As you know I ask authors to post on different topics on the site and it’s up to them to decide what topic to write about, although I might make suggestions occasionally when asked. I invited Ethan Stone, a relative newcomer to the site and to writing, to do a piece on something that was on his mind. I thought he should go through the usual baptism of fire that most authors do the first time they post here. 🙂 The title of Ethan’s post is very controversial and I’m sure many of you will say that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about since gay men don’t know a whole lot about faking or their straight brothers. However, he does have a point or two. 🙂
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Why gay men are better than straight men
I could do a David Letterman-style top ten list on the subject of why gay men are better than straight men, but being a gay man makes me slightly biased.
But there is one thing that straight men do that I would never do. I would never want my partner to fake an orgasm. Not that straight men want their partner to fake it, but apparently it is something that happens.
Ever since seeing When Harry Met Sally and the scene where Meg Ryan pounds the table in mock ecstasy and sexual excitement I’ve wondered why some women perfect such an odd skill. It’s certainly not a talent I possess, nor do any of my gay male friends.
I asked a few of my female friends why on occasion they feel the need to fake it.
This was Laura’s response: “If I fake it, it’s because I’m just too damn tired and don’t want hear him whine. I just want to go to sleep.”
Marie agreed. “All I want to do is sleep.”
I’m all for sleeping, but that comes after the sex. I’d rather have sex than sleep. Hell, I’d rather have sex than eat. The subject here is the difference between gay men and straight men. And the real
question is why straight men would need, or want, their partner to fake an orgasm.
Marie said that if straight men don’t get the woman off they feel like a failure. When it’s two men together that isn’t the case. For me, sex is always a success. The success is finding someone that you click with enough to get past that awkward first date. Sex is easy, it’s the talking before and afterward that’s difficult. 🙂
If my partner and I can make it to bed and maintain our excitement enough to get to the main event, then it was a success, regardless of the final, well,…, outcome. :sex4:
There must be an ego difference between gay and straight men. Growing up, boys are taught what does and doesn’t make them a man. Of course, we weren’t told that you can suck cock or take it up the ass and still be a man. Just the opposite, in fact. So we either hid those desires and tried to act like what the world considered real men or we faced ridicule and scorn. We were responsible for our own sense of masculinity while straight men didn’t have to fight to prove they were men. We taught ourselves self-respect and didn’t learn to need it from others. Our sense of manliness and self-esteem doesn’t necessarily depend on our partner.
Here’s a scenario. Two people are running a marathon together. They’re running side by side until one starts to lag behind. The distance between them gets longer and longer. Eventually one of them is much further ahead than the other. Soon, one of them has totally stopped. But the other person is feeling fresh and full of excitement and isn’t about to stop. That person wants to cross the finish line at all costs.
As a gay man, I imagine it this way. If the couple is straight, the man is going to finish. But if his partner doesn’t finish as well, is he going to feel like he isn’t a real man? Is his sense of self wholly and totally dependent on his partner finishing with him? But the woman probably isn’t going to finish, so what’s any self-respecting straight man gonna do?
He would be just as happy to knock her over the head and drag her over the finish line by her hair. Obviously, she doesn’t like that idea. She’d much rather fake crossing the finish line by hopping into a car and hoping the guy doesn’t realize she cheated. But what if the car breaks down? Would the driver phone AAA for a tow or request extra gas? 🙂
Things would be different if the couple was a gay male couple. As one guy pulls forward and the other one falls back, the lead man is going to know there is an excellent reason why. Maybe the one guy is tired or maybe he has a leg cramp. Or maybe the guy ran earlier, maybe by himself, or with another man. All men know it can be difficult to finish more than once a day. Whatever the reason, the second guy simply cannot cross the finish line, even if he wants to more than life itself.
The lead man’s confidence and self-assurance isn’t tied into whether or not his partner finishes. He is going to cross the finish and it is going to be fucking amazing! And the guy who doesn’t finish is going
to enjoy watching his partner win the race.
It would seem that straight men need reassurance when it comes to making love. They need to feel that they did good. Like a little puppy, desperate for attention, they need those words of encouragement. Only instead of “Good dog” it’s “Oh yeah, baby. You made me cum!”
Basically, what it comes down to is this: Straight men need their ego stroked. Gay men only need their cock stroked.
