Last month Clare London asked me to join a number of esteemed persons who were writing wonderful posts on her Livejournal to celebrate her birthday. I had never done a post for someone else’s blog other than the DIK (Desert Island Keepers) so I had no idea what to write. I came up with the topic of Bright Shiny Guys in M/M romances and when Clare read it she had to change the designation of her Lj to “adult” on the day it was posted. 😀 (I have no idea why.) Because some of you have never seen this piece I asked Clare whether she would mind if I reprised the post here – so without further ado here is “Bright Shiny Guys”.
Why are most of the guys in M/M romances all bright and shiny ?
Sometime ago I did a post that asked the question “Where are all the ordinary people in books”. Many of you slapped me around and told me that book heroes were not meant to be anything like real people because we are all looking for fantasies. I’ll buy that, but couldn’t we have protagonists who look a little like people we know or see on the street, except maybe wannabe actors in Hollywood?
Many of the heroes in the books I read are twenty somethings with perfect hair that they flick back with a sexy twist of the head, and hard bodies with 6 packs. Can we have a guy with a two pack? Okay so I set my sights a little low for a book hero but if we look for people in RL like the ones we read about in books are we not asking for trouble? If I saw a guy on the street like the ones in my favourite M/M books I would probably want to ask him if he was in such and such story by Clare London or Ally Blue, and he would be thinking that maybe he should call the guys in the white coats.
I like bubble butts as I’m sure most of you do, but how many of the guys you know have those rounded melons that quiver and
retract when touched? You know one? Well bully for you. Many men on the street – gay and straight – have ordinary saggy bottoms except maybe black guys who have natural, not genetically enhanced, well rounded asses (or arses as the Brits say). How do I know this? I’ve seen a few in my time on the links. Okay I don’t golf, but do you know a better place to check out men’s butts? You do? Where?
And what about the you know what? Okay, cock for those of you who are not too bright. I’ve been around a time or two and have seen some nice appendages, but the ones in books – OMG!!! I reviewed a book several months ago where the hero had massive balls, his cock had a giant head, and as for his butt cheeks – words fail me but if they squeezed anyone he would suffocate. 😀 I kid you not. If you think I’m lying or want to know the name of the book email me and I would be happy to share my intimate knowledge of his appendages, all of them. I think a little less of the oversized giant heads and sacs will go a long way authors.
Ladies, did you know that it’s erotic to have your balls and genitals shaved by a straight razor? (If you’re a guy of course.) What? You have balls? Must be a tight fit under your thong! I just learned about that a few months ago. Also, did you know that cold water makes the skin on a man’s sac contract, resulting in a tighter, closer shave? You should suggest to your guy some time that you give him a close shave down there with a straight razor, just before he has you committed. *chuckle*
Do you know any guys whose recovery time is as fast as the protagonists in m/m romances? I WANT one of those guys who can shoot and shoot and shoot buckets of sperm and never get soft. Oh joy!!! Alright I got carried away there, but how is it that guys in books never have a problem with recovery time? Do they have magic dicks?
In terms of looks, they are almost always handsome, 6 ft tall, never overweight, dark hair and green eyes, or blond with blue eyes. The main thing is they are never balding or fat, and songs have been penned to faces like theirs. Hello there authors – why are there no short, fat, balding guys with shit bown eyes in books? Maybe not that extreme because it would be kinda hard to imagine them as heroes, but a little toned down from the incredibly handsome hero would be realistic and bearable for those of you who are struggling with short, fat, balding partners. Not me – I have a dozen heroes I can call on at any time of day who are ready 24/7.
So what do I want in in a hero in the next book I read? My fantasy is a bright and shiny hero with long chesnut hair, green eyes, an 8 pack, 
retractable bubble butt, a big dick, and giant balls (shaved) who doesn’t know the meaning of the words “recovery time”. OR a handsome black dude (since I’m of that persuasion) with chocolate brown, velvety soft skin and dark slumberous eyes like mysterious pools of something, buns of steel that don’t move when you touch them but they may sometimes quiver or ripple, a normal sized thick 9 inch penis, bouncy balls, and lips that just beg to be kissed. Damn I have to stop writing, I’m getting hot.
Do you have an ideal hero? You can’t have mine but you can build your own damn guy.
