Greetings one and all! Despite what Wave has likely told you, I’m thrilled to be back on the site spewing my very own special words of wisdom. Sigh…I do love
to spew. While grappling with what topic I wanted to discuss with you guys today, I considered many things. Some of them even more serious in nature, like about writing and stuff. But after much soul searching and careful consideration, I came to the realization there were already plenty of great writers who frequent the hallowed halls of Jessewave who already do that sort of thing for you and way better than I ever could. I therefore decided to stick with what I know…tacky dick jokes and bawdy humor… at my own expense if necessary. With that in mind, I went to something old that’s kinda new again, at least for me.
Yes, yes, for once the rumors are true, after a very long sabbatical from making any attempt to date or be dated or anything in between, I recently decided to dip my toe back into the murky waters. I’m not sure if it’s a decision completely fueled by an actual desire to meet a man and fall in love, or more selfishly to fuel the fodder for my future fiction. Don’t be giving me that withering stare of disapproval. The muse can be a fickle bitch…it never hurts to have a little back-up, people. 😀 If I find a husband along the way…bonus! That doesn’t mean I’ve taken to bar hoping or any such nonsense – I spent 10 years working as a bartender…lord knows I’ve seen all there is to see with regard to that…and if I haven’t god help us all, ‘cause I’d rather not.
Don’t misunderstand me, it’s not that I didn’t enjoy my time slinging drinks in a gay bar, but certain things tend to become an annoyance after so long. For instance, you probably didn’t know that there’s apparently no such thing as an innocent smile in a gay bar. Intent be dammed, in Homo-land, the bar smile becomes automatically downgraded to nothing more than a guy workin’ it for some cock – even for the guys working in the bar. In any other hospitality or service setting, you’re trained to be friendly and treat others to a flash of those pearly whites. In a gay bar that’s cruising. It explains why so many gay men who tend bar often seem so surly. Every time they smile at someone it can be perceived as a come-on. Some work that angle quite nicely, while others just can’t deal – hence Mr. Sourpuss serving up your Amaretto Sours.
It’s sad how bartenders as a species, are typically considered to be of loose moral character, which is somewhat unfair. Hello – whatever happened to that whole innocent until proven guilty stuff? I mean really…it has more to do with opportunity and access than anything else. What would you want to do after spending the night watching other people drink and have a good time? The same thing, probably. Unfortunately, since most of the people are already drunk by the time your friendly neighborhood bartender gets off work – and we all know drunk people are annoying unless you are as well – it’s only natural for any bartender to want to stick something in their mouths to shut them up. See…it all makes complete and total sense now, right? Bartenders are like superheroes, saving the world from blabbering drunkards one blowjob at a time.
Of course there are other ways to meet guys these days. In addition to taking a cruise down to your local pub in hopes of reeling in the catch of the day, there’s also the amazingly varied and uniquely bizarro world of online chatting/dating/hooking up. I mean seriously…name one other occasion where people choose something THAT important based on so little intel? Winning the mega jackpot doesn’t seem quite so unrealistic in comparison, does it?
One thing that hasn’t changed and still never ceases to amaze me about online chatting, are the profiles. You probably think I’m getting ready to start waxing snarkastic about penis size and waistlines…but I’m not. Only an idiot would expect information provided by a man about himself to be 100% accurate.
When it comes to the inaccuracy of penis size, I blame two things…navigation and auto makers. Centuries of readings maps – where an inch long line is supposed to equal a mile? Then there are those pesky passenger side mirrors where objects appear closer than they really are. It’s no wonder dudes can’t manage any semblance of precision when describing stuff, you know? From my own personal perspective, I’ve never minded all that much, as despite what all of you may think, I’m really not a size queen. My motto has always been, so long as it works…it’s in…no pun intended. 😀
But the thing about dating profiles I find most perplexing are these guys who claim to be there For Chat Only – the ones who state they are only there to meet people and possibly find a relationship. Now let me clarify that I don’t give a damn what people do or why they do it. If you like banging a different dude every night, that’s cool by me, just say so. I’ve never been the judgey type, I swear. If it makes you happy, I’m all for it. Just don’t get pissy with me if I decline.
Perhaps it’s my fault, and I’m merely frequenting the wrong chat sites, but what I find slightly disturbing are these guys who say they’re only there to chat – yet the first question asked is, how big is your cock and would you like to come over and do the nasty? Now let me make one thing perfectly clear – anytime a guy wants to stick something inside me, I’m ALWAYS flattered. And I mean like…ALWAYS. 😆
Seriously, I cannot think of a better compliment, lol.
However, despite the realization that I shouldn’t, as it’s the nature of the gay beast, I still find it difficult to understand why I get hungry cock-mongers 
messaging me to begin with because my profile always states that I’m not there to hook-up. It makes sense I suppose, considering these boys usually have the same listed on their profile and apparently don’t mean it. I guess that makes me the idiot. It couldn’t possibly be some sort of reverse psychology nonsense could it? Would stating, Now boarding all passengers up my ass, 😮 be the super-secret phrase which would mean never getting hit up for sex? Probably not, but I’ll admit to never having actually given that one a try.
