there comes a time that both partners feel it is safe to trust each other without. I feel that goes more along with reality.
From a writing perspective, I think that including bareback sex derails your story (I think including condoms in stories set prior to 1984 does, as well). Once you introduce barebacking, that’s what your story is about.
That said, my experience is that condoms are virtually never used for oral sex – since transmission is so rare – so, seeing condoms used for oral sex is derailing for me since it’s so incredibly unrealistic.
HIV is more treatable, but it,hasn’t disappeared, and it’s still not curable. And people still die from the complications and long term effects. Barebacking in fiction has to come with current test results–a clean test seemingly takes the place of a condom! I did read about a thing called “hunting the bug” I think? Self-destructive young people trying to,get the HIV virus. They never saw the tragic days,of the pandemic, so they think its cool? I don’t know. But barebacking without those test results makes me uncomfortable, unless there is a long term committed relationship. Besides, chlamydia, herpes, syphillis, gonorrhea and other STDs are still thriving! None of them are worth the risk.
Besides, chlamydia, herpes, syphillis, gonorrhea and other STDs are still thriving! None of them are worth the risk.
None of these diseases is mentioned in het romances or any other romance for that matter, yet as you said, we all know they exist. However in our M/M world only HIV/Aids is stressed by authors who insist on condoms whether in YA or M/M romance. Is it only men who back door? Of course not. A large percentage of women practice this form of sex today. Yet there’s hardly any mention of contracting any of the above diseases either from anal or vaginal sex in het romance when I used to read het. There are even warnings on some publishers’ web sites (that sell these books) about male/male sexual practices being offensive to readers. Are they warning about “gay” sex or the backdoor aspect in general? If it’s the latter, which is practiced by both men and women, why is this warning not placed on het romances?
I just find it hypocritical and homophobic to write/sell/read these books and have such different views about gay sex. Are gay men less than? If we feel it’s icky then don’t write/publish/read these books. Sexually transmitted diseases should not be treated lightly but this goes for both het and M/M romances, however there’s a hand wave to condoms in het romances in most of the books I read, Let’s be consistent in both het and M/M romance. Clearly, many of the characters in het do not practice safe sex, going by the number of unplanned pregnancies in het romances – actually I think that’s a trope all on its own in Harlequin – having the boss’s baby or some such thing. 🙂 If the romance genre is going to insist that men glove up that should go for straight, bi or gay men, not just the latter. *getting off my soapbox now* 🙂
Yes! This! Thanks for getting on that soapbox, Wave! 🙂
Bowing to your brilliance Wave!
I can’t comment on what it’s like now, since I don’t look at enough blurbs to have a feel for it. But back when The Syndicate came out from Loose Id, warnings for anal sex were commonplace on m/f erotic romance titles; as far as I could tell because it *was* squicky for a lot of readers, regardless of the gender of the owner of the anus. It may have changed over the years as readers got used to the idea.
On the main, er, thrust of the article — sometimes writers have the guys wrap up because the publisher says that the house policy is that the guys will wrap up. Most of my guys who get out the packet do so because I want them to — but there is one story of mine where the condom was *not* in the version as sent to the publisher.
I seem to recall that Brandon Shire got a fair amount of flack (on GR, at least) for featuring characters who barebacked almost from the get-go in Afflicted 1 & 2. Admittedly, that was because one of them was a male escort, but I thought his handling of the subject–about how the need for that primal claiming/connection can override common sense and caution–was both very brave and very realistic, and it actually influenced my thinking on the subject because it gave some insight, I think, into how actual gay men–not the idealized one we female m/m authors carry around in our heads–feel about the subject. This was reinforced recently when I had a gay man beta reading for me and had a character worrying about a specific issue and he was just like “what? No. This doesn’t happen. It’s no big deal.” In my head, I had assumed it would be a really big deal, but nope. Apparently not.
In my Impulse trilogy, I dealt with a couple who had to use condoms for everything because there was a very significant chance that one partner was positive and they were waiting to find out the verdict there. It became a very big stumbling block for the characters, not so much for anal but definitely for oral, and I ended up putting more emphasis on their desire to dispense with condoms than I had intended to because the characters really began digging in their heels and saying “no, this is not what we want, let’s deal with the fact that we don’t want this” (what? I’m an author. I don’t control these guys, they control me.)
