Advisory: Except for the recipes, many of the links in this article are NSFW so be cautious when clicking.
It’s that time of year. The shopping panic begins. What do you get everyone? Where do you find the perfect gift for the perfect price? It never ends. The stress can lead to the consumption of copious quantities of spiked eggnog and shortbread cookies as the mental breakdown inches ever closer. But you can relax as I am here to make your life a little easier with my advice on the perfect gift for your loved ones.
These are a great gift if you think your lovemaking has become a little too serious of late. If you want to have a giggle in the bedroom they are ideal as I have it on good authority from a close friend that they are not all that sexy, but funny as hell. They seem taste like a cross between a fruit roll-up, plastic and chemicals (tasty) 
and are one size fits all … if you’re a runway model. To quote my friend “…they kept sliding down a bit on Freddie. And not in a sexy, seductive way. In a silly and stupid way.” So if you want to ratchet up the heat in the bedroom I’d say pass on these but if you are looking for a good chuckle they might be just the ticket. They are also reasonably priced as you can get them for less than $10. In my opinion, a better option would be the Edible Panties cocktail – 1 oz vodka, 1.5 oz cranberry juice and 1.5 oz of pink grapefruit juice. Yum. A few of those and you won’t care how unattractive those edible undies are
Novelty Condoms
Another inexpensive stocking stuffer is condoms. Sure you can buy ridged, vibrating, neon, lubricated, thin, extra-larges at the drug store, but why go for the tried and true? Even if you are past the condom use point in your relationship they can add a little spice to that romantic interlude under the Christmas tree with Bing Crosby crooning White Christmas in the background. Oh wait, that’s my fantasy. TMI, sorry. For New Year’s Eve dress up the little (or not so little) man in a tuxedo or how about camo condoms for the soldier in all of us (IN all of us? Condoms? Get it? Sigh. Never mind.). There is the Christmas condom assortment and for those who play safe and use a condom for oral, how about whiskey flavoured condoms? Mmm mmm good.
Glass Dildos
I have to say that I think these really are beautiful works of art. As for their practical use? Not so much. The idea of something glass “down there” freaks me out. Glass is dangerous, glass can break, glass is ouchy. However aesthetically they are gorgeous. They would make a great mantle decoration. Imagine the following conversation this Christmas:
Mother-in-law – I see you have some new artwork on the mantle this year dear.
You – Yes, they were a gift. 
Mother-in-law – What are they? Mushrooms?
You – *snicker* Yes, something like that.
Mother-in-law – They are really pretty, maybe I should get spinster Aunt Barbara some, she’d love those.
You– *gigglesnort* Yeah, I ‘m sure she would. I’ll give you the website. *smirk*
*Thunk* *Thunk* *Thunk* (The sound of your SO banging their head on the coffee table.)
They aren’t cheap ($30 to $100 ) but they really are safe to use (so they say) and I think they would be a hit with any glass art (or dildo) lover.
Exotic Dildos
Okay, we’ve determined that perhaps not everyone is comfortable using breakables in an intimate manner but what about regular dildos? BORING! 
Sure they come in magical colours and flesh tones, smooth or rough, metal, silicone, and wood. However if you really want to surprise your lover this year, how about a dragon penis dildo that actually squirts dragon juice at the critical moment? How cool is that? Or for the Aussies among us (and you know who I mean) how about one shaped like a Wallaby penis? (I do NOT want to know how they got that mould.) For the fantasy lover in all of us, try something unique and different, and just plain perverse. No one will call you boring in the bedroom when you whip out the dolphin dildo. They may call you freaking weird, but never boring.
Bedroom Games
What about games you ask. Games are always a fun and popular gift. Sure, there are sexy board games and naughty charades or naked Twister. 
But maybe you want to try something a bit more challenging, something that will inspire your competitive spirit. Then the perfect game for you is anal ring toss! Take turns and see who gets the most points. Make it more challenging, try to score *wink* *wink* while your partner runs around the house or does a little shimmy and shake. The hours of enjoyment are endless, or so I imagine.
I hope I’ve given you some ideas to help reduce your shopping stress this year. There’s something for everyone (or yourself) regardless of your budget or degree of refinement. Another advantage of my suggested gifts is that they can all be bought on-line (and arrive discretely wrapped in brown paper I’m sure) so you can avoid the hassle of the shops and just sit back and relax with a good book and some hot apple cider, mulled wine, or hot buttered rum (why not all three?) and wait for the fun to begin.
Happy shopping and have a super Christmas, Eid, Hanukkah, Solstice, Kwanza, Festivus or whatever you celebrate around this time of year. I wish all of the readers here many wonderful books to enjoy in 2010 and all of the authors much inspiration as we enter a new decade.
Lol, Tam.
Where the heck did you find all this stuff? I’m particularly fond of the glass dildos. They *are* very pretty. The rest is just laughable.
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At New Year my in-laws come over and we usually play some sort of game after the kids have gone to bed. Perhaps I could suggest anal ring toss this year! Although my in-laws are a bit hippy dippy and the sort of people who have been known to wander round the house naked when guests are around, so they’d probably love that idea. Eek, anal ring toss played with OAPs, no thanks!
ROFL OMG, I’m dying here Jen. I have visions of your husband cowering the bath repeating “no, no, no” while whimpering. 🙂 Not sure I want to go anywhere near ANY of these with my ex-in-laws, or my parents.
