When I asked Steve Berman to write a fun post I had no idea what he was going to talk about because he wouldn’t tell me. It was a sekkrit. 🙂 Now the sekkrit is out. He’s talking about why he hates some aspects of spec fiction. Here’s what he has to say –
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So, I happen to write spec fic. That’s the massive category that covers everything from high fantasy (handsome knights squaring off against
dragons) to horror (chainsaw-wielding maniacs threatening high school jocks) to steampunk (daring zeppelin aces). I also adore spec fic a great deal, which is why I edit the Wilde Stories series, which reprints under one cover the best gay male spec fic published the prior year.
And I’m here to talk about monsters. Specifically, the ones I’m sick to death of and the ones I’m aching to see.
1) Vamps: Okay, am I the only one on the planet that is tired of vampires? Really, as a kid I wanted to be a vampire but only because the idea I could mesmerize the boys I went to school with made me quiver, made me hard. The rest? Ugh, I faint at the sight of blood. Who would want to kiss a guy with teeth that sharp? And I don’t care if you glitter in the sun or stay pale in the moonlight, I don’t want to date a guy who reminds me I’m getting older by the minutes.
No, vampires are boooooooooooooring. Even with all the changes to the mythology, I just can’t get interested in their angst (“Oh, woe is me. I yearn for that lover to stay with me through eternity!” – Duh! What man doesn’t?!). And the more popular vamps in pop culture were because of the character not the condition. Spike from Buffy? Okay, he made me laugh, but he’s not sexy because he has an overbite.
Vamps. Stake ’em. I’ve seen and read enough.
http://www.newmoonmovie.org/images/jacob-black-taylor-lautner-shirtless-transform-werewolf-shapeshifter.jpg (this werewolf picture is too large for the post but you can take a peek at it in the link provided) 😀
2) Werewolves: Move along little doggies. Another bore. Okay, Taylor Lautner’s hot but that’s only because he has the body of a gym-obsessed 18 year old and a wicked grin. But shape-shifting? I don’t know if a wolf’s penis operates much like a dog’s but I remember calling the vet in a panic after seeing the family German Shepherd post-humping the neighbor’s poodle and there was blood on his Pimmel. Do I want the guy screwing me to suddenly swell up inside my ass so he can’t get out? No.
Plus, no one likes getting pubic hair in their mouth when they go down on someone. Imagine if the guy’s 1000x more hirsute? Yuck. The only thing I’d be spitting out of my mouth was tufts of fur and not semen (well, actually I’m a swallower-by-trade).
Werewolves and any other shifter. Put ’em in the kennel. I’ve seen and read enough.
3) Demons. Yawn. Yeah, yeah, cue the horny jokes. But really, the whole notion of demons brings up the question of religion and, frankly, I’m tired of there being a hell (one of the benefits of being Jewish, we don’t really have one in mind). See, demons = afterlife punishment = homosexuality is bad. It’s almost a subconscious bit of homophobia. Plus, does anyone like the smell of sulfur? Think rotten eggs…. do you want to be cozying up to that?
Even if you avoid the religious issues, demons are by nature so damn (ha ha!) selfish. Think the demon is going to be the eager bottom? Or will just offer to go down on you to make you smile? Maybe only when you’re driving so you crash. Plus, depending where those horns are placed… I might end up with a punctured spleen before I ever orgasm!
Demons. To hell with ’em. I’ve seen and read enough.
4) Ghosts: Okay, I do love ghosts. Otherwise I wouldn’t have done Vintage. But do know how
many times I’ve read stories where a guy is about to go to bed in a strange house/hotel/cabin/inn/igloo and the ghost of a former occupant/guest/prodigal son/traveling salesman comes along and seduces him? Ugh. And whether the seducee knows the guy in bed is immaterial is… well, immaterial. I’m tired of this cliche. Aren’t you?
Besides, on Valentine’s Day, what good is a ghost? Do the florists even stock lilies then? And it’s not like you’re doubling your wardrobe by dating a ghost. At best, you might get an extra pair of sheets for the bed.
Ghosts. Tell them to go into the light. I’ve seen and read enough.
So, what’s left? I want new gay monsters that will thrill me… here are some suggestions of my own… and I want to hear yours!
a) Mummies! My mother always wants me to date someone rich… who better than a former Pharaoh. Okay, maybe he’d be awkward to have around the Passover table, but still, it’s better than dating a podiatrist. And when you’re sick of hearing him talk of his former glory days you can adjust the bandages around his face to muffle his mouth! Plus, I’ll never feel that old compared him…
Tell me stories about explorers breaking into tombs and being cursed with regal stalkers who have really big scepters. Victorian professors who look at a hunky mummy and think to themselves, ‘I really have been a good boy and want to unwrap my present now.’ A monster who appreciates cats and days at the sandy beach.
Mummies. Brew up a nice cup of tana leaves. I’ve not seen or read enough.
b) Mermen! Everyone knows that the semen of mermen is full of omega-3s! Fish is good for you. A hot man-fish is doubly good for you. He’s
dying to get into the tub, though he may be confused about what most gays consider water sports…. Seriously, Lethe Press is doing a spec fic anthology that involves sex and the sea, and I want to read some great merman paranormal romantic stories. Or, better yet, write me a novel about a pirate and a triton and I’ll hand you an advance check!
