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The Etymology of Ejaculatory Euphemisms, or Why Sometimes ‘Spooge’ Is Just The Right Word: by Jaye Valentine and Reno MacLeod

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Reno

Another risqué Friday! Jaye and Reno decided to write a post for you today on a word that really needs explaining. Like you don’t know what it means. 😀

jaye

However, since some of you have complained about the interchangeability of “cum” and “come” I think you need to read their very concise definitions – maybe you might learn something or two. After all, you can’t know enough about sex because someday you might be called upon to explain “spooge” 😆

******         ***********      *******

Semen by Any Other Name

It’s been mentioned several times lately on this blog that the unique spelling of the word “cum” is construed by some readers as . . . well, icky. And that’s fine—to each his or her own and all that. I’ll be the first to admit that we, Reno MacLeod and Jaye Valentine, were late adopters regarding the use of the alternative, icky spelling.

Shocking, right? It’s not like we don’t have the stuff flowing freely through the vast majority of our gay porn literature.

Back in the day, when we were still respectable citizens and wannabe literary geniuses, we expected to find that spelling in certain classes of books. Namely, those volumes meant to be read while one hand was occupied with something other than holding the book or turning its pages. But then, something happened. Something that would irrevocably (apologies to Ms. Stephanie Meyer for borrowing her favorite, overused word) and permanently change the way we viewed the pornish, low-class, only-meant-for-stroke-fiction spelling of the most commonly used euphemism for semen.

Jaye became an editor.

tree sap spooge

An editor of porn erotic literature. During that monumental, historic period, it became abundantly apparent to Jaye that using the Merriam-Webster-approved spelling of “come” often became . . . well, confusing.

Our friend Merriam (yes, we’re on a first-name basis—don’t be a hater) defines the word thusly:

Okay, scratch that. The definitions go on and on for freakin’ pages. Allow us to instead summarize the definitions of “come” with helpful examples.

1. Intransitive verb meaning “to move toward something.”
Example: “Come here and ravish me, you well-hung stud!”

2. Intransitive verb meaning “to move or journey to a vicinity with a specified purpose.” Example: “Come and see my new Jessica Simpson stilettos! They’re fabulous!”

[Skips over a whole crapload of thirteen verb definitions that have zilch to do with sex, so we don’t care about them. Let’s move on to the good stuff.]

16. often vulgar : to experience orgasm 

And now for the nouns:

1. often vulgar : semen
Example: “Dude, get me a Q-Tip; I have come in my ear.”

2. often vulgar: orgasm
Example: “Dude, did you really have to come in my ear?”

melting ice cream spooge

See? Even before the alternative spelling, the word is already vulgar! Isn’t that awesome? But that’s not our point. The point is, that by using the c-u-m spelling exclusively as a euphemistic noun for the ejaculatory product, and the c-o-m-e spelling for the action that produces said product, we now have a visual cue that the sentence containing the word is referring to the stuff and not the event. Again, awesome!

Since the term is vulgar anyway (Merriam says so!) and the pronunciations of c-o-m-e and c-u-m are exactly the same, and since many publishers insist on the differentiated spellings as part of their house-style manifestos guides nowadays, the odds are you’re going to run across it eventually and often.

Now is the time for all good readers to come and embrace the cum. 🙂

And now, for your extreme etymological enjoyment, we present to you a small sampling from our handy-dandy, totally proprietary, highly confidential dictionary of semen euphemisms because, hey—sometimes “spooge” really is just the right word.

We’ll begin with the proper, clinical word for spooge:

Word: semen
Etymology: Middle English, from the Latin semenius maximus, meaning “the great, sticky seed”
First Known Usage: 14th century by some monk obsessed with masturbation and obscure Latin
Correct Usage: doctor visits, explaining nocturnal emissions to your son, in boat fiction from the 19th century. Example: “Sir,” the specialist said, “I’m afraid your semen lacks sufficient sperm count.”
Incorrect Usage: Too formal for porn. Example: He grunted like a nasty pig, jacking his cock hard, and he shot his semen all over the whore’s pretty face.

And now, we’ll continue on to the sampling of our erudite euphemisms:

elmer's glue spooge

Word: Any words hyphenated with something from the supermarket dairy section (e.g., man-milk, man-butter, man-cream, man-low-cholesterol-spread)
Etymology: No clue, but we can make the assumption that the originator wasn’t lactose intolerant.
First Known Usage: Do we really want to know this?
Correct Usage: Badly edited, first-person “true life” stories on Nifty, ASSTR, Literotica, et al.
Incorrect Usage: Anywhere else, with the exception of dialog poking fun at the aforementioned correct usage.

Word: spunk
Etymology: cognate with Dutch vonk, German Funke, a blend of “spark” and obsolete “funk.” You know, sometimes you just can’t make this shit up.
First Known Usage: 1530–40. Apparently sparking funk was popular in early 16th century Western Europe.
Correct Usage: Porn. Example: He grunted like a nasty pig, jacking his cock hard, and he shot his spunk all over the whore’s pretty face.
Incorrect Usage: Anything not porn. Likely to get you slapped silly in casual conversation with your mother.