On the other end of the spectrum, in my upcoming novel Strain, I’m dealing in a world that is 10+ years post-apocalypse. Even if the very unique situation didn’t require barebacking, after so long all the condoms would be expired, especially in a non-climate-controlled world where the cycles of heat and cold aren’t modulated. This brought up a rather interesting realization in regards to the specific scenario when I ended up discussing the situation the women in this setting found themselves in.
Not sure I have a point here, except to say that it’s an interesting question and Leta Blake is right, it actually kinda points out places where our thinking is still perhaps a little homophobic and hypocritical. I can accept that in these idealized worlds, the fantasy that all men are responsible and do the responsible thing prevails. But why does it only prevail in m/m romance? In het romance, people handwave the possibility of disease and pregnancy all the time and the heroes don’t get dinged for being “irresponsible” and thus ruining the fantasy if they raw dog it. There’s a bit of a double standard here, I think.
I think you’re right, Amelia. And it is a conundrum–being responsible versus being realistic. If it’s fantasy, why have them use condoms at all. And, I hadn’t thought of this, if it’s fantasy, they would always use condoms. I think we ultimately have to go what our gut tells us is right for the stories and for our characters.
Not sure I have a point here, except to say that it’s an interesting question and Leta Blake is right, it actually kinda points out places where our thinking is still perhaps a little homophobic and hypocritical.
Ha! I love to read the words “Leta Blake is right”!
mHmm Rick, not trying to stir nothing up eh? Right 😛
Honestly this is an excellent topic. I’ve seen it debated on just about every forum I’ve been on that has M/M fiction. I think some of the opposition is no one wants to be seen as ‘that’ person who doesn’t practice safe sex. No one wants to admit they do or have done it. So you’ll find very few supporters of the practice, even among those who bareback. There is also that element from those of us who came of age [or came out] just as the epidemic hit hard. Nothing turned me off faster than someone who suggested we do that in the early stages of a relationship, so that prejudice has followed me to fiction I suppose.
But let me take a slightly different tack on the fantasy of m/m romance. The fantasy element extends mostly to things like finding insta love, finding that perfect person, that perfect love and having it all work out – dare I say – perfect. The perfect person in a fantasy is kind, loving, caring, thoughtful, loves his partner more than himself. For many of us, using a condom until there is a good reason NOT to is the embodiment of all that. Perhaps it’s not the perfect way to have sex, but it is the perfect way to show how much you love the other person. I think the ‘ideal’ person to many people is one who practices safe sex all the time, every time. This might not be the ideal sex partner for many, but I’d also propose that for many who DO BB, their ideal self would practice safe sex all the time too.
So on the one hand it might not be the reality of life that so few people BB on the first date, on a random hook up etc, but it might be the reality of what most people see as the perfect person who exists only in a bit of fiction/fantasy.
For what it’s worth, I’m in the camp of no glove, no love when I write and I prefer it when I read. I’ll move past it and I won’t let it derail me in the story, but I definitely prefer it when I read.
Andy
Thanks for sharing that, Andy and I think what you’re saying is that safe sex does indeed play into the fantasy element of gay romance, which is interesting, since the question I posed was that if it’s fantasy, why bother? You said very eloquently why.
Another fascinating post Rick! As a het girl I can only speak as a reader. I’m “anal” about one thing – consistency. If they’re using condoms or not it should be consistent. That will take me out of a story if I’m wondering what happened. Also I don’t need all the details unless it’s part of foreplay. It’s enough for me to read “they prepped themselves” and “they were disposed of”. Just like other bodily functions I’m going to assume these things occur. I loved the Brandon Shire books and others that are “BFY” – bareback for you – if the characters have always been safe before they got together. As with other premises sometimes it’s just a personal preference/pet peeve.
Thanks, Mary! So you’re a het girl? Who knew? And Brandon Shire and barebacking keep coming up. I am going to have to add him to my “must-read” list ASAP.
Yup, I liked Afflicted, you should read it.
I’m half way through Afflicted, Rick. I really think you will like it. I’ll be reviewing it in a couple of weeks. 🙂 Based on how much I’m enjoying this book I’ll check out the sequel as well. 🙂
I’ve written several books where at one point or another the condom will be forgotten or just chosen not to be used. Invariably readers throw fits about it. I think most authors, myself included, choose to use condoms because even though they can break up the mood in stories just like they can in real life, it’s a small price to pay in exchange for not being condemned as endorsing some kind of disease culture. I truly enjoyed writing my current sci fi series because I was able to use advanced medicine as a way out of the condom trap.
