It pays to be polite and Victor J. Banis hammers the point home in his latest post which illustrates that authors get better results by using honey than by insulting readers. I did a poll 16 months ago in which I asked whether an author’s online behaviour affected readers’ buying decisions. 46% of readers said they stopped buying an author’s books due to rudeness, and 35% of those polled said that they were more likely to try an author based on the way they interacted online; only 15% said it didn’t matter either way. Even though the survey was done over a year ago I suspect the results would be the same if it were done today.
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I recently dropped out of an online writers/readers group because of a snarky comment made by a moderator. Actually, it wasn’t really a slam, more a dismissive
kind of thing, and I’ve got pretty thick skin, so I can’t say it kept me up all night with tears on my pillow. What really bothered me, though, was the lack of manners. If only as a veteran in our gay Civil Wars, I thought surely I deserved more respect than this. Actually, just as a member of our human family, I thought I did. I think we all do.
I’m old fashioned—hell’s bells, I’m old—and I grew up in an era in which courtesy was the expected norm. People comment often on my good manners—but, wait, isn’t that how it’s supposed to work? Now I look around and I think, when did rudeness become the standard? This is not the first such group I dropped out of—I left another a couple of years ago when a member emailed a nasty message culminating in “f… you.” Apart from any other consideration, one has to worry about the word skills of a writer who can’t summon up anything better than that.
But, okay, two such incidents in something like two years – not an awful lot, I’ll admit—or, just maybe, it’s already too much. I hear from other writers about groups they’ve left because of flame wars, and I’ve seen some of it on yet another, mostly hetero, site, though not publicly directed at me (never mind the private messages—it is at least marginally courteous to keep your nasty comments private between us, and thank you for that, Mr. Homophobe.) Think straight guys can’t be bitchy? Think again, it’s like the hair pulling duet in Gioconda, without the high notes.
Historians have noted that if you go back and look at the great civilizations that have come and gone in the life of our planet, one common factor shows up again and again—the first indication of the decay of that civilization comes in the decline of everyday manners. The Greeks of their day wrote about it. And the Romans, and the Chinese and the Persians, et al. I have a suspicion that some of those scrawlings on cave walls are on the very same subject. “Hey, that was my pterodactyl, sucker.” Miss Manners used to joke about saving civilization, but it’s not so much of a joke. Good manners are not something extra that you add on to the veneer of our society, like a deluxe stereo in your new car, they are in fact the glue that holds it together, that makes it possible for diverse peoples to inhabit it and function together. I thought about this at the supermarket just a few days ago when a white-haired Granny all but ran me down with her cart to get in the check-out lane ahead of me. And at Wal-Mart a typical looking Wally customer wore a T-shirt that said, “It ain’t bragging if it’s true.” Well, yes, actually it is—and it’s also boorish, which is to say, rude.
Well, all right, you are saying, what has this got to do with the subject of writing? Good question, and one answer is, it doesn’t. Writing, as I have pointed out before, is a solitary business. You do it alone. But, it is a business, or at least for most of us, the business part of it matters. You want to sell your books. You want editors and publishers to welcome you, and reviewers to give you the coveted stars, or angels, or chocolate kisses—whatever. And sometimes the glue that keeps you and the editor or the reviewer purring along together down the road to publishing happiness is nothing more than old-fashioned courtesy and respect. If you treat someone well, the way you yourself would like to be treated, it often pays dividends. People are kindly disposed toward you. Or, as I put it in another context, sometimes treating it as if it’s not only business turns out to be good business.
Strange as it may seem, I have watched otherwise fine writers commit publishing suicide in flurries of rudeness. I’m thinking of one well known and well regarded writer who personally offended (within a matter of weeks) not one but two editors to whom he had submitted his work—railing against them within days of his submissions for not getting back to him at once. Because, don’t you see, he was an important writer and busy, and shouldn’t be kept waiting. Never mind their importance or busy-ness. It was like watching a spoiled child shouting, “Me, me me.” Of course, both found ways to turn him down, and I think there was little chance of his ever placing anything else with them. Worse than the possible loss of those two outlets, however, is the fact that publishing does not exist in a vacuum. (vacuums are very rare; they exist in the heads of one or two people I know; otherwise, forget it) Word gets around. Other editors, other publishers, hear, and shun the offender. Could have been avoided with just a little common courtesy—which, alas, seems to have become uncommon.
