Call me Imelda Marcos, call me Marie Antoinette, but please don’t call me late for a shoe sale.
I’m crazy about shoes in general—colorful sneakers, boots of all lengths and styles, sandals, moccasins, even flip-flops—but I’m totally obsessed with high heels, specifically stilettos.
There, I said it.
Before you start laughing, let’s take a trip in my top-secret time machine that will be provided by CERN at some point in the future (if they didn’t, it would cause a world-ending paradox but I don’t have time to explain that right now—just trust me on this one) to see where this enduring fashion trend originated.
When the smoke clears and the doors open, we step out of the time machine to find the person largely responsible for my footwear obsession. And guess what?
IT’S A GUY.
It’s the year 1701, and I’d like you meet His Majesty, King Louis XIV of France. Check out those gams!
Ooh-la-la!
Now, shoes with heels had already appeared as far back in time as Ancient Egypt, thousands of years before King Lou’s era. However, only the upper class in Egypt wore shoes at all, and they were ugly (meaning the shoes, as I can’t personally vouch for the aesthetic qualities of your average Ancient Egyptian).
Wedges? What were they thinking?
Wedge heels, seriously? Those wedge-heeled monstrosities were hideous in the age of the pharaohs and haven’t looked any better in the umpteen times that designers of questionable taste have attempted to resurrect the style. The only common thread between those travesties of footwear and Lou’s kicky shoes is the primary reason for wearing them.
To put it plainly, the great pharaohs weren’t exactly statuesque (which partly explains the tendency toward overcompensation in their statuary), and neither was Lou.
Back to King Louis XIV. What he lacked in height, the man made up for with an impeccable sense of style. The shoes he commissioned weren’t butt-ugly wedges, but intricate works of art with proper heels that ranged anywhere from two to five inches tall. At one point in the early part of his reign, Louis decreed that only members of the nobility could wear shoes with red heels, and that no one could wear heels higher than his. An egotistical fussbudget, for sure, but I’ll grant him some leeway because of the awesome shoes.
Into the time machine we go again, but only for a short trip, and once again we’re in 18th-century France. Marie Antoinette, surely one of the earliest documented shopaholics/hoarders, the affliction contributing to both the French Revolution and her own untimely demise. In the autumn of 1793, while her people were desperate and starving in the streets, Marie had over five hundred pairs of custom-designed high-heeled shoes cluttering her royal closet.
Personally, I don’t think Marie Antoinette actually said, “Let them eat cake!” when she was told the peasants had no bread. I think it was much more likely that she said, “Let them wear Manolo Blahnik!”
Alas, Marie lost her pretty head over her out-of-control shoe fetish. Worse still, the new regime banned high-heeled shoes because of Marie’s excesses.
Consider that a serious warning from history.
Holy cow, I need to get this time machine back to CERN. Do you have any idea what the hourly rental on a superconducting electromagnetic high-energy particle-accelerator costs? Well, it’s a lot, so we’ll need to skip some stops. Maybe next time we’ll visit the can-can courtesans of the Moulin Rouge in Paris and the bangtails of London’s Whitechapel distric, both in the late 19th century. That’s when the high-heeled shoe went from being the footwear of the wealthy, “well-heeled” aristocratic to the preferred shoe of the Naughty Bad Girl™.
Hold on tight; we’re making a brief stop in 1943 to wave hello to an American pin-up girl, Betty Grable, and I’m not quite used to these brakes yet. Now these are starting to look more like the shoes in my closet. More on that topic soon. 😀
We’ll bypass the Playboy Bunny era, mostly because the new television show sucks and I don’t want to give them any extra press. :yuck:
The sixties brought us barefooted hippies and ugly, basket-weave espadrilles. If those styles ever come back into fashion at the same, I’m sticking with the bare feet.
The 1970s. Oy gevalt. The only people who could get away with wearing those heinous platform shoes were the members of KISS, and they wore heavy theatrical makeup so people wouldn’t recognize them in public.
See?
The 1980s were so forgettable shoe-wise that there’s not even a setting on the time machine for that decade, and the 1990s weren’t much better until the very end when Carrie Bradshaw and Sex and the City saved the designer shoe industry.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Carrie!
Damn, look at that supercollider meter! I need to speed this along. You’re now probably asking what does any of this have to do with men.
Here, allow me to explain.
For heterosexual men, watching a woman walk while she’s wearing a pair of sexy stilettos is a sporting event second only in importance to the World Series, the Stanley Cup, and the Super Bowl, but accompanied by less beer and a more instantaneous erection (generally speaking—as with everything, I’m sure there are exceptions).
