Cat Grant talks today about communication … in romance. I comment a lot about the theme of The Big Misunderstanding (or even silly little misunderstandings) that is very prevalent in M/M romances and this sometimes results in our heroes being apart for months and even years because they seem unable to talk to each other. Cat’s position is that the BM isn’t really what it appears. Here’s her perspective ….
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Communication in romance, and why the “big misunderstanding” really isn’t.
I’ve published eleven books since 2008, but it’s only recently I realized the central conflict in most of my work revolves around communication – or the lack of it. Opening up and talking to one’s partner is the most important part of any relationship. It’s also the scariest part.
(Let me preface this by saying the following is based on my own fifty-odd years of life experience, twenty of which were spent with the same man. Your mileage may vary!)
Gay or straight, men do not talk about their feelings the same way women do. Most men – at least, in Western society – are brought up to believe that showing their feelings is a sign of weakness. They’re also taught from an early age to be problem-solvers. Whenever my late husband and I had a disagreement, he thought he had to come up with a way to fix it right there and then. Which meant he was focused on slapping a Band-Aid on it, rather than listening to me. Men can be incredibly bull-headed about this, but to be fair, it’s hard to change decades of societal conditioning.
And in m/m romance, the bull-headed man factor’s doubled. For me, it’s a lot easier to write a scene with my male characters getting physically naked and fucking their brains out, instead of a heart-to-heart conversation. Because they’ll either do the fix-it thing, or they’ll deflect. They’ll talk around a problem. They’ll start an argument and stomp out of the room when things skate too close to home and they’re in danger of revealing their vulnerabilities.
It’s the “big misunderstanding” scenario (aka, “BM,” which gets me giggling like a twelve-year-old every time I hear it!) that’s gotten such a bad rep lately – which, in my opinion, is rather undeserved. It completely disregards the fact that some men find talking about their feelings absolutely paralyzing.
Sure, in a perfect fictional world, our heroes would all be mature, well-adjusted individuals. They’d just yank up their boxers and do it. But, try as we might, normal human beings don’t always behave that way. Most of us don’t get to our mid-twenties (or thirties or forties) without at least one or two things in our past we’re not proud of. Things we might have put behind us, but which are still pretty damn painful to explain to someone else. Things that might make the one we love turn away from us – or at the very least, never look at us the same again.
“But,” I can hear you all saying, “that’s real life, not fiction!” To which I reply, “Why shouldn’t fiction reflect real life?” If the scenario and the characters don’t feel real to me, I can’t write them. (Which is probably why I like flawed characters so much, but that’s a topic for another time.) While I love the fantasy of an HEA as much as anyone, I can’t stand books where the black moment gets swept under the rug after a few pages and the characters carry on happily boinking, the end.
So calling this scenario a “misunderstanding” doesn’t work for me. Showing up for a date on the wrong night, or transposing a couple digits while writing down a phone number – those are misunderstandings. One’s partner walking out when he finds out about your past – that’s not a misunderstanding. It’s a serious issue that goes right to the heart of a relationship, and can only be conquered by both parties sitting down to face their fears together.
Which, in my experience, is something that rarely happens in real life, so it’s a good thing we have the fantasy.
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Cat’s most recent release is A Fool for You available through Ellora’s Cave.
Thanks for the interesting post Cat. I have to admit though, to me “Big misunderstanding” really is Big Misunderstanding. Sure, people may have trouble talking about secrets in their past, but how would you describe the situation where one partner walks on his guy talking with another guy in his home for example? And instead of asking who this guy is, he makes an assumption that this is his lover. Sorry, but not asking and walking out in this situation and spending YEARS apart because of that to me is a stupid misunderstanding and grasping at straws to create a conflict out of nowhere.
Now if in this hypothetical situation (sadly not so hypothetical), one of the guys had exlover and was having trouble discussing him with the guy he is with now, and conflict arose because of his inability to communicate, okay, maybe I could have swallowed it, but the first situation I hate, really cannot stand. Sorry, my frustration is not directed at you, but at this theme.
I just read a book for review with miniversion of big misunderstanding, where one character again could not ask a one question and after one minute conversation all unnecessary angst could have been avoided. I really wish writers would have abandoned this plot twist to create conflicts and create conflicts based on their characters’ personalities. I am not telling authors’ what to write of course, I am just saying that reading about this theme makes this reader super annoyed. Mainly because stupidity is one character trait that I cannot tolerate much.