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So my question is this – Do straight men really not know if their partner is faking it? For the few that don’t there’s an easy way to tell, but it will cost you. 🙂 Are there differences between straight and gay men other than the obvious? 😆 Men in general, straight or gay, can’t fake it. How would they do it? Also, if they get tired can they say to their SO – “Not tonight honey, the boys want to play with each other. :sex4: ” OR “The two guys in the sack are dicking around and won’t come because they love being in dark places?” 😆
As a formerly addicted-to-faking orgasms woman who has been in recovery for a long time, to your comment, “Why would a woman perfect such an odd skill?” let me just say: it’s complicated. It has lots to do with evolution and biology; sex drive and libido; want and desires both in the moment and long-term…I could go on and on. Being a faker is not necessarily something a woman wants–it might be a case of not knowing otherwise. I fell into that camp.
As for your question, “Does a straight man know if a woman is faking it?” I think that if he loves her and cares about her pleasure then yes, he does, or at least, will eventually come to know. And, if/when he knows, he’ll work to help her overcome that habit/behavior because believe me, a real orgasm is a whole lot better than a fake one, any day of the week.
Sometimes I think of it as the difference between sex and making love. Sex can be selfish–it can be all about “me” and having “me” (whether male or female) get off. Making love, on the other hand, is being sharing and loving and considering the other person’s pleasure–the other person’s pleasure becomes the goal. “My pleasure is your pleasure” is what my husband says to me. When I finally learned to believe that, and accept it, is when I became un-addicted to faking orgasms.
L
I never realized faking orgasms could be addicting. Very interesting.
Of sex being about “me, me, me” isn’t limited to straight couples. It is part of my sex life, far too often.
Thanks for the info.
I admit, Ethan, I’ve spent more time thinking about this post than writing up the fundamentalist reaction to the feminized Church.
Perhaps I ought to change my dissertation.
Did I get this right, the first guy gets off whatever and number 2 gets the pleasure of watching him? What’s the difference between that and pretending you’ve finished the race as well? Women make their men feel better with a little white lie and gay men cheer their partner on and then everyone can go to sleep.
Sue- You are right faking it and cheering your partner on are basically the same thing. Both have the same goal in mind–pleasing your partner.
Thanks for the comment.
There are far too many sexist men out there who, whatever they may say in mixed company, don’t quite see the women they sleep with as their equals. A sexist man is much less likely to learn what his female partner needs for orgasm, but also more likely to feel pychologically diminished if this inferior creature doesn’t automatically have an orgasm as a result of his mighty efforts.
Which means that women fake orgasms so that they don’t have to refight the sex war every time they don’t have one.
Thanks for the article, Ethan. Very enlightening.
Your comments echo what my female friends said–that sometimes fighting the sex war isn’t worth it.
Thanks
That’s it exactly, no sex war, not saying I fake all the time, cause I don’t and I am not addicted to faking, but sometimes its just easier. And there are times when I let him know i didn’t come, but I have the right to choose that moment.
I’ve always found that men (straight men that is 😀 ) feel that they’ve failed if you don’t reach that big “O” at some point in the activities. I’ve never been one for faking instead showing my partner what I need in order to get there be it going for a quick finish because I’m tired 😉 or for the lovely long drawn out session finishing with a “wow you rocked my world” :bravo: .
It took a while for my husband to realise that just because I didn’t orgasm I still enjoyed every second and lets face it us women are all different when it come to……well coming 😀 . Some can reach that peak very easily whilst it takes a lot and I mean a lot for others to get there. I always say to my husband my mood has to be right for me to orgasm and if it’s not, there is no chance of it happening even when the sex was great. For me an orgasm doesn’t arrive from physical stimulation alone….I want romance and the right setting to get there….well I also like the down and dirty too :sex4: .
Whoa….I feel like I’m teaching sex ed 😕
Anyway back to the point – I understand why some women would fake it and I think it is us who can take a big part of the blame as to why some men may feel unmanly if they don’t quite get us there. We’ve a tendancy to fake rather than teach how to, because they “should know how to do it damn it!” :crystalball:
I would guess that gay men would understand why their partner hasn’t reached the big finish – due to having the same parts and all (per your example of maybe not being able to come more than once or twice in a short period – can I just say “multiple orgasms people”…he he he). A straight man may think that was fantastic sex why didn’t she come? did she not enjoy it? And therin lies the problem most women I know would say of course I enjoyed it but I just didn’t quite get there and that leaves the man still wondering where the hell he went wrong because men just don’t get women :wallbash:
Thats my thoughts anyway and I could be wrong 😯
Stace– What you do is thankfully what my bf did when we first got together–taught me how to do it right.