When a woman wears a pair of tall stilettos, it forces her shoulders back, which in turn thrusts her boobies out, lifts her butt up, and tightens her calf muscles into balled-up, sexy knots. There are only about a quadrillion pictures of this on the Internet, so I won’t take up Wave’s storage space to post an example. Just Google “high heels” and “posture” for pictures (and, no doubt, some horror stories).
Now, when a guy wears a pair of five- or six-inch stilettos, it has much the same effect, only with smaller boobies and an entirely different set of voyeuristic men (generally speaking—as with everything, I’m sure there are exceptions). Here’s a link to a lovely (possibly not-safe-for-work in your location) video example of men strutting in stilettos for your enjoyment, following an annoying 15-second commercial. It’s my pleasure to introduce the beautiful, talented boys of Kazaky. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
You’re back! Good stuff, right?
By the way, I’m pleased to inform you that I got my deposit back on the time machine, so thanks for not writing any graffiti on the interior walls. 🙂
How did you like Kazaky? I was so excited after I watched that video for the first time that I had to run out immediately to buy a new pair of shoes. These shoes.
Behold, the Komet by Brash.
While Reno was trying on sensible shoes to wear to a friend’s wedding, I was giving walking lessons in those. 😎
I think that about wraps things up for this trip. See you next time! :wave:
–Jaye
MacLeod & Valentine: Shameless Self-Promotion
I’m afraid I’m the anti-girl. When I walk into a shoe store, this is the wall I head for. Boys, girls, all ages, give me a boy in sneakers and I’m all swoony. Give me a cute girl in sneakers and I’m admirable. I get away with sneakers at work far more than I probably should. I’m wearing them right now. Red of course.
Sometimes I like the concept of heels, but after wearing a pair for about 2.5 min. my love fades, fast, and I’m on the look-out for my red Chucks. Boys in heels have even less appeal for me. What can I say, I grew up on a farm. 🙂
A world without different kinds of people would be an awfully dull place. 🙂
Damn, that was quite the video. I’m not wearing heels now but damn if I don’t want to go put some on.
Ok, I’ve come to accept that I totally have a thing for guys that can pull off wearing heels. I just wish there were more stories about them or I knew guys IRL that wore them.
So, inquiring minds want to know: did you wear those shoes to the wedding? 🙂
I didn’t go to the wedding. Even if I had, I would have dressed conservatively. Unlike some of my characters, wearing girly things isn’t a lifestyle for me, it’s a more of a hobby.
I’m glad you enjoyed the video. Kazaky has become quite the rage in the European fashion scene, especially with certain designers like DSquared. You should visit YouTube and search for some of the runway shows where Kazaky performed as sort of an opening act to start the show. Rawr. :pant:
What a wonderful, witty, entertaining, educating post. And what an awesome idea to make it a topic on Jessewave reviews! Of course high heels have almost every woman excited and a lot of men too – for very different reasons as you have so eloquently explained – and going on that shoe-related time travel with you was so much fun. But why did we have to stop the interesting journey so abruptly after just a little glimpse at what is inside your own shoe closet?
We want numbers and information about your favorite pairs of heels and when you started to wear and collect them. And I want to know what size you wear and if you really got the Komets in blue, or in black or animal print instead. Greedy high heel fetishists like me really want to know the little details.
And we definitely need more high heel wearing boys in books. Can you write a few more, please? 🙂
I’m glad you enjoyed my trip back in time. Maybe after we remodel the bedroom this winter, I’ll take a picture of my shoe collection. 😀
Of course, there are more heel-wearing boys on the horizon in our books! Reno I started a novel almost two years ago that features a cross-dressing man. We’re hoping to get back to that one some time in 2012 after we finish some other in-progress works more vocally demanding our attention.
I am in awe of anyone, male or female, who can walk in heels higher than 1″ without nearly breaking an ankle. Needless to say, I am NOT one of them. I have a collection of them that I Just Can’t Wear…*sigh*
It takes practice, that’s for sure. Like my buddy King Louis XIV and the Egyptian pharaohs, I’m not the tallest dude on the planet, so I started wearing them (in stealth at first, of course) at a relatively young age.
The highest heels I ever wore were a pair of black, patent leather “pointe shoe” ankle boots for a huge fetish event some years ago. Those boots were not made for walkin’, let me tell you. 😮 I prefer 5-inch stiletto heels, and I can wear 6-inchers with no problem, but 8 inches was insane. I spent a great portion of the dungeon party leaning against walls and/or people. I wasn’t “allowed” to sit, and the only time I could take the boots off was for play. I volunteered to bottom a lot that night. 😆
Ooooh I love me some heels and some guys can definitely rock them (cue that video) :forit: unfortunately my back doesn’t like them on me, but hey one doesn’t have to actually walk in them to enjoy them 😉
I’m with Anja, Jaye – more details on your collection!