Great post, Rick – and great comments.
My stories tend to take place before 1980, so “safer sex” is never a part of the stories. Having worked as a social worker in a terminal care facility for PWA’s, I always include a note about safer sex in the introduction or afterwards. Although I understand the basics of safer sex, I’ve been blessed with a monogamous relationship which predates HIV. Simply put, I place most of my stories in the period of my “bachelorhood” because I would find it difficult to casually work in the rubbers. I’d have no problem with the “negotiation” phase (no glove, no love) since I’ve taught clients how to do that.
One of the problems we have to discuss is publishers expectations. Some publishers insist in safer sex in all stories: fantasy, Sci-fi and historical. I remember a few months ago when a writer complained in FB that the publisher was insisting on condoms in the sex scenes of their new story – which took place during the invasion of Normandy during World War Two!
I’m currently working on a contemporary story with shape-shifters, and when it gets to sex, I am making it clear that “WE can’t get that, so we don;lt need to worry.”
a writer complained in FB that the publisher was insisting on condoms in the sex scenes of their new story – which took place during the invasion of Normandy during World War Two!
Now that is really funny. Maybe the publisher needs a history lesson. 😆
I will continue to read my paranormal stories, especially the ones with dragons, because I don’t have to worry about the transmission of any sexual disease when they get together, sans condom, and let the fire fly. :whistle:
In romance the protagonists are expected to be likable. Even those readers who are not old enough to remember the AIDS epidemic know enough about it to find characters who engage in condomless sex unlikeable. It’s right up there with “cheating”. In real life there are plenty of gay men in relationships who are not monogamous, but it doesn’t fly in romance.
As someone else already said, to me GFY is really the character coming to terms with his latent bisexuality. If I see that in the story it works for me. Otherwise it doesn’t. Although…I read something in Christopher Isherwood’s memoir that stuck with me. It was a bout a lover who liked to screw straight guys. Unfortunately, he didn’t elaborate.
What would you like him to elaborate on, Lou? Orientation is one thing, behavior is another. I think straight men engaging in gay sex is not as rare as some might think–and certainly the opposite is very true, especially in years gone by.
I have my fictional guys use condoms in any contemporary M/M I write, unless they are virgins with major trust in each other, or monogamous and tested. After committing to monogamy, my guys definitely bareback, because as someone said, to do otherwise (unless you’re a germophobe top and want the condoms for that reason) is to imply that you don’t trust your monogamous partner. But if there is a realistic chance of STDs I want my romance MC’s to glove up. I like it in M/F too. I appreciate that Suzanne Brockmann has her guys use condoms for M/F sex, every time. I wince at those who don’t.
I want my main characters, whatever their other flaws, to be smart and honorable, and to me that implies protecting your partner. Not only is the HIV infection rate still scarily high in some sectors of the gay male population (as high as 1 in 5 in some cities according to CDC studies), but there are new drug-resistant strains of other STDs and herpes is forever. I know two gay men right now who are dealing not just with being HIV +, but with active AIDS. Mutation and drug resistance and side effects of medications are the reality – this is in no way a benign disease. And I wince when I see someone say “a cure is around the corner.” God, I hope so. But after thirty years we haven’t found one yet, and we’ve been trying even longer for some other diseases. I hate the mindset that “by the time I get sick, they’ll have a cure.” Like it absolves the speaker of responsibility. Someone else will take care of it.
In my books, if a condom is forgotten or breaks, it’s not ignored. If a guy deliberately omits it, that’s not romantic, that’s risky and inconsiderate at best. And if I read that in another book, I see it as a major strike against that character. Obviousy in real life people risk everything, from the presidency to their families to their health and lives for feels-good, be that sex or drugs, or whatever. But I don’t see that as an appealing character trait.
The question of why it matters in a “fantasy-based genre” like M/M is an interesting point. Maybe it’s partly about where the fantasy in M/M is for you. For me it’s not the sex, however hot that may be. The true heart of why I read the books are the characters and the relationships. Using condoms may make the sex a little less hot, but failing to use them impacts on character and trust. So if I have to sacrifice a little heat in order to have intelligence and honor, that’s romantic to me. And realism – realistic choices and realistic consequences – make a better story IMO.
I like the way you think, Kaje and agree that, at least for me when I read, it’s so much more about the head and heart than it is about the genitals.
Another excellent feature, Rick.
The way I see it, if every fiction writer worried about every “do” and every “don’t” that exists in every reader’s mind, nothing would ever get written. Period.