“…the real question is why straight men would need, or want, their partner to fake an orgasm.”
No, I think the real question is DO straight men want their partners to fake an orgasm. Or how about, why do women think men want them to fake it. Personally, I could not begin to tell you why any man would want anything. Sometimes I really think men are a different (alien) species. 😀
Just because Marie believes that straight men feel like a failure if their partner doesn’t come does not mean that it’s true. Why does Marie believe that? Did she hear it straight from the horse’s mouth, or did she hear it from other women?
Let’s assume she heard it straight from the horse’s mouth. Did he say that because he thought that’s what she wanted to hear? (In other words, is he faking it?) Or if it was true for that man, what makes us assume it is true for all straight men?
Interesting post, Ethan. It certainly woke me up this morning. 🙂
Let’s see if I can comment this time without being told I’m spam.
I think Marie was just speaking for herself when asked why she fakes orgasm. I doubt she was attempting to speak for all of womankind or any collection of men. And knowing her as I do, I suspect this was all just random stuff said in a chat unknown it would become an internet article.
I had this very long post about hormones and difference but it is apparently spam, so nobody will get to read it. Alas.
Heidi
I just returned home and cleared the “spam” and pending, and this is the only comment from you. Sorry.
I can only speak from personal experience on this one. I’ve never faked it (I don’t think I’m that good an actress!) but occasionally my husband worries that I have. I think that idea bothers him more than the times I don’t orgasm – which as we’ve aged he’s come to realize that it’s normal. Honesty is a big deal.
I don’t think many men “want” their partner to fake it. They’d have to be pretty callous to do that!
Good post, Ethan!
Hmmm, so many misconceptions here I don’t know where to start, so I’ll tackle the least troubling one first & work my way down.
(directed to whomever wrote in red)Some men fake it too. Probably more men than you would think, and more successfully than you would imagine. But it happens for a variety of reasons. Google has some link-ink spilled on the subject.
Directed to Stone’s post
[straight]Men don’t have to fight to prove their masculinity? I think if that were true the virulent opposition gay men face from certain quarters would disappear/not exist. The way I see it, homophobia is grounded in misogyny and the idea that the receptive partner (with women playing the socially approved role) is weak/inferior/unworthy of respect etc. So it’s threatening when a man willingly takes on that sex role.
Then there’s the reality historically & currently, being a man is not granted by virtue of one’s physical sex characteristics, but something that is performed and earned (and therefore can be lost)…add water and mix to create a shaky idea of masculinity that straight men are definitely subject to.
**split post in 2 because I was accused of spamming**
Which leads me to what I refer to as the lie of the Big O. By which I mean, the pervasive idea in western culture that the best, ideal sex is the kind that ends in orgasm–preferably the most stupendous one ever, every time, for both partners…and multiples if you’re female.
**Full disclosure: I’m a lesbian who’s never had sex with a guy, but some of the same hangups apply with lady-centric sex.**
I don’t fake orgasms with my wife. And in truth, in order for me to have an orgasm every time, we’d need to have 3 hours of uninterrupted, distraction free sex(she doesn’t share my slow burn–the lucky beyotch gets off in 10 minutes flat :grumble:)So we can have any where from 15 minute sessions to hours long marathons. And I enjoy all of them because for me, the big O is like having organic bacon and eggs for breakfast: undeniably delicious, but not essential (feel free to substitute whatever treat works for you).
I’ll stop there ‘cuz I’ve gotten zero work done. Thanks for the post.
I have to say that I don’t understand what you are saying. Can you dumb it down for me?
I’m not going to bother anymore, sorry, my full post keeps being eaten by the spam monkey.
I’ve given up on my post making any sense because the spam bots keep deleting my full post or accusing me of spamming. Carry on, nothing to see here.
sigh, why can’t I post my full comment?
**split post in 2 because I was accused of spamming**
And then there’s what I refer to as the lie of the Big O. By which I mean, the pervasive idea in western culture that the best, ideal sex is the kind that ends in orgasm–preferably the most stupendous one ever, every time, for both partners…and multiples if you’re female.