Also just wanted to add that last time we discussed it here, it also seemed to me that gay men readers’ responses were that what writers perceive as their inability to communicate is a tad exaggerated and they really are able to talk to their partners. Of course it is not true for every man, but to make it such an overwhelming theme in gay romance for me got very old and very fast.
Thanks for commenting, Sirius. I don’t think I’ve ever read a m/m book where the characters stayed apart for YEARS after a disagreement. Obviously I don’t read as widely as most of you (with the constraints on my time, I’d rather spend it writing rather than reading), but yeah, I can see your point. That kind of scenario sounds entirely too silly and contrived.
Try reading Cameron Dane’s books. Not only do her protagonists stay apart for 10+ years but they have no sex with anyone. lol. She wrote a romance with a 300 year old vampire – shall I tell you what happened and how long they were apart?
She’s one of countless M/M authors who use this plot device and writers wonder why readers stop buying their books. 🙁
Wave, which one of Cameron Dane’s books are you referring to? I thought I had read all of hers and I don’t remember this one at all.
Hi Kiracee
Two books come to mind where the BM played a huge role:
Aiden and Ethan released by Liquid Silver and reviewed by Buda, where the protagonists had reached the age of 31 without having sex, with anyone. Here’s a quote from the review:
Here’s a link to the actual review
http://www.gayromance.org/2010/09/21/aidan-ethan/
The other book is Devlin & Garrick also released by Liquid Silver which I reviewed:
Here’s what I said, in part
Here’s a link to the review:
http://www.gayromance.org/2010/08/24/devlin-and-garrick/
I can’t remember the name of the one with the vampire off hand since I don’t recall reviewing it, but I could check.
Hope this helps.
Thanks, Wave. I have read both of those. I agree with you about Aidan and Ethan – the misunderstanding in that one made me long to whap both of them upside the head long before the story was finished. I didn’t think Devlin and Garrick was about a misunderstanding so much as secrets, since Garrick was an undercover cop.
The no-sex really made me giggle – somehow I missed that part altogether when I read those stories, perhaps because I was never a man, gay or otherwise, and even the young part was a long time ago. 🙂
Cameron Dane does tend to go over-the-top with lots of angst and when I’m in the mood for that I enjoy her stories very much. However, I can certainly understand why you would find that irritating.
I still can’t find any vampire books, though. Perhaps you were thinking about the Hawkins Ranch books, where the Hawkins brothers are demons.
Well, there you go. I’ve never read any of hers, and now I’m not sure I want to!
The thing is Cat, there’s a large percentage of M/M authors who use this plot device because they are too lazy. I believe I mentioned this to you before.
Here’s what one author said in an interview that will be posted on Wednesday:
“as soon as I started putting two (or three) guys together on the page, I was hooked. I think part of it has to do with being raised in our delightfully progressive culture that still acts like men are sex-obsessed creatures who not only can’t talk about feelings, but lack those feelings altogether. Writing about two men falling in love means exploring something we as a society tend to brush off as non-existent, when it’s just as intense and beautiful as a man and a woman falling in love.”
In terms of RL I can’t recall any of the men with whom I have had relationships who refused to talk about a disagreement or an issue before it blew up into a major hissy fit. This is not generational because I’m definitely not talking about 20/30/40 year old men. Perhaps I was just lucky. 🙂
Wave, this is in reply to your reply to me. I tried to answer directly, but for some reason I couldn’t.
Like I said in my article, this is all based on my own personal experience, and YMMV. Although I believe we did concede (in our email exchange when I submitted this article) that there may be a bit of a difference between American and Canadian men.
Or maybe I just happened to be married to an exceptionally bull-headed guy. 🙂
Well, those books are definitely and unfortunately not the product of my imagination 🙂 I would prefer not to provide the names here, but if you want to have a go at them, I am more than happy to email you some names.
“I just read a book for review with miniversion of big misunderstanding, where one character again could not ask a one question and after one minute conversation all unnecessary angst could have been avoided.”
Sirius, right! That’s just lazy writing.
I am very fond of Ava March’s three “Bound” books, and one of the reasons is that do not have Big Misunderstandings, they have genuine conflicts, which they manage to gradually work through over the course of the books. The dramatic tension is maintained, and the characters – eventually – make some substantial changes in themselves and their relationship which lead to a final HEA.