Yet another writer wrote in a blog some unflattering remarks about a publisher. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but one mustn’t forget that blogs and internet postings become public venues. It’s like shouting a bad opinion about someone in a crowded restaurant. People are bound to hear. They may privately agree with you, but they certainly won’t respect your failure to observe the niceties of good manners. In this instance, the writer was more or less blacklisted; but, again, not only by this particular publisher. The publisher happens to be well known and respected. I suspect that other publishers would make note of the lack of respect shown, and act accordingly.
Irene Watson of the online zine, Reader Views recently posted an editorial about a writer who disagreed with a posted review, and had some insulting remarks to make about the reviewer. Here’s the silliest thing of all—it was a 5 star review; but the author didn’t think it was good enough. The review was pulled, the book returned. Count on it, no more reviews in this important outlet. And Ms. Watson added that she had communicated with other review sites about the incident. So, lots of lost review opportunities. Bad manners. Bad business.
Here, by the way, is the correct response to a bad review, no matter how bad: “Thank you for taking the time to read and review my book.” You can’t win by calling the reviewer names. Nothing you say will sound like anything but sour grapes. If there is a factual error, you may politely point that out. It’s okay to point out (nicely, mind you, no snide remarks permitted) that the story takes place during WW II and not, as the reviewer stated, The Battle of Thermopylae. That might matter to a reader. But that’s it, and no nit-picking. It doesn’t matter if the review is vicious. Others will read it and see that for themselves, and you will get their sympathy, and strange as it may sound, you may get sales as a result. Some of them will buy the book to see if the reviewer was right. Start snarling at the reviewer like a pit bull, however, and you lose all sympathy. It’s that simple. Bad reviews go with the territory. You are supposed to be grown up enough to take it without whining.
The same is true at the editorial level. I recently got a turn down from an editor. Not particularly shocking, in the course of a long career, I’ve gotten plenty. But the reason given for the turndown was silly, it told me only that the individual hadn’t read beyond the first page, maybe not even beyond the first paragraph. I could have written back and argued with him, but to what point? Even if I was proved right, what were the chances he’d welcome another submission from me? The right response here is, nothing. Or, if you really want to show what a courteous fellow you are, you can always drop a note back saying, “thanks for the comments, I will give them my full consideration.” Which gets you points for a double entendre, and nothing snarky. Nobody likes a bitch. We may quote Bette’s movie lines ad infinitum, but no one wants to be the butt of the joke. Save that nasty crack to use in your next book. That’s the beauty of being the writer – when you think of those delicious comebacks, you don’t have to waste them, they’ll come in handy later. Then, everybody will laugh with you.
Yes, write, and write as well as you can. But if you’re serious about your career, learn to exercise good manners. At the least, train yourself to refrain from bad ones. I can’t say that bad manners will kill your career, but I can say with certainty they won’t help it.
And while you’re at it, maybe you should let Granny go ahead of you at the supermarket. But don’t brag about it.
Thank you, Victor, for pointing out the benefits of civility and good manners and even the times they don’t matter, which is…never. Great post.
You are right as usual Victor 🙂 And I think especially in the m/m writing world it pays to be polite. This world is rather small and words gets around quickly.
Oh Victor, you speak such sense.
Let’s run away and be old/old fashioned/courteous together.
Charlie
Oh, you made such a good point (among many good points) when you said that the good manners should just be the norm, not the exception (paraphrasing you here).
Such true words! A thought that every writer–no, every person–should hang above their desks as a daily reminder.
Sure, sure,we’re told writers should have thick skins. I’m developing one as I progress in my writing. But—but—the fact that a writer should have thick skin does not excuse bad manners in the loops or on any other forums.