**Full disclosure: I’m a lesbian who’s never had sex with a guy, but some of the same hangups apply with lady-centric sex.**
I don’t fake orgasms with my wife. And in truth, in order for me to have an orgasm every time, we’d need to have 3 hours of uninterrupted, distraction free sex(she doesn’t share my slow burn–the lucky beyotch gets off in 10 minutes flat :grumble:)So we can have any where from 15 minute sessions to hours long marathons. And I enjoy all of them because for me, the big O is like having organic bacon and eggs for breakfast: undeniably delicious, but not essential (feel free to substitute whatever treat works for you).
I’ll stop there ‘cuz I’ve gotten zero work done. Thanks for the post.
Zola
I’m very sorry but while I was out the spam filter was very busy and held a lot of comments so there may be duplicates of your comments. If there are you can just go ahead and delete one of them. 🙂
Ethan I agree with you! 😀
I loved your post!
I guess for me, part of the joy in having sex is “giving pleasure to someone else” (and by default I get it too) otherwise you are just a masturbatory device if you’re only their for your own pleasure and while sex without the big finish is nice, don’t get me wrong, I think we all go into it with one goal in mind. So if my partner has sex with me and can’t orgasm, then I’m not really giving them as much pleasure as I know I could, or have in the past. That’s GOT to affect your self-esteem, what have I done wrong this time? And if it happened time after time after time? Ack!
I think it comes down to “I want to give you the ultimate pleasure” and most guys believe they can if they just do it “right” (or long enough) and for some it’s never going to happen so rather than damage that self-esteem you fake it.
Have I faked it? A few times. Same thing, it’s not going to happen and rather than say “it’s just not working for me tonight hon, give it up”, you just go with it and get it over with. Luckily it was rare for me but no one knew.
I love my husband, I love sex, and I have a wonderful, working sex drive.
Recently I saw someone mention:
“I don’t fake it–ever. My husband is one of those men who believe that both partners should finish EVERY time, and our way of doing that is that I come first.”
My husband is also one of those men. He thinks we should both finish EVERY time. That’s a lot of pressure, lemme tell ya. Sometimes I am just so exhausted at the end of the day from chasing after two kids, cleaning the house, etc, that I’m just not gonna get there.
I could be stressed from something that happened during the day and I just want to be loved on and cuddled a bit. But just because I didn’t get off doesn’t mean he didn’t “do his job right”. But, he thinks that way.
So, yeah, there are days when I fake it. To make him feel better. That or spend the next 2 hours screwing when really, I just wanna sleep because I have to wake up in 4 hours. He doesn’t get that I can enjoy sex without that last blast-off.
Men put too much pressure on themselves. They have to realize that it does not have to be the big O every time. Sometimes the small ripples and cuddling is a lot more satisfying. It’s also very important to communicate with each other.
Ultimately men do need to have their egos stroked and not only about their performance in the bedroom. It’s not any different from a woman wanting to hear she looks nice when she dresses up to go out or has a new hairdo.
BTW Ethan I love your books. Keep up the good work.
Gosh, when it comes to my man I don’t think this complexly. I think he would agree that mostly he just wants to be stroked. 😆 But as we know life can at times be the pits and OVERWHELMING. We both need a bubble of fantasy. That all is great. It is not a time for the perfidity of human sexuality but at time for fantasy and play.
I wish there were more stories written about long term couples +10 years, and the challenges they over-come for the intimacy of their relationship to thrive.
I enjoy your stories Ethan. I’ll be getting the next one when it comes out. Thanks for supporting the blog!!
Ethan, Firstly, I just love you, your books, your humor, and everything.
On the topic – I rarely (almost never) have the big O – ever! I have been married twice now and I have always been honest, and have NEVER faked it, not even with a boyfriend. Both husbands have tried to please me, but eventually they quit trying, and you are just a hole they fill. No holding, cuddling, personal time together; I rarely ever even get a kiss. Months go buy without any physical contact other than providing that hole. I think it definitely changed their opinion because I was honest. I enjoy the sex act if we are getting along, they have been treating me good, etc. I can even get very wet (which would make it easy to fake). For women I believe a lot of the O is based on thier feelings and happiness. If my husband has been crabby all day, in a bad mood or is just being a selfish dick, I say “can you just hurry and get done.” If I had it to do over, a) I would have had sex with my husbands before they became my husbands to see if we were sexually compatible; and b) I would have faked it from the beginning. This is probably to much information but wanted to show why my opinion is what it is.