Hey, if they can grasp that trident and blow that conch shell, you know they’re going to be good in (the kelp) bed.
Merman. So trawl me up something fresh (of course, these relationships might not last more than 3 days before they start to stink). I’ve not seen or read enough.
c) Leprechauns and Cluricauns! You can kiss them all you want because they’re Irish. The’re usually pretty wealthy and always make you breakfast in the morning. Sure, you might get sick of their wardrobe (Green again?!) but when your fag hag breaks her heel, who’s going to cobble it better on the spot?
Actually, my favorite strip joint in Atlanta, Swinging Richards, has a dwarf stripper who they dress up for St. Patrick’s Day in a green bow-tie and bear around in a pot of chocolate gold coins. From what I saw, not everything was so little…
Leprechauns. Get your lucky charm on. I’ve not seen or read enough.
And lastly…
d) The Mokumokuren! Talk about safe sex! Nothing to worry about from a wall full of eyes. And if you’re an exhibitionist, it’s better than a
webcam. As for the risk of going blind, I think that’s a myth like with masturbation. And a naughty boy could actually aim to spoo in a different eye after night… Plus, when you don’t want to be gawked at by the mokumokuren, you just put up a poster of Zac Efron!
This is the perfect monster to engage those shy rice queens. Or people who like to listen to Kim Carnes. Maybelline’s headquarters is pretty haunted with them by now.
The mokumokuren. I won’t blink twice at reading about them. I’ve not seen… well, you get the joke.
Steve
I read some yaoi last week that featured sparkling mermen (shifter). Being a merman they lacked a rather essential piece of male equipment. I am not sure if that would be to your liking Steve?
Morning, Ingrid!
Good point. But as authors, we do control our beasties. If vampires can be made to sparkle, then merman could have anatomy come and go when they please…
Steve
I am so glad i was not eating cereal when I read this, cause snorting milk out your nose is not the optimal start for a Monday morning, but this post definitely was.
Thanks!
I wasn’t quite as lucky as Heidi, frosted mini wheats all over the screen …
how about orcs, would be a given that you are the better looking one 🙂
Orcs, yes, they would be quite piggish in the sack (okay, that’s back to the old D&D days when they had pig snouts). I wonder if orcs refer to spooing in someone’s eye as “givin’ him the Sauron!”
Too funny. Well, I still like my vamps and shifters. Call me an old fashioned girl.
With a mummy I’d be worried about parts breaking off … ummm, mid … yeah, you know, at a key moment. And you’d have to be buying lube by the gallon. A dry f*ck takes on a whole new meaning.
I’ve always wonder if ghost ejaculate is like that slime in Ghostbusters.
As for mermen, I read an m/m/f once where the guys were alien mermen (kill two paranormals with one stone) and they had a ruffle on their penis which sprialed up and when the big moment arrived the ruffle would spring up to essentially keep the swimmers inside. Granted in an m/m relationship this biological feature is kind of pointless and I just had visions of the frilled lizzard and “ouch” came to mind. No snapping open inside please.
I’ll pass on a wall of eyeballs though thanks. Too creepy. Now a wall of penises, then we’re talking.
I guess I’m old-fashioned, too, then. I like the vamps and the fuzzies. Not sure about the demons. I agree with Tam about the fragility of the mummy sector. And unless the mermen can shift and come out of the water, they can shove off. A wall of anything sort of squicks me out. Ghosts have potential, though. I’ll have to investigate and get back to you on that one. And leprechauns – if they look like that guy, bring ’em on!
Thanks for a fun post, Steve!
I never do guys who are shorter than me. At 5’3″ they are generally hard to come by. Although leprechauns might fill that niche.
My mermen looked like normal humans (except for the ruffle thing) most of the time except when they went in the tub (on the spaceship) or pond (on the planet).
Hmm, okay, the mummy might need some Just for Men and lube to make him a better lover, I’ll give you that.
I think having the merman meet you for a tryst under the docks would be romantic. And if they are punk mermen they would have fish hooks piercing their eyebrows and tattoos of anchors!
Everyone is freaked out by the wall of eyes?!
“And if they are punk mermen they would have fish hooks piercing their eyebrows and tattoos of anchors!”
OMG, even they aren’t mermen I think you’ve just started a whole new trend for teens. If we start seeing this show up I’ll know who to blame, um, I mean give credit.
I knew a boy who, at birth, didn’t have the uretha end at the tip of his penis but in the middle of the shaft–so doctors had to basically add a hole. He could push a fishhook through both holes for a weird, punk look.
Kasumigaura, December 1921.
Takeo huddled by the hibachi brazier, dipped one hand into the tin given to him by Mr Graham Branford and rubbed miniscule dried leaves between his bare fingers. The scent, slight but sharp, was an unfamiliar one. Unfamiliar and troubling. How far does the world extend, he wondered, and how much will I learn? There had been maps at Kaigun Heigakki; every ensign in the Imperial Navy had to learn so many waterways and oceans. But Mr Branford’s present made Takeo doubt he had even glimpsed a hundreth of the world.