BTW this post is tongue-in-cheek as I think the authors do a great job on their heroes, whether or not they have giant appendages. 😀 
That pic of the squirrel – laughed so hard I snorted
I hope you weren’t drinking coffee at the time. Isn’t he hot? I’m sure he has no problems getting girl squirrels
I read something recently that went like this (paraphrased).
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“He was big but not huge, about 8 or 9 inches.”
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Hello. HUGE? Pick up a piece of paper, turn it sideways that’s rather above the norm of 6 inches. What the hell do they consider huge? 27 inches? I usually prefer no reference to size. Let me imagine that it’s just “perfect”, whatever that may be to me.
Sorry Tam, but it’s all a matter of perspective. Tee heee. 9 inches with some girth and heft, now we’re talking baby. 😀
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Huge could be from 10 – 12 inches. 😀
hahahaha! Brilliant! It’s a good thing I did not read this at work (even if I could) cause they would have had me committed!
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It’s too true! It’s not just in m/m romances though, you see it just about everywhere in the fantasy/paranormal genres too. This is why I sometimes like to read mysteries. There the heroes are not always “perfect”
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For this reason too, i think that books with “common” heroes are so populair!
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Magic dick *snickers* I know some of those, but they don’t come with a man attached 😉
Larissa
This post was written to poke fun at my favourite heroes. 😀
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My dream is to meet a guy with a magic dick because it never gets too tired to party. 🙂
LOL I know, but there is some truth in it! 🙂 Well not all parts of course 😉
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Funny I was talking with a friend earlier this week and we came to the conclusion that until we find out soulmate we should set up a pool of guys for every occasion and select special ones for the bedroom 😉
Fabulous post! Luckily I had finished drinking my coffee by the time I read it. 🙂
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My fantasy guy is 6’2″, dark hair & light eyes, lean and strong but not gym-huge, nice big thick dick that’s ready to go at all times and can keep on going til I can’t go no more, please no huge balls although shaved would be nice. Kissable lips, pierced nipples and some tattoos.
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And most importantly, he’s got to be totally into me, middle-aged, out of shape, with glasses and in dire need of some hair dye.
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It’s so nice to dream!
Lily
This would be a horrible world if we did not dream to get away from it all.
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I like your imaginary guy. I had forgotten about the piercings – WOW you put a lot of thought into this. A Prince Albert would be a nice touch. 😀 Go for it Lily.
Well, I read this at home with my slightly fat, balding, hazel eyed hubby sitting in the lounge in the next room…I had to read aloud very selected portions of this post to justify my peals of laughter…
Great post – authors can leave me with some of my dreams, but please don’t venture so far out to fantasy land that I spend more time thinking ‘what the’ in relation to recovery time than I do following the story line!
Hi Jenny
I’m so glad that I was able to bring some fun into your day. 😀
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Please tell your husband that I’m not a crazy person and I’m sure he is quite handsome, even if he doesn’t have an 8 pack.
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The recovery time in books is something else – maybe every book hero has a magic dick. 😀
I’m perfectly willing to compromise on the six- or eight-pack. A modest four-pack or, hell, even crushed cans will do, as long as that belly doesn’t weigh as much as my car. I don’t much like corrugated abdomens.
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Dick size? Meh. Just don’t make me think tweezers and magnifying glass.
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Shaved privates? Yuck, no! Shades of pedophilia.
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Shooting like a geyser? Uh-uh, not in my house. You know damned well the guy wouldn’t clean up after himself. So let him lie down in Yellowstone Park behind a sign that reads “Old Faithful, Jr.”
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I want the rest, though, per Lily’s description. (Wave, the “retractable” bubble butt scares me! I imagine a dude whose posterior suddenly goes concave while his belly bloats like a hot-air balloon!)
Hey KZ
Thanks for stopping by.
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>>Dick size? Meh. Just don’t make me think tweezers and magnifying glass.<< I'll think of you the next time I 'm trying to find it. :-D Note to self - no pencil dicks for K.Z. * >>Shooting like a geyser? Uh-uh, not in my house. …..So let him lie down in Yellowstone Park behind a sign that reads “Old Faithful, Jr.”<< * You are a cruel woman. :) * >>Wave, the “retractable” bubble butt scares me! I imagine a dude whose posterior suddenly goes concave while his belly bloats like a hot-air balloon<< I was laughing so hard at the picture of a guy's butt affecting his belly - I don't think "in and out" is exactly what this picture brings to mind.