For me, the success or failure of any given premise, plot point, or character is in the presentation (although I’ve yet to be sold on instalove, or on GFY with no previous inkling of same-sex attraction — and I doubt I ever will be). If a certain behavior makes sense within the context of the story and the broader context of human nature, it’s okay by me. The writer just has to be skilled enough to deliver.
Now, Wave and RIck, when are we going to discuss cheating and/or open relationships? Fetishism? Consensual sex between an adult and a guy in his mid- to late-teens? Brocest? 😮
🙂
Are you trying to get me in trouble, KZ? Now, I feel challenged….
I can go either way. Heh! If two guys have known each other for years, or even months, are pretty average guys and decide to go without, I’d probably not think much of it. Of course you don’t know 100%, you know enough about each other’s lifestyle to make a calculated guess.
The times that I wince are when I’ve read a total stranger meet up with no condom. You have no clue who that person is or anything about them. Then I’m mentally screaming “wrap that sucker up!!!!”
To be honest, I find it weird if virgins use a condom. Why? You obviously don’t have any STDs. And I can see a lot of the friends-to-lovers (coworkers-to-lovers/enemies-to-lovers) situations being bareback and it wouldn’t bother me in the least. It’s more the stranger-danger thing.
I can go either way too…or at least I did once upon a time. But you’re talking about my blog!
Naughty Rick. I thought you gave up going both ways for Lent. :blush: 😈
Hi K.C.
Now, Wave and Rick, when are we going to discuss cheating and/or open relationships? Fetishism? Consensual sex between an adult and a guy in his mid- to late-teens? Brocest?
Are you about to start something? 😆 I already did a post on cheating (or I asked Tj to write the post). Either way, we did discuss it and all of the righteous M/M readers were up in arms and handed us our asses. 🙂 I have touched on twincest which is one of my secret fantasies. :whistle: As for the other topics, I do recall that you owe me a post K.Z. I’m still waiting. 😈
Like all Canadians, Wave, you’re evil.
I thought you might’ve dealt with infidelity and twincest but I wasn’t sure. It’s just that Rick does such a good job of tackling these controversial subjects, and reader response is always so interesting, I figured I’d toss out some topics for future discussion. :angel:
Here’s the link to Tj’s post on cheating which was written in 2010. Maybe it’s time for a new one???? Let’s see what Rick thinks.
http://www.gayromance.org/2010/08/13/liars-and-cheaters-and-hos-oh-my-by-tj/
I have no issue with cheaters in books. In fact one of my Top 10 M/M books is the first one I read in 2003 – Bareback by Chris Owen There’s that word again, and there was no glove in most of the book, so cheating and no condoms. 😆 WOW!
BTW there were other posts about condoms years ago – I did one and I believe three M/M writers wrote another one, and each generated its own share of violent response. 😕
That leaves you, my darling. When are you going to pay up? You sneer at us ordinary mortals but I want to see you get dirty in the mud with Rick and me (that conjures up a picture that I don’t know Rick would like Bruce to see) . :blush: You owe me, you wretch. Fetishism is still available as well as your other topic, older man perving on a young, innocent barely out of his diapers 18 year old. 🙂 I could throw out a few others but I’m drinking the milk of human kindness today. :whistle:
You are evil, Wave, which is why we have always gotten along.
I am musing about cheating today. I may even write a blog about it next month.
And KZ, you should take the bait. I’m dying to hear your take on fetishism, older/younger…anything you write, really.
K.Z. is incredibly funny. Here’s her fun post on Duelling Penises which was written WAY back in 2009 when I had my first blog :
http://www.gayromance.org/?p=474
I’ve been trying since then to get her to get off her ass and write another one, but she said I have to pay her. 😆
This is a topic I debated a lot when I was writing my novella, Sedona Heat. The main character, Jasper, hooks up with two different guys. With the first one, they go through the regular routine using a condom. There was no discussion. It was a matter of course. With the second one and the situation they were in, I decided that stopping to use a condom interrupted the flow of the action and decided in that moment (in real life) the characters probably would not have stopped to grab a condom. There is a brief discussion about status, but then they fuck without the condom.
I make no judgment either way, having lived through the 80s and 90s myself, I know the consequences, but I also know that people are doing it bareback more these days. I don’t think we have to make moral judgments or teach lessons with our characters all the time. It is fantasy, as so many have said.
