Title: Buy Link Paul Dot Go
Author: Robin Anderson
Cover Artist: unknown
Publisher: Nazca Plains
Buy Link: Buy Link Paul Dot Go
Genre: bizarro
Length: 200 pages
Rating: 1 star out of 5
A Guest Review by Cryselle
Review Summary: A poorly-written descent into the bizarre and revolting; best avoided.
Blurb
Meet WILLIAM (WAN.W) WANDSWORTH, portrait painter extraordinaire, whose diverse backgrounds for his carefully selected subjects (and to their cost) vary from a converted country barn, a startlingly ‘reinvented’ and ‘mechanised’ chrome and mirrored 14th century Italian castle, a refurbished Victorian candle factory and last but not quite least, an eerie cemetery where clandestine midnight assignations could and do go horribly wrong. Added to this bizarre palette is a vibrant clashing of cocks, personalities and multi talents when the larger-than-life artist crosses paintbrushes with the likes of ruthless interior designer HARRY HUMPHRIES and boy wonder pop idol TOMMY TYLER. Aiding and abetting WILLIAM in his determination to become ‘a legend in his own time’ is his hand-picked coterie comprising the sinister dwarf duo, PAUL and NELSON, the olfactory major domo SKIDS along with his bête noir, the rapacious RUFUS, plus the dark, dubious PRINCE ALBERT. An innocent victim caught up within the artist’s ruthless ambitions is the long-suffering MIC SANDFORD whose infatuation with the aforesaid HARRY sees situations ranging from loss of body parts and even a soul or two.
Prepare for a fast, twisted rollercoaster ride – part scenic and part terrifying – of jealousies, perversions and violent revenge but always within the presence of the darkest of humour. As with WILLIAM’S nemesis PAUL GAUGUIN – the original PAUL.GO – this reincarnation is an acquired taste; for some a feast of unsavoury delights and for others a banquet of despair.
Review
The road to hell is paved with good intentions: I was moved to read this book because of some misguided willingness to try an author unknown to me from a press I didn’t recognize. Further checking showed books from Lethe Press and Silver Publishing under Robin Anderson’s name, although it may not be the same person, and by the time I researched Nazca Plains, it was too late; I was committed to finish it. The blurb, seen in depth a second time, had all the clues to send me running; I plead not considering that bizarro fiction might be submitted for review here. Learn from my error.
The names in caps is a convention from query letters to agents; the blurb might have been ganked from such a letter, so I read on. The first fifty pages lull one into complacency: the story has a prologue that reads like a horror novel, and then backs up three years. The body of the story begins innocuously enough with a fey and talented interior decorator acquiring clients, discussing same with his clique of employees and hangers-on, and all of them drinking like fish. The dialog is very twee and self-congratulatory, as Harry and all think he’s the best thing to hit the inside of a house since paint was invented. Once Harry has a falling out with potential client William Wandsworth, returning his advance, the story descends into mass reshuffling of who sleeps with whom, an occasional who rapes what, and general acquisition of revenge in varied and vile ways. Wandsworth devotes the rest of the book to making sure none of the rest of the cast of thousands, aside from his loathsome sidekicks, is happy.
The plot is tissue thin and exists primarily to organize the assortment of despicable tricks and occasional bodily harm into a timeline. Wandsworth’s overblown sense of entitlement suggests he compare himself to Paul Gauguin, something not at all supported by the text aside from the peculiar method of signing paintings. He believes that it’s his right to spend years creating torment for everyone, something he’s willing to devote most of his time and fortune doing. There are aspects of the horror originally promised in the prologue, but they don’t maintain the promise and devolve into the merely horrible and somewhat ludicrous. The promised dark humor comes across as scatological: humor may be subjective but this created zero chuckles.
Characterization is slightly deeper; a few characters’ voices stand out, but most fall into the general morass of “those to be tormented.” The distinction is further blurred by a plethora of names beginning with “H” but keeping them sorted out was actually a moot point: I detested most of them. One or two, like Mic, were only unfortunate enough to have crossed paths with Wandsworth and his minions, and those I felt sorry for. Some of the characters do pair off into long-term couples, which unfortunately only makes them into bigger targets.