I agree about Ava March’s books GR (and many other writers too). Again, if we are talking about discovering genuine secrets of the characters’ past here, which one guy could have been told earlier, but did not, thats one thing. But if the writer makes them spend years apart because on mishearing, misunderstanding a sentence, mistaking one person for another without ASKING first, oy I have no patience for that. Even on the smaller scale I have no patience for such misunderstandings. Now, if say misunderstanding happened and they decide to work it out within the reasonable framework of time, ok, sure it could be done well. I loved how it was done in Overdrive by Ariel Tachna for example, that characters actually were smart enough to do that even though it was not exactly misunderstanding, just communications breakout. Character who cannot communicate can be done really well, provided reasons are given for that of course, but Misunderstanding is a differrent animal for me.
I have to agree with Sirius on this one. The Big Misunderstanding that I can’t stand is a simple misunderstanding or assumption that creates a huge conflict out of nothing and can be resolved with a few words.
A conflict based on different needs, different expectations, different viewpoints – that’s not misunderstanding (although misunderstanding can be involved). In this case, the misunderstanding can be exposed by a conversation, but the underlying conflict will need some real work to resolve.
I can totally buy the two bull-headed men who can’t talk about feelings, but when they finally do talk, it has to be painful, difficult, and exhausting or it’s out of character (IMO). If the conversation is easy, there was no real reason for them not to talk 300 pages ago.
And I also see indications that men both gay and straight find it easier to be open about their feelings now than men did 20 or 30 years ago. Of course, that is a generalization – there are plenty of exceptions. Gay men are individuals, just like everybody else.
Oh, I can definitely see this as being a generational thing. Keep in mind that most men of my generation (I was born in 1960) grew up before the women’s movement had shaken up American society and produced widespread change in people’s attitudes toward relationships and communication. Young men growing up nowadays don’t seem to have the “I must FIX this!” attitude programmed into them practically from birth – thank God!
You said it far better than I ever could kiracee. Thank you. I mean, conflict based on miscommunication could be very interesting if well done. However conflict based on: you reading a letter and ASSUMING that the letter is from your boyfriend’s ex whom he still has feelings for, based on you misunderstanding the phone conversation and not asking what the heck it was about to me is not a real conflict.
And as I said some mini misunderstandings annoy me no less. How about assuming that the man you are interested in is straight? And this assumption is based on well, pretty much nothing and all signs to the contrary are staring you at the face and for almost two months you cannot bring yourself to ask the question why exactly? I still do not know why and neither do I know why the other guy would not want to say nothing, all I know that both of them looked like such silly idiots to me. Oh how about assuming that the man you are interested in is vacationing with his wife? I mean this is not a communication problem to me, this is a problem of character being stupid as far as I am concerned. He could have asked ONE question, which sounds something like “Is this woman your wife?”. Instead author subjected me to SEVERAL the most ridiculously ambigious conversations where this woman is described as somebody who could indeed be the other guy’s wife. Mind you NEVER he asked the question directly, ever. I see this as “fake” conflict, when it could have been avoided so easily. Sorry, I can rant and rant on this topic, I do apologize Cat 🙂
Now, lets take the book where I thought the conflict which was partially based on incomplete communication was done very well. “The only gold” by Tamara Allen. Sorry guys, I cannot help myself that I love her works so much and bring the examples from her work so often. Reiss by nature of the plot has a secret which he cannot share with Jonah. He may have wanted to share, but he indeed cannot do that till the story pretty much ends. However, even though he is constrained by nature of that secret and cannot be fully honest, he still goes overboard with his teasing, half mock/ half real criticizing of Jonah, even though I hope he understood he was being way too mean. It was really interesting for me to reread the book when I knew where they stand and to see how Reiss struggles to communicate being a decent person he is and at the same time keeping his secret AND trying to force Jonah out of his not very communicative self. And how Jonah’s communication skills grow and change and how their attraction grows despite incomplete communication and their understanding of each other sort of transcends the incomplete communication.
So, I think communication and miscommunication can be a terrific instigator for the conflict, but not when characters are just being silly if that makes sense.
Interesting post.
Here are :my2cents:
IMO each reader has to define a BM by themselves.
For me hiding one’s past and refusing to talk about it isn’t a BM. Conflict between the MC’s as a result of their pasts biting them in the ass (and neither one having a clue about the other’s past (issues)) isn’t a BM.
However, coming to the wrong conclusion about you partner/the situation you find him in etc. and then storming out the door without talking and subjecting the reader to 100 odd pages of unnecessary angst and a mix of woe is me and righteous indignation from the MC’s IS a BM. (And it’s something I relate to chick-lit heroines :wallbash: ).