Mr. Branford drinks this every morning. Takeo brought a pinch to his nostrils, let a few specks fall on to his lips. His tongue licked them into his mouth. Not the Gyokuro we have offered our British guests, not the Sencha we ourselves drink. No, this man tastes different.
Takeo looked over his shoulder at the shoji behind him. The many eyes of the Mokumokuren his superiors had called to duty watched him. His friend Kawai had told him that the eyes belonged to drowned sailors of the Shohei Maru. Now and then the ricepaper showed their tears.
part 1 of ?
Steve
Is this Japanese porn? 🙂 You know you’re not allowed to talk about porn or invite others to do so. 🙂
Where in hell did you get the eyes? Those things are creepy.
Porn? Moi? Never! Maybe literotica… I thought if no one else was going to write a sexy wall of eyes story, I might have to on Jessewave’s blog and see if I can convince you I was right!
Japanese Mythology is FULL of weird things. How about Kitsune? Or Kappa?
Yes, I can envision it… a Japanese exchange student attending college in the 1950s… a secret Kappa joining a fraternity, like Kappa Sig! Paddles… lots of bathing… nice!
Everyone seems to be talking about zombies at the mo, which… really doesn’t do it for me! I mean, given their propensity for losing body parts… *shudder*
With this name, obviously I’m a big fan of mermen, and punk mermen sound awesome! 😀
Zombies + hot tub = stew
Mummies and zombies, no. I’d rather pretend necrophilia doesn’t exist than embrace it. Plus, the former are dusty, sandy, dessicated buggers and the latter, slimy and riddled with vermin. To me, cadaverous qualities don’t spell S-E-X-Y.
Vampires, though? Like the creatures themselves, their appeal is eternal.
Mermen are pretty damned worthless, unless they get cozy with other mermen. If a human protagonist is involved, a meramphibian makes more sense.
Leprechauns? Nah, my imagination’s been tainted by Lucky Charms commercials. I’d have trouble buying into a leprechaun hero.
Well, not all mummies have to be dessicated. Anne Rice did Ramses…
As far as vamps, I respectfully disagree. I just think about anyone with fangs performing fellatio and my tender bits shrivel….
I’d be more interested in a storyline about a gay boy who identifies with vamps than is actually a bloodsucker.
For the fang-shy, I believe in White Wolf’s table-top roleplaying game, Vampire: The Masquerade, the fangs were retractable like cat’s claws. Only popped out at feeding time.
“Anne Rice did Ramses…”
Literally? (Hm. Bet he wasn’t cut.)
You are SUCH a smart ass. LOL
I have a friend who is trying to place a kitsune paranormal. She’s having no luck.
On the other hand, Kiernan Kelley’s Seti’s Heart is a pretty good mummy romance.
I just turned in cyberpunk mermen for a Circlet anthology (no word yet). Like dolphins, the penis retracts into the body.
My werewolves are out in print and my vamps weren’t very good to start with. (Too much Queer as Folk not enough plot) I like my demons. Boy meets Incubus is always fun, especially when Boy doesn’t believe. (Boy got dragged to hell for being a general rotter and user, not for gayness) And how about a wealth demon who owns a strip club?
The big thing I’m seeing right now is the nephilim, whether positively or negatively portrayed.
Zombies are hot, but–like steampunk–almost over. I’ve written several zombie stories. None where the zombies have sex. No plans to either. For some reason those always come out with no relationship or with lesbians.
Misa Izanaki at Torquere has several stories with Japanese mythology including a kitsune, an oni and a tanuki.
Also, need more centaurs, minotaurs and satyrs!
I think I’d pass on the mummy, zombie and probably even the merman. Leprechaun, maybe, depending on the premise.
Shapeshifters are still on my favorite to read list, depending on how they’re written. Vampires are farther down on the list, only because they’re so overdone in pure teenage girl fantasy. I’m getting tired of reading ‘Twilight’ style vampire love stories.
By the same token as you say, having a ghostly lover would get you no where. I would think it’d become rather frustrating, ghostly limitations and all.
If we’re dragging out more mythological characters rather than monsters, I’d say let’s check out the elves. I can’t picture orcs, goblins or ogres (sorry Shrek!) as being a romantic lead, not without the story being more tongue-in-cheek, but, maybe?
So, what’s left? Alien creatures or subterranean ones as yet undiscovered. Would a big foot/yeti/wookie be considered a ‘furry’? How about monsters of magic or mind (PSI)? Of course, they’re more human than other.
@merith, actually, psi folk are the least human. The other monsters want to be human again, to love and live normal lives rather than rampage the countryside/live on a liquid diet/etc.
Psis go one of two ways: the “Oh I wish i were normal and not a freak” way or the one who embraces being more than human, who revels in it. The latter tend to be a little on the Nietzchean side.
I also love Shrek movies, great animation movie.