More details forthcoming. 😉
I remember reading a news report two or three years ago about some European study (Italian, maybe?), which suggested that women who wear at least a 2-inch heel on a regular basis have stronger muscles, umm, down there than women who mostly wear flats. I can just imagine that conversation . . .
Wife: *excited* Honey, my gynecologist told me that I don’t need to do Kegels anymore!
Husband: *leans to the right because Wife is blocking the plasma TV and this is a pivotal game, for God’s sake* That’s nice, dear.
Wife: *moves to better block the TV* Yes, she said a new method has been discovered for improving the tone of my pelvic-floor muscles. NO MORE KEGELS FOR ME!
Husband: *leans to the left* *grunts*
Wife: *hands on hips* Don’t you want to know what the new method is where I don’t have to count and pretend that I’m trying to stop peeing for fifteen minutes straight every day?
Husband: *can still see the big game, so he’s happy* Whatever you say, dear.
Wife: The doctor says all I have to do is wear high heels every day. Isn’t that awesome?
Husband: *stands up and pumps fist at the awesome touchdown or home run or goal in progress* Yes, yes, yes!
Wife: *smiles at him and claps* See, I knew you’d be as thrilled about this as I am! It’s ultimately for you, after all. And so I won’t tinkle a little every time I cough or sneeze in another twenty years or so. I’m going to
DSW now, honey! See you later! *dashes out*
Husband: *drops back down to the sofa, still trembling* God, what a play!
Nine hours later . . . .
Male Teenage Offspring: *plops on couch* I’m hungry.
Husband/Father: *looks at wristwatch and frowns* No wonder. Dinner should have been ready four hours ago. Where’s your mother?
Male Teenage Offspring: *shrugs* She grabbed the For Major Appliance Emergencies Only credit card out of the fireproof box and babbled something to me on her way out the door about her doctor saying she had to buy shoes. Can we order a pizza?
Husband/Father: *thinks back to earlier conversation and recalls something about a keg* *scratches his head* I thought she was just making a beer run.
😀
More details forthcoming. 😉
I remember reading a news report two or three years ago about some European study (Italian, maybe?), which suggested that women who wear at least a 2-inch heel on a regular basis have stronger muscles, umm, down there than women who mostly wear flats. I can just imagine that conversation . . .
Apparently, I’ll have to post that imaginary conversation elsewhere because WordPress hates me this weekend. :curse:
I officially hate WordPress. And now it has me talking to myself. :wallbash:
Love it, Jaye! I’m right there with you and hells yeah my ass and legs look SO FINE when I strut around in these babies 😀
I had a feeling you would enjoy this post. 😉 Thanks for stopping by, Thorny!
Thorny,
Oh, yeah? Got photos to share with the group?
MMmm, that tight guy butt in those heels. Yummy
I know it’s not to everyone’s taste, but I like it! :hurrah:
I just returned and behold! Your homage to high heels. Are you going to charge me for all the research you had to do? 😆
Awesome post Jaye.
I never owned a pair of Manolo Blahniks but the Comet looks like me. I would love to borrow a pair in sizded 8 if you wouldn’t mind sharing. :god: :wave:
Are you going to charge me for all the research you had to do?
Don’t dock me for posting so late, and we’ll call it even. 😀
The Komets aren’t Manolo Blahniks, they’re Brash by Payless, believe it or not. Best $35 USD I’ve ever spent on shoes. They’re gorgeous (they don’t look or feel like an inexpensive shoe), well constructed, the size is true, and OMG they are so comfortable. The heels are 5-inches, but with the 1.5 inch platform that’s only a net lift of 3.5 inches so you could totally dance the night away in these. The shoe come in several different colors and materials: the blue ones and black ones are man-made suede, the tan is faux patent leather, the gold is textured glitter, and the style with the leopard-print upper and red platform/heel is a combination of faux fur and the fake patent leather.
http://www.payless.com/store/product/detail.jsp?catId=cat10088&subCatId=cat10270&skuId=089384080&productId=69861&lotId=089384&category=&catdisplayName=Womens
I WANT THEM ALL AND I WANT THEM NOW! 😆
I never bought Payless shoes because I always heard they were hard, and not in a good way. 😮 However the Comet is incredibly sexy, even the tan short boot looks great.