Style, sigh. Words do not mean what this writer thinks they do. An “olfactory major domo” turned out to be only odiferous; there are dozens of examples. Characters snigger, smirk, laugh, and camp their sentences rather than speak. By the time they finish “camping” their lines, it takes 2-3 pages to impart one tidbit of information. My copy was an ARC and may not have had a final currying, but extra words, typos, and absent commas did not improve the reading experience.
If the point of bizarro literature is to shock, it did. I waded through the musical beds, incest, shit-flinging, ear-severing and all, after another good long look at the blurb made me decide that I really had been warned, though I had not realized it at the time. “A feast of unsavoury delights” covers a lot of territory. This story, in any “I have not made promises to finish it unless something horrible and unwarned for crops up” scenario was a DNF even before page 84. That’s where the bestiality scene caused me to part ways with my lunch. The author may be satisfied that his work here is done.
Readers of Carlton Mellick III may possibly find something to like here; the rest of us should be reading something else.
Woot…I’ve been lucky enough to be scared off by the blurb. Don’t know if I should be happy to see my dire premonition affirmed by your review (which, I think, is certainly more entertaining to read than the book! 😀 ) Thanks for taking one for the team anyway!
Every now and then I take a big chance on a self-pubbed book, and that’s basically what Nazca Plains is. I thought, well, something new and different… Some have been good. This author obviously thought the book fit in well enough here to offer it. No. Just no.
I forgot to ask, is there a reason why there are so many freaking CAPS in the blurb? Bizarro indeed 😀
Best bet? It’s copied and pasted straight from the query (where CAPPING CHARACTER NAMES is often recommended). But even as a query, the blurb sucks.
I just realized that Cryselle mentioned it in her review. I really have to slow down when I read sometimes. Thanks.
I have to say, 98.5% of what I’ve read from that publisher is so dire I’m avoiding buying books from them like the plague.
They were totally new to me, and they’ve succeeded in curbing my risk taking a bit.
I’ve read some “tear your eyes out” awful things from them, so I would only have proceeded in a fully-armed tank.
Wave, do we have a community tank? Or do we have to buy our own?
We can use mine! 🙂
A Banquet of Despair indeed… 🙁
And though I’ve never before heard of Nazca Plains, they’re now forever linked with the phrase “musical beds, incest, shit-flinging, ear-severing and all” for the rest of time. I just hopped over for the five minutes of ironic hilarity offered by reading a list of their titles with the accompanying blurbs. Worth a trip, if you haven’t already…
Why-oh-why do people think typing is writing? These are the kinds of books that destroy new audiences by their very existence. Can you imagine what would happen if some unsuspecting purchaser at Amazon snapped this up for their Kindle? Gack. Puke.
Thanks for suffering through this one Crys so other people didn’t have to.
I really want to use the phrase “banquet of despair” now, though. 🙂 It has a certain ring…
I went over and looked, Damon. Now you owe me a drink…no, make it two.
I should have done that before getting to page 55, where something awful was hinted at, so I did a little search on the “oh no, he wouldn’t” theory, but oh yes, he did. “Musical beds, incest, shit-flinging, ear-severing and all” turned out to be the good part of the story.
The Kindle would burst into flames? “Delete file, reformat hard drive” did occur to me.
Cryselle, I was both amused and terrified by your review and I bow to your supreme courage. You certainly took one for the team. Thank you!
If I’d had the good sense to be scared off by the blurb, I wouldn’t have had to exercise the courage.
Great and very professional review of a book that sounds dreadful.
Thanks Cryselle.
Thank you. It would have been much easier to just snark, as some revenge for what was truly a scarring experience. I wish I could say I hadn’t been warned, but the signs were there to see, so I had to finish it.
No comment on the book, but I do wish to express my appreciation for this reviewer’s use of the word “twee,” which is highly underused and one of my favorites. :happydance:
Thank you!
Now I have to look up the meaning of the word twee. Don’t think I’ve ever used it in a sentence. 😆
I’m not sure of the word’s origin, but the following sums up the intent. :girl:
twee (adj. TWEE)
Merriam-Webster: affectedly or excessively dainty, delicate, cute, or quaint (such a theme might sound twee or corny — Times Literary Supplement )
Urban Dictionary: July 26, 2007 Urban Word of the Day — Something that is sweet, almost to the point of being sickeningly so. As a derogatory descriptive, it means something that is affectedly dainty or quaint, or is way too sentimental.
In American English it often refers to a type of simple sweet pop music, but in British English it is used much more widely for things that are nauseatingly cute or precious. It comes from the way the word “sweet” sounds when said in baby talk.