Word: Any words created by hyphenating the word “cock” (e.g., -snot,-juice, -nog, -spit). Category also includes related hyphenations, such as penis-paste, nut-nectar, and dick-glue.
Etymology: Some frat house at some college somewhere.
First Known Usage: Unknown, but a six-pack of Bud Light and bong water were likely involved.
Correct Usage: Chemically enhanced conversations confined to college frat houses.
Incorrect Usage: Are you kidding?

champagne spooge

Word: spooge
Etymology: from the French le spoogée, meaning “lumpy cream that people pretend they like the taste of just because it’s French.”
First Known Usage: The French section at Busch Gardens, Williamsburg, circa 1987, in back of Das Festhaus.
Correct Usage: Comic-relief porn. Example: “Aw, man!” Reno grumbled, looking down at his brand-new Abercrombie & Fitch trousers. “You got spo0ge all over my new threads! And these suckers are marked Dry Clean Only!”
Incorrect Usage: Any occasion meant to be taken seriously. Seriously. Spooge is a funny word.

Happy April Fools’ Day. 😀

–Jaye & Reno

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39 comments

  • Tam

    Oh great. Let’s hope no one asks why I’m laughing in my office. That was super, wonderful job.

    I find urbandictionary can be a great source of new and innovative terms entered by 12 year old boys at sleepovers.

  • Marilyn

    It’s so nice when I can sign on to look at some hotties and learn something too. You can bet that this subject will come up at the lunch table today at work. I love to see my boss turn purple. Thank you! Spooge on, dudes! :hurrah:

  • GR

    Thank you, Jaye & Reno! As someone who believes that sex is – and should be – both dirty and funny, I heartily approve!
    My inner editor might quibble a trifle with your use of “euphemism”, but what’s a little semantic disagreement between friends?

  • Josephine Myles

    *Giggles* I’ve always been mystified by this widespread hatred of the word “cum” – I want to yell “It’s only a spelling! It’s useful!”

    A few months ago my choir leader pinned up the words of a new song in Latin:

    Cum decore, cum amore, cum splendore, cum ardore, cum vigore, cum calore…

    which I like to translate as: “Decorative cum, lovely cum, splendid cum, I adore cum, vigorous cum, warm cum…”

    People wonder why I find it hard not to double over laughing singing this one 😀

    • GR

      Josephine, you are a big perv after my own heart! (Although I’d probably translate that last one as “fattening cum”…)

    • Anne Tenino

      As if I wasn’t already laughing hard enough. I might have to send that one to my mother (Catholic school, blah, blah, blah). Except I would have to explain where I got it….

  • Luci

    Lesson learned. Somethings should not be read while on the treadmill. 🙂 This was a fab post, just f’en hysterical and educational. :hurray2: I feel the need to use spooge in a sentence today

  • Angelia Sparrow

    I was always a fan of baby-batter, myself. It seems the only thing appropriate to cum out of the throbbing purple-headed Love Spartans the boys are fisting in the next book.

  • jayhjay

    “Any words hyphenated with something from the supermarket dairy section (e.g., man-milk, man-butter, man-cream, man-low-cholesterol-spread)”

    LOL, that one cracked me up!

  • hannah

    Champagne Spooge?? — or High Maintenance Cum?
    Hey here are spelling checker suggestions for “Spooge” —
    Scrooge,Sponge,Spooner,Sooke, Spoor (WTF!)
    Jaye, Reno,
    Thanks for ending the week on a seriously funny note. Wave wondered how many “f” bombs you guys were gonna drop. None, I dont know your history is this a record?

  • Finn Marlowe

    I have always hated that word cum, but next to spooge, well, I now officially love it. Buckets of it! Man-butter. I’m gonna laugh over that for days. Thanks!

  • TCBlue

    Okay, my issues with ‘spooge’…

    Years ago, when I was working as a line cook in New Orleans, the night crew was required to clean the kitchen after dinner service finished.

    One of our tasks was to scrub the floor under the line with long-handled scrub brushes, then rinse the area by literally throwing the water from five-gallon buckets underneath, where the water would wash all the food/dirt/grease into the drains.

    This was referred to as ‘spooging’. SO… whenever I hear of read the word ‘spooge’ I think of filthy-dirty-nasty-greasy-gross stuff. LOL

    As for ‘cum’? Every time I read it, I think of the (very juvenile) joke about being ‘honored’ as ‘magnum cum loudly’ in college, so… *shrugs*

    I totally giggled my way through the post, btw. *hee* Very much fun for me and nicely done! 😀

    ~Tis

  • SherryF (from the Midwest)

    Too, too funny. So many new and fun terms to work into my daily conversations at my job (state gov’t). That ought to go over well. :censorship:
    .
    I have the daily dictionary of forgotten English and my favorite so far is “puckfyst”…..it *looks* and *sounds* dirty but isn’t (dammit!). It’s means “to be as dry as a dried toadstool”.

    Like you said, some shit you just can’t make up! :crystalball:

  • Anne Tenino

    So, just for clarification purposes… “come” is still the act, but “cum” is the product? Thank god for Find and Replace.

  • Vincent Alexander

    ~Has read this way late because I pay no attention whatsoeves/Was too busy re-reading Firecracker for the 50th time~ Wait, what? Jaye messed up Reno’s slacks? I think he deserves a spanking.

    That’s all I have to say…
    <3

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