So yeah, a man acting like he has the worst case of PMS imaginable is a huge disappointment when it finds it’s way into a book I’m reading.
I’d sooner buy this idea
:strike: :boxing: :drinkin: :sex4: :love2:
So, while I agree with this
“…I can’t stand books where the black moment gets swept under the rug after a few pages and the characters carry on happily boinking, the end.”
I also agree with what Sirius said.
For me pretending the problem doesn’t exist is a no-no, but an even bigger no-no are hissy fits.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that while I don’t expect the MC’s to pour their hearts out 30 seconds into the conversation, or even that one conversation will solve all their problems, I DO expect there to be at least an attempt at a conversation. And a two sided conversation at that.
I guess I just don’t buy the idea that men are genetically incapable of talking to each other. Actually, I have a feeling maybe the idea leaked over form m/f romance and the many conversations where HE should know what SHE wants without her saying anything, because if he loves her and listens to her he should know it all already. At which point I usually decide she’s and idiot and he should dump her.
“Genetically incapable” – no! Programmed by society – yeah. Although as I mentioned above, it does tend to be more of a generational thing. Younger men don’t appear to have this problem.
Characters having hissy fits or male PMS will turn a book into a wall-banger for me pretty damn quick. As I also mentioned in a previous comment, I obviously don’t read as widely in the genre as the rest of you do. But male characters behaving like pissy little high school girls strikes me as annoying and cliched, which is just plain lazy writing.
Thanks Cat!
personally, I just don’t enjoy the angst caused by nothing. It is hard to care enough to keep reading. If they are going to explode over nothing then— what…ever.
Sean Kennedy used a BM in T and D, but it was mainly caused by the stress of being an “out” couple in the media and it didn’t last too long. They also learned from it and had some self-depricating humor thown it too!!!!!!!
So, it can be used but it needs to be interesting and, please, :god: not last TOO MANY PAGES!!!! :curse: :escape:
Personally, I HATE writing the black moment. I don’t like breaking up my boys! I don’t understand why any author would keep their characters apart for dozens or even hundreds of pages. Once I break ’em up, I can’t wait to get them back together again. I love my happy endings, yo! 🙂
You know Reggie, I used to wonder sometimes why BM in Tigers and Devils did not bother me at all, I mean I love the characters, I love the books, but it was still THAT plot device. I think you nailed it, I think even misunderstanding in this book grew organically out of what was happening to those guys and I can buy them being so tired and not able to think straight that they were ready to jump to wrong conclusion. Thank you Reggie, you solved the mystery for me 🙂
Hi, Cat! Interesting blog. I always find it interesting in discussions like this how emotions and emotional outbursts are always negatively associated with women and femininity. I like the Big Misunderstanding, myself, but then I started reading romance in the late 70s, and that’s a long-standing convention from that era…
Which is probably why I stopped reading traditional m/f romance a long time ago. I got tired of its reliance on tired old cliches, and making the female characters into whiny bitches I wanted to slap into next week.
Yes! And Yes, again!
Although, I found men who were always right and women who were always wrong just as infuriating.
Cat, I am sorry, I promise I will shut up after this response 🙂 (unless I will be tempted by some interesting response again lol). To me it is not even the negativity of the emotional outburst, it is again the character looking stupid. I can totally buy if the man comes home tired after work for example, exhausted, stressed out and assumes that the man his lover is talking with is somebody his lover having affair with. Okay, maybe I will still be stretching, but what I am saying is that I can get if he will snap, storm out, BUT here is what I will not get no matter what. Especially if this is long term relationship, please do not tell me that he will not cool off enough to come back home and talk to his partner or husband. Because throwing long term relationship away because of something you are not sure of, is a stupidity for me, complete stupidity. If this is indeed a secret affair, a blast from the past, whatever, I can see this being a long term conflict, if well done, BUT not if break up occurs before the conversation. Hopefully I am making sense now and I am going to try to shut up and go away 🙂
I suppose that communication issue is where I really deviate from m/m and m/f fiction. My characters don’t have any trouble communicating, usually. On that front, they behave more like women. When I really go going with my writing, I found yaoi and that works out really well for me. Thank for this post though! I think it helped me clarify my goals.
Glad I could help. 🙂
Oops! That last comment was supposed to be in reply to Faith’s comment.
Sorry! Just typed “The End” on a new book today. My poor old brain’s TIIIRED!