Depper– Thank you for sharing this very personal information and thank you for reading my post and my books.
I am a “Never faked it in my life” girl. I figure if I am intimate with the person then he is going to get the real me..Big O or Not. I don’t want him to feel bad about it but, I am not going to fake it so he’ll feel good about it. It is what it is. Of course, I’d be a happier girl with one but, He knows I enjoy pleasing him too and if it didn’t happen he will make sure it does next round.
On another note: Hubby told me the first time he ever slept with a girl he faked it…I was like HUH? he said, yea, it went on forever and I was getting so raw that I ended it by faking it. He said she was so tierd that he is pretty sure she said “thank god!” :hysterics:
I personally don’t fake. I think some women fake to reassure or please their man–most men do like the idea that they’ve pleased their partner, and I think a lot of men have a “success or failure” mindset when it comes to sex. Should a woman fake? I think not, but some women see it as being simpler in the long run.
As for a man finishing first and expecting his partner to sit back and be pleased at his pleasure–not as sure about that. If, as you say, there is a good reason for not finishing, then fine. But a man should not assume that his partner is OK with not finishing–here communication is key. I think many people don’t know how to ask for what they want or tell their partner what pleases them, so they end up frustrated with sex. That’s really a shame, because sex should be about mutual enjoyment and pleasure, not about simply enduring until one partner is done.
Excellent article, Ethan.
My friends and I have a sched set up of what/whom we’d do if we could have a penis for a day. It seems to us men always come and they’re always talking about the benefits of this particular type of protein 🙂 Anyway, this then leads to the whole who here has faked it conversation. Someone always admits to doing it and for the same reason, it’s just easier. 😐
Fascinating post.
hello
I’m a little puzzled by the “finishing point” you seem to agree on; I don’t think that the most important in sex is the orgasm. I used to have a partner who was “very good” at making love with me, but it never ended with orgasm (for me).But all along the time it lasted,it was really great and I have never felt the need to fake an orgasm. He knew that I enjoyed what we were doing together and didn’t feel frustrated because I didn’t scream: “oh my God! ” when he finally came.
So, I don’t see the point in faking an orgasm.
I cannot wait to share this post with my hubs. I don’t fake it and I like to make him “feel good” every day, but he gets upset if the scorecard isn’t even. Once I share the marathon analogy with him maybe he won’t feel guilty!
Hi guys
For some reason the spam filter has decided to act up so if you left a comment and it doesn’t appear give me about an hour to release your comment before you write another one. Thanks. This would ensure no duplicates. 🙂
Ethan I think you’re brilliant!
Well, well Ethan, you managed to stir up a sh*t storm, lol. After reading all the posts, I totally forgot your original question:) To state the most obvious difference between gay & straight men, gay men have the advantage, y’all are working with the same equipment, more or less *snicker* Apparently straight men need more affirmation from their women. I won’t go into short term relationships, I’ve had a few where I knew from the 1st sexual encounter, ummm this ‘ain’t gonna work’, get out while you can:) While I have never felt the need to fake O, there were times when I used a few tricks to expedite matters. Honesty is a big part of any relationship or marriage & the best advice I could give anyone is to start as you mean to go on. Can you imagine if your wife of 2 yrs or 5 yrs, etc, told you that she really didn’t reach O, had been faking it!! Wouldn’t that be a bigger ego deflator than knowing you had to change things up. There could certainly be some fun to be had in the experimentation;)
I see several comments from women with children which opens up a whole new can of worms. Yes, sometimes we are fricking tired and I’ll leave it at that cause they know exactly what I mean!
A real man, committed to one woman or man, who wanted them to feel like they are the most important thing in the world, yes, he would know if someone was faking *sigh*
On another note, I love your books Ethan, keep on writing:)
@Zola, no offense, but I have no idea what you are trying to say in regards to Stone’s post. Are you writing a dissertation?? Western culture believes sex should end in orgasm?? The only response I can come up with is, WTF!
Hi!
I love this article~a fun read on a lazy Saturday morning. Thanks! 😀
Call me crazy but I think we’re over-analyzing this whole thing. In my opinion it’s so very simple. My husband, who loves me, enjoys his orgasms and wants me to enjoy them to. It’s like when we go to dinner. He always offers me a bite of whatever he’s ordered. If I express enjoyment in his choice he insists we share it because he wants us both the equally enjoy the meal. Our meal is just not as pleasureable for him if I didn’t enjoy my food as much as he did his. Simple, right?