Where would YOU ever wear the comet, except in bed with Reno???? 😕
I am 6′ tall. I don’t wear heels if I can help it. My favorite shoes are a pair of Earth Shoe sandals with sensible straps across the ball of my foot, the arch and around my heel. My good boots have about an inch of heel. I don’t think I own anything with more than an inch.
My husband has a pair of 4″ heels. He literally cannot walk in them without hanging on to me. But I’m the butch and will always help my girl to the car or the table. And he makes a…well, Erika was lovely in our 20s, now she’s kind of middle-aged and frumpy like me. She prefers to borrow my flats.
My daughter owns a pair of 5″ heels and a pair of 7″. She’s a stripper and young enough not to fracture everything when she falls off of them.
I’m all about the boots. (I blame George Lucas) Tall, shiny jackboots, to the knee. Taller, shinier pirate boots, to the thigh. Sexy little ankle boots. My other drag girlfriend wore ankle boots when he was in street clothes. It was the 80s.
Very cool. 🙂
Short folks generally have an easier time adapting to high heels because of the way they slouch as opposed to how tall people slouch. Taller people tend to naturally relax their posture by slumping their shoulders forward and tilting their pelvis back, whereas shorter people tend more toward dropping their shoulders back and tilting their pelvis forward. The former makes it much more difficult to walk in high heels, and the latter actually makes it easier. So, if all you tall people slouch like short people, you’ll be fine. 😀
Angelia, your daughter might like those Komets in my post for her dancing. They’re by far the most comfortable 5-inch heels I’ve ever owned, and I’ve owned a truckload of ’em.
I don’t slouch, actually. I have an almost militarily rigid posture. Which does not contribute to being able to lean the right way for heels at all.
I so need to get Mudd back into drag. He has long gorgeous legs that look fabulous in stockings and heels. I tried talking him into coming to OutLanta Con as Erika, but his work won’t accommodate.
First off Imelda,
Only you–yes only you could include both a history lesson and a soft core porn-like video in the same post–you are amazing–and RENO–he’s worth every cent of those Manolo Blahniks–as I’m sure I don’t have to tell you!
Secondly, I am quite impressed –not only by the CERN references, but the history–you are quite the buff—watch it–I’m talking brains not brawn here! You are not just a pretty little thing in high heels–of course, your incredible writing skills tipped us off long ago about that fact!
Lastly, I have two words for you Bill Kaulitz (Lead singer for Tokio Hotel–no I am not a bad speller, the band is called Tokio not Tokyo–no doubt Japan copyrighted that some time ago!) It’s your turn to look–go ahead, I’ll wait–Reno–you may want to step out of the room for a bit–just sayin’–don’t say you weren’t warned! The squeals could get a little loud!
http://www.last.fm/music/Tokio+Hotel/_/World+Behind+My+Wall
If this link didn’t work just plug in World behind my wall video on youtube–trust me it’s worth it.
There–now I hope you enjoyed that little gift. We certainly enjoy you!
You are a funny man–thanks for the post!
Heh. Yeah, we’re well acquainted with Mr. Kaulitz. One word: TWINS. 😈
It was a picture of Bill that served as my inspiration for the D.N.A.: Double Helix story that I had originally written for a photograph challenge on Goodreads.
Thanks for all the kind words, Sammy, and I’m happy you enjoyed the post. :hurray2:
Those guys from Kazaky look better in stilleto’s then I ever will.
I do have heels but at high as those! 2,5″ max
I think what I love about Kazaky is their ability to wear those shoes and strut like that without looking either feminine or just plain silly. Rawr! :pant:
Great article, Jaye! High heels were made for men. Beautiful to behold, those long legs with defined musculature and tight little butts. Heidi Klum might as well march her ass around in Earth Shoes; she can’t hold a candle to the guys in that video.
Must stop now, before I rhapsodize. 😀
Oh Lord, don’t even get me started on Heidi. We were watching the latest episode of Project Runway last night, and I just wanted to reach through the television and give the woman a sandwich. She looks terrible right now, in my opinion. The guys in Kazaky are slender but nowhere near emaciated, with defined muscles as you mentioned. They look healthy to me, and Heidi looks sick. I hope she doesn’t have something going on. 🙁
I used to dance the night away in heels, but alas, now I am the person mostly likely to fall off my shoes and break myself. The Kazaky guys are amazing.
I give props to anyone who can wear those damn stilettos.
The video was so ssssexy. I watched another one of the guys doing a fashion show.”Hot”
You know they could be singing…”Kiss, Kiss my Ass” and it’d still be hot. Just keep strutting that beautiful body in those heels.
Thanks for broadening my horizon.