Thanks to everyone who joined in the discussion. It’s been educational. 🙂
Cat has a point, though. I have been married for 35 years to a man who will rarely even admit that he has feelings, much less talk about them. So to the author who hadn’t had “relationships who refused to talk about a disagreement or an issue” – yeah, you were just lucky.
While I dislike books based on a stupid misunderstanding, a character’s inability to discuss his feelings can be a legitimate source of conflict if done well.
Thanks, Cat. You made me think today, and that is always a good thing. 😀
What everyone else has said. I only label a book “Big Misunderstanding” if it continually stops conversations short of the one question that would resolve everything, in the interests of the author making wordcount.
Sometimes, getting my characters to talk is the tough part. Sometimes they will babble about everything except what is bothering them. A few are pretty direct, and some are so out of touch with their feelings they don’t even have the vocabulary.
But real men and feelings? I’m the wrong person to talk to about that today. (I’m having a lesbian separatist commune kind of weekend,between family, coven and politics)
The boys these days may be willing to talk about their feelings, but they don’t seem willing to act on them beyond having sex. They aren’t interested in financially helping their partners, respecting their partners’ work, or even showing up for a homecooked meal, preferring instead to play videogames alone. This, according to my daughter, is the new norm. Everyone for zirself and orgasms for all, but only fellatio. Blech.
Like Angelia, I feel like Big Misunderstanding plots require arbitrary delays and distractions that prevent understanding. It’s an issue of plot not character.
Characters misunderstand each other all the time, like people. But the Big Misunderstanding is a plot device used to inroduce friction and delay happiness… one word misconstrued for 10 years, a shocking tableaus misread by a voyeur, a conversation stopping short (over and over) without saying the six-word sentence that would undo the Misunderstanding. THOSE are the stories that drive me batty. The hand of the author artificially deraiuling clarity in order to spin complications out for page count. Guh.
The thing is, as Cat says, I know that men are oblique and inarticulate often. I am a man, I have had relationships with men for more years than it is legal for me to have done so. Guys deflect and dodge and deny but those ACTIONS are MOTIVATED! The “Big Misunderstanding” plot (as I understand it) is unmotivated because it is mechanical and plot-based. The author intrudes like capital F-Fate (as in “fuck you Logic, it happens because I said so!”)
As long as actions are motivated, stakes escalate, and characters cohere, I’ll believe anything. But the minute you glop a bunch of accidental sneezes, unlucky snapshots, and misreported eavesdropping from characters who won’t venture a question that THEY’RE dying to have answered… I know we’re in Hackville in the sovereign nation of Hackland.
The thing is, if the characters won’t take the time to clear up important questions, they obviously aren’t important, so the impact on stakes or resolution is nil to negative. BUt if a character AVOIDS clarity for emotional or situational reasons… they’re just doing what people are doing all around the world right now as I type this. 😀 THOSE are the Big Misunderstandings I want… the bitter longing, dark secrets, empty promises, the impotent rage, the shamed desire upon which nations are built and lives are ruined. That’s the stuff of every drama worth watching.
So well said Damon,
“The author intrudes like capital F-Fate (as in “fuck you Logic, it happens because I said so!”)”.
Definitely as long as characters’ actions are motivated I can believe a lot of things.
I mentioned upthread being incredibly annoyed at the story where character was DYING to know whether the other guy is straight or not and that guy was dropping hints like crazy. Do not ask why he just did not come out and said, hey I am gay. I still do not know the answer to that. But being out and proud at work, he brought the other guy to his friends and colleagues almost all of whom were gay, did other stuff. And the other guy instead was chatting like a mantra that his love interest is straight. No clue what his conviction was based on, still get annoyed every time I remember that one.
Now, believe it or not, had you not posted here, I was tempted to bring your book up anyway, so praise alert ahead 🙂
See, in that story I was doing a headdesk after character doing it for two months.
I bought your Griff not talking to Dante for years, just bought it, period. Even though the very same storyline could have caused a huge annoyance for me, because really decade is a lot of time. I know some of my buddies who loved the book otherwise even thought that it was too much of not talking and I totally get where they are comin from. I never ever felt it was to long just based on who Griff was as character, it felt IN CHARACTER for him.
Hi Damon
Wordcount – that’s why they do it and it drives me crazy. Why don’t authors see how stupid this plot device is?
Once I realize that an author does this on a regular basis as a strategy, I stop reading her books. I can’t stand the aggravation and my time and money are too valuable. I refuse to pander to her machinations. 🙁