Rick,
I think there is no contradiction between M/M romances being perfect fantasy and the MCs (generally) using condoms. Just the opposite – I think it’s totally in tune. Think about the words used there: ROMANCE, insta-LOVE, GAY-FOR-YOU (to stay forever not some experimental fuck). All of them point to emotional connection and bond, not lust. People who love and who care don’t put their lovers in risk for some extra carnal pleasure.
That’s your perfect fantasy 🙂
I’m a writer and reader. I completely understand how making sure there’s a condom involved in a m/m sex scene is like some code; hey readers relax, I’m taking care of my guys here and you can just enjoy the ride (along with them!). It’s almost a shorthand now, and in a way, the expected progression of what’s going to happen in an anal sex scene.
I actually really dislike unprotected het sex scenes. So often it’s excused as “heat of the moment” and the lovers forego all consequences, and then it’s a contrivance to build a “romance” around. Or the woman is manipulative, or manipulated, and then as readers we’re led along a path of how this leads to them falling in love. Talk about a fantasy! It really puts me off (speaking as a woman) because unplanned pregnancy is a BIG DEAL, and can very often have negative consequences, but is made into a HEA plot device. One that holds no appeal for me.
There’s so much conventionality in place for het couples (even if it’s solely the woman, or solely the man) to be as certain as possible that pregnancy (and STDs, to take it further) is prevented. For that, it’s always been way easier for me to turn of the “practical” part of my brain for same-sex couples when the exacting Steps To Anal Penetration aren’t ticked off, as a list, in a sex scene. But in the many discussions with other writers, and readers, I seem to be in the minority here.
Maybe there’s some holdover prejudice or stereotyping involved? Loose women are definitely frowned on, but they’re not “putting a lover in danger” because they have a liberal sex life. The trope of a remote man who has heretofore been unreachable or unwilling to love (or the misunderstood / bad boy type) having a baby and that changing him for the better is an old standby. It elevates unplanned pregnancy to being a gift, a miracle, and something the couple will move forward with together and share. But unplanned STDs are not romantic, and the only thing they move forward with together is anxiety of spreading disease. Perhaps it’s just too much of an uphill battle to NOT include the condom in a m/m scene, lest your character(s) be branded in the minds of the reader all the negative connotations / repercussions from not being safe in the sack.
Hi Rick, I wrote a post on this very site with DJ Manly and Ryan Field on this same subject. When I first started writing M/M novels in 2007, it wasn’t an issue. My characters didn’t glove up until FEMALE readers and reviewers – even here on Jessewave made comments about it. In one book, The Book and the Rose, my protagonist is a hooker who is paid extra for no glove love and the reviewer here made a big deal about it. I said it before and I’ll say it here, it’s only my female readers who comment on the lack of rubbers. Male readers know it’s all fantasy and they enjoy the escapism. I mention rubbers once in a book, maybe twice, but it’s still not enough for some people. If the characters become long-term partners, which they always do in my stories, then I don’t make them use rubbers. Ryan Field made an observation in his post that readers have complained to him about his MARRIED couples not using condoms!
I find it weird that the same issue is rarely mentioned when it comes to M/F romance.
I’m posting this comment for Rick Reed who had problems accessing the site this morning.
Hey AJ,
I just wanted to say thanks for your very thought–provoking comments. I think it’s very curious about female readers being the ones who are more up in arms. I wonder why that is??
I would have responded on the blog, but could not get on this morning for the life of me.
Hope all is well with you.
Rick
Andrew Miller has a timely post connected to this. The comments are heartbreaking.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andrew-miller/how-i-didnt-get-aids_b_3476513.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices
Wow. What a powerful essay. These men in the article remind me of Bobby in RAINING MEN, looking for love and finding only sex.
I’d far prefer not to read it unless they’ve both tested -ve. Then again, I’m Australian and born in the ‘6-s, which means I was just coming into my sexuality when the AIDS crisis hit and I experience a lot of paranoia about catching it from mosquitoes (they love me) until they figured out it couldn’t be transmitted that way.
BTW, there’s an excellent documentary about how Australia approached AIDS, called “how a city stopped a plague”, and how we have a far lower HIV infection rate than the US. Sadly though, HIV infections in Australia are increasing again, mostly due to immigrants and almost unbelievably in mining communities following their lay off visits to SE Asia.
Safe sex please. I don’t hold with the notion that potential exposure to disease makes for a good fantasy, particularly when it’s in a place with a far higher prevalence rate than here.