Thanks so much Jaye. Now I know why I never came across that word since I don’t do “sweet.” “Vicious” or similar words are more my style. 😀
Oh my goodness. Okay, another thanks here for taking one for the team, but I was so very entertained by your review that I have to say that it warrants additional thank you. “Words do not mean what this writer thinks they do” :bravo:
Oh, lovely. Just read their submission guidelines:
d. Reviews are important. You can get 5 stars on Amazon (where the chain store wholesale book buyers are watching) by immediately upon publication have five of your friends purchase the book from Amazon. It is absolutely worth your own investment in your book to offer to repay your friends for doing this. THEY must make the purchase, though, as only purchasers can post reviews. Once you have five different reviews posted you should see an increase in your sales. You can write these reviews yourself if you want to supply them to your friends (be careful that they don’t sound as though one person wrote them).
That’s a big red flag right there: tips on how to rig reviews.
Oookay, that does it. Never heard of this publisher before this review and any publisher who tells their authors to do this crap, well, I am just going to pretend I still never heard of them.
And you don’t get paid royalties for the first 200 copies sold. So I would guess you’d basically be writing for free there. Wow.
That blurb alone would have me running to the hills.
Thank you for the very informative review.
Crys
I did mention that I had never heard of this writer or the publisher when you requested the book. It could have been a diamond in the rough and I hope that this doesn’t put you off from exploring “where no man (or woman) has gone before. 🙂
Excellent review and I appreciate the restraint. 😮
So I went on Amazon to see if there are reviews there. There is one that praises the book as clever parody. Somehow I am not inclined to put much faith in that after reading the submission guidelines, but what shocked me is the prise – $12.95 for Kindle version. Ummm, this is how much I paid for Harry Dresden’s latest book.
@ Wave — thank you. You did warn me… Next time, I will do the checking before the request and not after I start reading, so I learned something.
@ Sirius — I saw that, and the review praising it came from someone with over 6000 product reviews clustered at the 5 and 3 marks.
@ Aleks — by next week there will be further advice on the pub site not to submit anywhere that is likely to produce an honest review.
6000 products, huh? I also feel that it is sometimes too easy to claim that something bizarre is really a parody and stoopid reader and/or reviewer just did not get it, you know? This is part of the reason why I do not particularly care for even real parody/satire, I have read some great books under that label, but more often than not I just run away from it, worrying that I would encounter some wierdness, which claims to be the parody of something. Also last time I checked parody/satire has to be *funny*. It may not envoke gentle laugh, but it still has to be funny. Somehow I doubt you were amused while reading this one 🙁
Had to check this out. Read five pages. My eyes are still burning. This is truly horrible.
So you didn’t believe Bryant. What do we have to do? Draw pictures??? 😆
:doh: LOL! Next time I’ll know to just hit the gas instead of slowing down to glance.
You know what, Crys? It’s cool that you are taking these chances. I’ve noticed that Kassa does too every now and then, as well as Tam and Jen at Brief Encounters. Continually turning the spotlight on the same authors or the current trendy-hot item, over and over again, doesn’t really do justice to a genre that’s expanding so rapidly.
Yeah, you’re bound to stumble over some clunkers. But you (or any adventurous reviewer) could also come upon another Cranberry Hush.
I’ll never forget Wave taking a chance on me when I first answered that mysterious call to m/m romance. So . . . thanks for your spirit of inquiry. 😉 It’s refreshing.
I noticed that Sirius just reviewed a self published book and thought it was a great story (Up Into the Night We Fly). So I won’t give up, and I do make it a point to read authors that I haven’t tried before. I’m reading another author’s first novel now.
Looking at the Goodreads listing for this author name, there are at least two, possibly more, people writing under this name, and the others should be scrambling for disambiguation, because the guy who writes about popes does not want this on his profile. 😯
KZ
It’s always a risk to try new authors because we don’t know what we’ll get, but every author was once new so it’s up to readers to support “new to me” authors until they prove unworthy.
In this case the author wrote me and asked if we would review her book. Unfortunately Paul Dot Go proved to be in the category that we probably won’t try again. 🙁 But one book won’t stop us from supporting new M/M authors.
Even the blurb is scary! I’ll stay far far far away from this one.
12.95? That is waaaaaaay too expensive for an ebook!