Bravo,Victor. I truly loved this post.
Thanks, all, for the comments – nice polite ones, too. It is funny (as in funny-odd) that people should think courtesy doesn’t matter in the writing & publishing world. Sadder still how much just plain rude-behavior you encounter day to day. My parents had very definite ideas about how children should behave. At the time, I thought they were just being old fogeys, but today I give thanks over and over for having been taught early on how to behave. Lessons I’ve never forgotten. And here’s something to consider – I’ve got friends who go back with me 50 years and more – and we still treat one another with great courtesy and respect. Of course, maybe that’s why the friendships have lasted?
Victor
Great advice. Some people still don’t really understand that nothing you type on-line is not private, even private messages and e-mails can be forwarded, copied and you find yourself on the “epic fail” website or suddenly 300 of your nearest and dearest reders have received copies of your “private” vitriol.
It can’t hurt to be nice. No one ever lost a sale or had a contract cancelled because they were nice and polite. At least I hope not. 🙂
Thank you, Victor. As a fairly new writer (two years published and counting) I was horrified by the lack of manners in some writers when I dove into the publishing world. I’ve tried my best to adhere to the manners my mother drilled into me at an early age. There is no doubt in mind if I acted the rude fool she would return from the other side to haunt my sorry behind.
Having been personally attacked myself I often wonder why such behavior has become prevailant not just in publishing, but day to day life as well. It was nice to see that I’m not the only one who tries my best to be courteous and ignore the rampant rudeness of others.
Again, thank you for the lovely advice. May those who feel a need to be rude stumble across this blog and think twice before speaking out of turn and reconsider the use of a courtesy filter.
I’ve noticed we live in a culture of bullying that seems to come from the top down — in the last fifteen years especially. I could never be happy if something I said hurt someone’s feelings or belittled or denigrated them, and the fact that it might be funny has never seemed like a good enough reason for rudeness to me.
I agree that we should all save our snarky remarks for the work. That’s where it counts anyway. I still remember the Chaucer character in the film “A Knights Tale” who says something along the lines of, “I was naked for a day, you will be naked for all eternity.”
My patron saint of snark Dorothy Parker aside, we can most often benefit more from holding our uncivil tongues than we can from exercising them.
Excellent post, excellent reminder, thank you.
Yes, Ms. Parker was the queen of snark, but not even she was immune to the results. Her life ended pretty dismally. Still, she left many funny stories behind. She was apparently a great listener, only occasionally murmuring comments to encourage others to go on and on – ultimately leaving themselves wide open to her venom. So she got Kitty Carlisle to talk for length about her stage debut, finishing with, “I came on stage and I realized that those two thousand people out there were expecting me to entertain them.” And Ms. Parker said, in a murmur, of course, “How terrible, how could they do that to you?” But I don’t imagine it was as funny to Ms. Carlisle.
Oh so true, Victor. I’m reminded of the writer who attacked a reader’s review – 3 stars – and questioned whether the reader had actually purchased the book or downloaded it from a pirate site! Needless to say he/she (writer) had several unfavorable comments from other offended readers. Not the cleverest way to treat your readers – apart from being downright rude.
Wonderful post Victor! It IS a shame that we live in a time when I hear “your son is so polite” in an almost accusing way! Sad to realize that manners are not the norm, as you said. I too was raised to be respectful, and I have found that the MORE respectful and polite I am to people (after 20 plus years in customer service ask me how easy that is lol!) the more people back off and return that respect. It is a simple thing, but to me it allows insight into who a person really is. If one can be polite to a faceless person in an on-line setting, that person is probably someone I would enjoy knowing in “real-life”….and someone I would definitely choose to support by reading their work.