I love normal looking guys. I tried my best to make my most recent release’s hero as real as I could. He’s a cowboy and he’s not ripped. Big and solid, but there’s a bit of soft around the middle and no six packs to be seen unless you count his beer. He’s built and fit, but I know from experience that six packs only come from gyms, not from working hard on a ranch, so I tried hard to make it clear he’s no gym bunny.
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Not that I mind gym bunnies lol, I’ve written more than a few myself!
Hi Fae
I really wasn’t kidding about some of the heroes in books. I don’t know where they get their appendages, stamina and those 8 packs – I don’t see very many of them in my world. 🙂
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You have written a book about cowboys? I love cowboys. Is this an Amber Allure release?
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I want a gym bunny for just 24 hours then he can go back to his hole. 🙂
Hi Wave! Nope, this is an EC release, called His Every Breath. It just came out today, so this post was perfect timing lol!
Hi Fae
If it’s M/M with no girl cooties please send me a copy for review, in prc if you have it, at jessewave@gmail.com. I love cowboys!
LOL, no girl cooties to be found. I do indeed have it in PRC, it’s on its way to you! 🙂
Oh this is hilarious! <3
I don't write, but I roleplay, and I always try very hard to make my men less than perfect. I have a slim, rather weak tailor with a soft belly and flat butt, a tall gangly guitarist with a concave stomach as well as a colorblind, unemployed, short, impotent vampire.
Imperfections are the fun things in life! If everyone is a greek god, what makes them special?
Mikuto
You have the right idea. Too many beautiful men get tiresome after a while. I like a man to look used up by life. 😀
Ideal? Hmm, tall with lean muscles rather than bulk, long blond hair, great face, eyes that are sometimes blue and sometimes brown and pointed ears… wait, that’s Orlando Bloom in his Legolas costume… aw who am I kidding? That’s still my ideal! 😀
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I can forgive characters for being gorgeous if they a) have to work at it, like actually go to the gym or work out somehow, not be magically buff and b) now and again look a bit rough, like if they are hungover, or have been hiking through the wilderness without access to a shower for a week. That works for me. It humanises them.
JFM
Don’t you love a man with scruff on his face? I think that’s so sexy. I’m not sure about no showers for a week though – there’s manly smell and then there’s manly smells. 😀
Well I’m not saying one should jump straight into bed with him then. That’s when the obligatory shower scene comes in. And possibly an optional hosing down scene first.
The optional hosing down scene after a week of less than optimal personal hygiene is a wonderful strategy. 🙂
Great post – and even more delightful twice around :). Plus you’ve added some even more amusing pics – gotta love that chandelier *g*.
But it’s made me think more seriously about my heros – and maybe to let some of the more ordinary-looking guys have a chance to shine in future.
^_^
Hi Clare
Nice to see you – I thought you were on vacation.
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Did you like the chandelier? I didn’t think you would go for it which is why I didn’t include it and the lovely penis chairs when I sent the post to you. 😀
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Looking forward to some ordinary heroes.
I like a variety, myself. Double amputees and men that make everyone on the street stop and stare with their Aura of Sexiness +90kajillion. Slightly pudgy middle aged werewolves, beautiful eunuchs who never made it through puberty, biologically speaking (the kid stuffs with a roll of lifesavers), skinny wild-looking guys on the dodge, gorgeously dashing flying aces. Let’s have a little bit of everything. I tire of cookie-cutter 20-somethings with sixpacks (never saw the appeal) and bubble butts. I’m 42. I don’t relate to 20-somethings. It’s a different culture, different social references, different music and food.
“beautiful eunuchs who never made it through puberty, biologically speaking (the kid stuffs with a roll of lifesavers)”
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Angelia, this caught my interest. 🙂 Which story is it?
Hi Angelia
Thanks for the vote.
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I like all varieties of guys and I get tired of the same old, same old protagonists. Readers are not cookie cutter – we come in all shapes, sizes and ages so authors should give us some variety in their heroes.