I love your analogy!!
Good job, Ethan. This discussion is so fascinating in an I am so damn glad for my Y chromosome sort of way. I can maybe, almost, kind of relate in that I’m not the easiest guy to bring off, but I get there eventually.
Buda- You and I have something in common with the whole not so easy to bring off. But taking the long way can certainly be fun.
Hmmm, do we need a contest on who can last longer than the other?? And I’m thinking you two might need some judges!! :sex4: :pant:
Interesting discussion. I have occasionally asked my friends their thoughts on faking, but never thought about a gay/straight issue. In my opinion, as a reforming faker (who occasionally still lapses), the issue is not so much the ego of my man, but my personal insecurities and confidence problems. Most of the time, I can take matters into my own hand, and find satisfaction when things aren’t progressing equally, and my hubby can enjoy the show. But there are times when I don’t feel very sexy which dampens my personal desire, but I want to make sure my man is satisfied. I want him to be able to focus on his own physical experience, not just trying to get me off. That’s where faking comes in for me. It’s my way of letting him be in the moment just for himself, and not feel the pressure of performing for me.
But that’s the relationship with my true love. Other guys I’ve been with have totally needed the ego boost – but I wonder if that was merely an age/maturity issue. And now that I’ve discovered hot, sexy books to read from great writers like yourself, the ability to tell my man what he needs to do to get us both off has greatly increased…so thanks for that!
Thank you for the post, Ethan.
Back when I was with men, I apparently was with selfish men. I know that now, though I didn’t then. I’m much more self-aware now and realize several things about myself. First, I don’t…er cross the finish line with penetration. I never thought along those lines until I was in my late-twenties and by then I had a female partner who taught me a few things about myself. 🙂 Second, I had fairly low self-esteem because I was a short, chunky girl who didn’t — and still doesn’t — conform to American definitions of beauty. I’m not a hag by any means and I’ve had a decent number of partners, but men were not falling all over me. I felt lucky when guys took an interest in and wanted to be with me, and as such I didn’t question why my partners never even asked if I had crossed the finish line, much less did anything to help me get there. I never faked it because I didn’t learn that I needed to. Oh, I did like the experience of being with them, and giving them pleasure gave me pleasure, but I could never see the big deal for me. For them, I never had a male partner fake it as far as I know (physical evidence seemed to always be present after).
Now, one could say that I am a lesbian at heart and just needed to be with a woman, since that’s when my satisfying sexual life began, but I would refute that by saying that I am still attracted to men, and if for any reason I was back on the market, I would definitely not rule out anyone who knew their way around a woman’s body. And I may have to take sexual resumes and references for future partners on that one. 🙂 As for faking it itself, I don’t have time for it now; if it ain’t gonna happen, it’s time to turn out the light and get much-needed sleep.
The “Big O” as the pinnacle of sex has always seemed a bit suspect to me, at least as it relates to female sexuality.
That joke – about men being an on-off switch and women being a complicated computer is somewhat true. From woman to woman, we have different physiology (along with all the other distinctions in kink, experience, etc).
Some women don’t “cum” (however you define the term) from penetration. Some get the best pleasure that way. Some women have fairly exposed clits, others not so much. Etc. Etc.
So the idea of the one big cum as the goal in sex seems like taking the “on-off switch” of men and trying to apply it to a more complicated piece of machinery.
Some faking is about “just wanting to get back to the laundry”. But some “faking” is about women who haven’t realized yet that they don’t have to have the same kind of an orgasm as a man – or as another woman.
For myself, I sometimes cum in a single “Big O” way (the long hike up Mt Everest (or Mt John, or Mt Michael). Sometimes, I have many small Os leading to a big one. Sometimes it’s a series of peaks and valleys. But all good 🙂
I think Ethan Stone is brilliant! Love all your stuff, Ethan. I’m not a faker. I did not have Big Os until I met my DH. It may have been the BFs were selfish or I was not secure enough to relax with them. It really sucked knowing there was more but never getting there. Ex-BFs did not seem to care either way. From the first time with DH it was GREAT so I married him. He has a 95%-98% O rate. There are times when he says “Your not going to” or I get a slap on the clit & “Your not concentrating” or “Sorry, you were taking to long – I’ll get you next time.” But those are few and far between. We can laugh about it. So it’s all good.