Elaine, yes, it’s sad isn’t it, when we remark about the child who is polite, as if that were something odd. Now, I do know many small children (big family) who are polite, but you also see so many who haven’t been trained, and I feel sorry for the children, because ultimately it will make life harder for them and they will never know why. Some while back author Bryl Tyne came to my town while I was doing a book fair, and she had her two sons with her, 5 and 7, as I recall, and people were commenting on how well behaved they were. I mentioned it to her and she said they’d had 10 hours in the car for her to tell them what would happen if they weren’t – but, truth to tell, I observed that she had great relations with the boys, so it wasn’t fear of violence, it was that they had been taught their good manners early. What an old fashioned idea! If only more folks subscribed. But let it be said, I am a member of Gaywritersreaders, and also an MLR group, and everyone is unfailingly polite. We often disagree, but no one ever gets snarky. Which is as it should be. For crap’s sake, we’re writers, we’re supposed to have some sense.
Ahhh, Victor.
It’s always such a pleasure!
Emily Post would be proud!
Thank you for this post, Victor! As a business person who spends an ungodly amount of time with corporate emails, I always try to remember that tone doesn’t necessarily come through via the written word alone. The most harmlessly meant message might come across as harsh for any number of reasons (they’re having a bad day, language differences, etc.), so I try to include the basics of please and thank you everywhere I can. Those words are still supremely powerful, I think. So thank you again, Victor, and please keep sharing your ideas with us all as your time permits.
Wonderful post Victor, and so true. I was also raised to be polite to everyone, regardless of their attitude towards me. I definetly subscribe to the practice of only giving my business to “nice” people. That goes for my everyday shopping in stores, or buying someone’s books. If I discover that an author is not a very nice person, I am not buying their books no matter how good they are.
TJ
We had a discussion only last week about one of your favourite authors that I just discovered was someone whose books I will never buy again. Too bad I didn’t find out before I bought 6 of them, but I’m spreading the word.
Wave,
I do feel badly about the books. I won’t be buying or reading any of their books again. But no loss, I have discovered many talented (and kind) authors who I actually like better. They will get my hard earned cash now.
All very true, sage advice, Victor.
As a reviewer I have a (albeit small) list of authors that I will not read or review because of either the way they have reacted badly to reviews (and not just mine) or behaved badly ‘in public’ on other blogs or forums. I will on occasion give an author the benefit of the doubt if they become overly impassioned or argumentative on a discussion thread, putting it down to high emotion, but if they continue to behave inappropriately then they go on my ‘avoid’ list.
After all, there is no need to resort to rude behaviour, hissy fits or insults and it’s always better to take a step back and view the situation with a cool head. Politeness opens more doors than aggressive, rude behaviour.
Missy,
I don’t travel much any more, but when I was rambling around the world, if I didn’t know the language in a country, I always made sure I knew how to say “please” and “thank you.” It’s almost unbelievable what a difference that made – I think especially because Americans have that reputation of not bothering to learn anyone else’s language. Of course, I generally tried to learn another phrase or two, but I’m not going to share them with you.
Victor, I do the same thing, though my list of essential words also includes ‘hello’, ‘goodbye’, ‘yes’, and ‘no’. Only once has it ever gotten me in trouble, when I greeted a man in Istanbul with ‘merhaba’ (hello). He responded with a flood of Turkish (not an uncommon response as my pronunciation was good), so I asked if he spoke English. He castigated me most emphatically in English, the gist being “I spoke Turkish because you spoke Turkish! If you wanted me to speak English, you should have spoken English!”
Oookay…for a moment there I was truly afraid he might physically attack me. I apologized and was on my way as quickly as possible. But that story is memorable because it’s unique.
So true! Politeness makes for a much nicer experience all the way around. I’ve even gotten special deals on occasion just for being friendly and polite when the person right before me was rude.
Haven’t these people ever heard about catching more flies with honey than vinegar? I guess they’re following the “squeaky wheel” school of thought, but all that screeching is so obnoxious that at some point someone is bound to just replace the darn wheel. 🙂
Thank you so much for this, Victor. The world needs more people to remember their manners. Like you, I am frustrated by how prevalent rudeness has become – don’t people realise how much more attractive and appealing they are when they’re polite?