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Maybe you can put one of those glass works of art on your Christmas wish list. 😉
Ha! It will be me cowering in the bathroom, not hub! The stories I could tell about my uninhibited in-laws would curl your hair!
Jen
Are these the same inlaws to whom you are afraid to reveal your perversions – i.e. M/M books and manga comics?
Yep, they might be quite happy to get naked in front of strangers but woe betide you if you don’t read anything other than classic fiction ;).
Hahahah, anal ring toss. Great find, Tam!
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The glass dildos on the mantle and the ensuing conversation remind me of that (mostly dreadful) movie, “Made of Honor.” There is a bachelorette party and part of the entertainment is a saleswoman with a suitcase of sex toys. Somehow, Grandma ends up with a string of glowing anal beads around her neck, thinking it’s a beautiful necklace, and she wears them for the rest of the movie. LOL.
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Thanks for a fun post, Tam!
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L
I’ve never seen that movie, which is probably no loss. I have been to a sex toy party though. 😉
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Glad you enjoyed it Leslie.
Patrick Dempsey did make it watchable, but that’s about it. LOL
Dick’s formalwear and anal ring toss made me choke on my coffee. If I were a writer, some crack would would ensue. You made my day. ^^
Glad you got a morning (afternoon) chuckle Lady M.
Tam
I peed all over myself. Now I have to have another shower. I have no idea about your research but I commend you. I’m going to tweet this right now because I think every blogger needs to shop at the places where you shop. OMG. My coffee is all over my computer keys. You rock babe. 😀
Glad you enjoyed it. Another Christmas tip, get your family extra cheap keyboards for those spewing moments.
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I swear to god I have NEVER shopped at any of those places. I like to do my “personal” shopping i person. 😛
Tam, you never cease to amaze me. We can always count on you to find things no one else can. (So where’s that contact lens I lost two decades ago?)
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LOVE the glass dildos! I’ve always had a fondness for paperweights, and these beat any I’ve owned by…well, a good four or five inches. 😉
“We can always count on you to find things no one else can. ”
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Oh god, I’m getting a reputation aren’t I? Is it too late to revert back to my former near-virginal purity?
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Your dog ate the contact lens. Sorry. I’d love to see a picture of one of those “paper weights” holding down the papers on your desk.
Wow, those are awesome!! I’ve seen edible unders in Spencers before, alongside the adult party games and such, but I’ve never come across glass dildoes or anal ring toss at the mall *g* Maybe at the porno store, hmmm…
Well, if you do ever find an anal ring toss at the mall Ally let us know because you will officially live in THE most liberal city in the US. 🙂
ROFL!!
Fabulous post, Tam. Those glass dildos are very pretty although I’d be too worried about them breaking to enjoy them too much. 😀
I’m with you Lily. I’m sure they are safe but something about it just says “warning warning, glass in sensitive places”.
I know you’re going to think I’m obsessed, but those glass dildos look like COBRAS.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Whatever floats your boat Josh. We’re not here to judge … much. 🙂 They do though now that you mention it.
Wow, those are some awesome ideas for both writing and real life…LOL Thanks for that incredibly useful research, Tam! I’ve already done some Xmas shopping…love those dragon dildoes and that’s all I’m saying! Sshhhhh……
I’m always happy to help Jon. Hopefully your “friend” will enjoy their gift. 😉
Boy, all I can say is wow did I just learn a lot. Thanks for the education, Tam, as well as the Sat. hoot! I’m going to check out some of those dildos — never mind for who! LOL
That’s me Jen, always educating the masses. I’m such a do-gooder. 🙂 Have fun shopping.
I’ve just learned more about wallabies than I ever expected to need to know. There must be plot bunnies breeding on the forum there, but they probably have large….fangs.
Who’d have guessed the cute and adorable wallby could be used in such a way huh PD? I dare someone to write a story that includes that particular dildo in some way (preferably not a sexual one because I think that would be just all shades of wrong. LOL)
Are you thinking about Sean re: that wallaby dildo, Tam?? Considering his twinky self he might be more inclined towards to the glass ones.
No, no Kris, I wasn’t referring to Sean, I mean … ummm … uhhh … Gaycrow, yeah her. 😛
Oh. Okay. Those people in the eastern states can be a little odd sometimes.
Wow Tam – this is some pretty weird stuff…and a totally appropriate gift giving guide to the person who has it all!
You must have had a blast finding these things! Maybe next year, you can ‘test drive’ some of your unique finds and give rating approval here!
BTW —
Those glass dildoes are smashing! I want one! – (not to use, I play rough) — but it would be quite the conversation piece perched up on my bookcase!
Is the link attached to the words in gold?
George: Yes, the links are in gold. I don’t think the glass dildo link is for the ones in the pictures but they actually have some that are more exotic and artsy.
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I did have fun doing all the research, not sure I want to go quite the extra mile for you guys next year. There’s probably already TMI out there about me. 😉
Oh man, Tam, you rock! Those ideas are going to work great for my shopping list this year. Lovely ways to make some of the more chatty family members speechless this holiday season. Thanks 🙂 Love the post!
Glad I could be of service Sloan. Stunned family silence, maybe it can become a family tradition. 🙂
Oooh, LOVE the glass dildos! Pretty!!!! 🙂
We all seem to have the same great taste. I think those glass dildos could be the hit Christmas gift this season. 🙂