Please and thank you – they don’t cost us anything to say. Neither does “I apologise” on those occasions when we unwittingly say something people take the wrong way – as is so easily done online. I try not to post if I feel too emotional about something. It can always wait, and I’m less likely to type something I’ll regret if I give myself time to calm down.
My daughter is only five and has language delay, but one of the first signs we taught her was “please”, and now she says “please”, “thank you”, “sorry” and “pardon me” beautifully – even when sometimes it’s someone else who should be saying them!
Victor,
You really do have a way with words. *grin* Yes, I know, you’re an author, it’s your job. I’ve got to say, though, I nodded my head a lot while reading your post. Manners seem to be a thing of the past and it worries me.
I hear young people verbally abusing each other, their teachers, their parents and whoever else is in their world. They don’t move for the elderly. I can’t recall the last time I actually saw a young person get up and offer his or her seat to an older person, or a pregnant woman. I don’t know if manners aren’t taught at home, or if the generation has somehow managed to ‘delete’ that part of their upbringing. I know if I’d been as rude, my father would have knocked my head off.
As for writers being rude. I can’t say I never have, but I hope I’ve never offended anyone who comes across anything I’ve posted online.
I will always remember replying to the reviewer who did the first review I ever got. It was pretty horrid. I cried all the time I typed my thank you, but I did it and I’m proud of myself for that tiny bit of good behavior. I could have ranted and whined, but to what end? I would still have a horrid review, an attack on me as an author actually, and the reviewer would have had reason to blacklist me. Not a good thing.
Okay, I’ve procrastinated enough. I have a book that needs writing. Thank you, sir, for another wonderful post.
Hugs
Great article, Victor. I agree with everything you wrote. I was brought up to have good manners, and I like to see them in others, too.
I think the internet can be blamed for a growth in bad manners … I’ve never seen such rude, nasty people in real life as I have on the net. Anonymity and the ability to hide behind a screen-name seems to breed contempt.
Victor
One of the reasons people visit this site, apart from the reviews and posts, is that visitors know that I don’t tolerate rudeness and I quickly ask offenders to leave or I tell them where to go. This is a place where everyone gets to say his or her piece but not in a way that’s offensive, which is the way it should be everywhere.
I blame it, partially at least, on the t-shirt. I find it much harder to be unpleasant when dressed in a suit because I generally feel on a higher level, if that makes sense. But when one’s appearance is sloppy, so tends to be one’s tongue. Great post, Victor. Thank you.
Robert Heinlein made that observation in a few of his books, saying that the first sign of a declining civilization was rudeness and dirty public toilets — since that’s a form of rudeness to leave a mess behind for others to clean up.
I have always tried to be polite, all through my life. I say thank you when someone holds the door for me, I say excuse me when I burp — even if I’m alone. LOL. I bless total strangers when they sneeze. To me it’s easier to be nice than expend energy getting pissed and venting to everyone. And really, it ends up hurting you as much — in lost friends, business opportunities and all the stress anger brings to your own body. Not worth it.
Victor, your post is a primer for living and not just for writing. Having been “raised right” as a Southern boy, your words resonate the lessons taught and hopefully still practiced.
And, as a new writer who will inevitably receive my first bad review at some point, yours is advice taken to heart and committed to memory. Thank you.
I’ve always assumed that in the present, inflectionless internet world, it’s best to say things that are very difficult to take in any manner other than the way they are meant.
When I’m talking with my friends in IM or e-mail, I know they’ll understand that I’m being facetious or playful when I say ‘screw you with a ten foot pole, if I had one,’ while total strangers might take offense.
As far as reviews go, my standard response to poor ones is “I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy the story, but thank you for taking the time to not only read it, but write a review. I hope you’ll take a chance on future stories and possibly find them more to your liking. Thanks again for your time.”
It’s so much easier to say that than it is to rattle off an ass-load od venom. Plus, if I were entirely rude, I’d have nightmares in which my Mum kept asking what I was thinking to open my mouth to another person that way. LOL
~Tis
Thanks all for the comments. It’s been an interesting discussion, hasn’t it?