I have nothing against The Hook-Up, in theory. It makes for quite the nice fantasy when I’m having my special Ethan-alone-time. 😀 The reality for me however, has never been able to live up to the fantasy. I just don’t do well in a live-action sexual setting with a total stranger. I get nervous, which leads to clumsiness and bad coordination. I’m all elbows in the face and other forms of odd, spastic gymnastics. I literally fell off the bed once after going back to a hotel room with a cast member from the traveling production of Beauty and the Beast. He wasn’t starring as the Beast, but I imagine he felt like one by the time I was through ruining his evening, lol. It’s the kind of shit that often makes for comedy gold in my style of romance, but is seldom a turn-on to Mr. One-night Mike. The moral I have learned over the years, is that until I get to know the guy, it’s safest for everyone involved if I drink heavily before attempting any sort of 9 ½ Weeks kinda mojo. An admission meant to clarify I’m neither pious nor holier-than-thou, merely a spaz.
Another thing I find hysterical about the online chatting community are these guys who use photos of themselves naked and spread eagled with their assholes thrust into the air for their profile pics. What is up with that? Your way of pictorially attempting to tell the world you’re actually an asshole? I’m praying it’s merely an individual’s way of stating they aren’t looking to fulfill anything outside of their bung-hole, as I’ve yet to see any asshole I’d enjoy staring longingly at across the dinner table. I strongly suspect these are the same types of guys who do moronic things such as bleaching their assholes. It’s disheartening and a sad, sad commentary on our times to discover that asshole bigotry is on the rise! Is this truly all people have to worry about and if so…can I swap lives with them?
Since I didn’t want to leave you with the impression that I’m all asshole and nothing more, I figured a quick tidbit about the other side of the coin wouldn’t go unappreciated. But unfortunately cock pics don’t seem to be faring much better with regard to the online dating world. Let’s just say I have a deeper appreciation for professional photography after checking out some of the pricks in people’s profiles. Proper lighting really is everything. 😎
These musings are merely some of the little oddities which I find amusing and confusing when it comes to the men who are of the gayness. I imagine some of you have your own head-scratchers, some with lists longer than others I’d venture to guess, 😆 . I invite you all to share them with me here, should you feel inclined to do so. Sharing is caring after all.
Much Love
Ethan Day
LOL Ethan, Let me just say that the lesbian world of online dating is JUST as scary. Where everything MEANS something else, because so much time is spent reading in between the lines. hehe, good luck though, as a fellow Missouri resident, I am feelin your dating/ or lack thereof, pain.
Thanks CarrieAnn! Between the lines or not, we should just be happy people are reading, right? : ) Half the time I don’t seem to appreciate the things that come too easily, so it’s likely a good thing finding the right guy/gal is tough. Best of luck to you as well!!!
Other Ethan–I totally agree with you about the online dating. A whole other world for sure.
I do have a different stance on the one night hook-up, however. It’s too bad we don’t agree on that. Think of all the fun we could have at GRL! :flirt:
LMAO!! I’d likely be up for it Other Ethan (pun intended), but you’d be risking life and limb! Well…okay some minor scrapes and bruises is probably worst case, but still…people take a lot of pictures at GRL! I’d hate for you to look like you got mauled by mountain lion. : )
Love. This. Post. Ethan, you kill me. 🙂
Here’s some of what I found curious…
1) What’s up with the married men asking if you can be “discrete?” What? Um, I never put out there that I aspired to be a home wrecker. I mean, yeah, you may be cute…but the whole “other woman” thing kinda kills it for me. I’ve seen enough after school specials to know that it never ends well. It’s creepy. And WHY are they asking in the first place? Really? You’re MARRIED.
2) I got SO tired of: “are you straight acting?” WTF does that mean? I just asked one guy “you mean, do I hang out at Hooters? No.” No response. HAHAHA
3) The “curious” comment. As in “I’m new at this and ‘curious’ what it’s like.” Again, WHAT? I’m not a bite sized sample being hawked at a local COSTCO for your try-before-you-buy-taste-testing pleasure! Find someone else.
Hi Brian! Thanks…glad you enjoyed/commiserated with me!
As far as the whole married man thing goes, I’ll quote Luke Landon from my Coming Soon book(insert shameless plug here), Second Time Lucky – Coming Soon from MLR Press as I think he says it best:
“I preferred my men 100% gay. Not curious, bi-curious, not even one of those six-beer queers. Life brought me plenty of problems without adding that nightmare to it. I was way too good in the sack to waste it on some head case who’d deny it ever happened. I worked hard to suck the honey, so you best damn well treat me right!”
Straight acting is stupid. Why not just say, Please Be Fake. It’s less insulting but says the same thing. : )
And I’m not even going to comment on the ‘curious’ guy. Sounds like jail bait to me. Just…run.
Ethan you’re a riot. I loved reading about your bartending experiences, I didn’t know a smile wasn’t just a smile. 😀 (I’m ONLY smiling :P)
Good luck on the dating scene, I hope you find a good man
😀
Thanks Lily! Gay Bars are odd little places…SO many things inside aren’t exactly what they seem. ; )
This post rocks, so much fun 😀
Have fun hunting for Mr. Right 🙂
Thanks Majken! I’ll keep looking if nothing else. Glad you enjoyed the post!!! ; )
Ethan,
Another fantastically funney and yet simultaneously profound post. It’s true that the dating waters are full of sharks, but every once in a while you find an angel fish. 😀 Too Much? I wish you luck in reeling in the catch you so justly deserve. Okay now I know I’ve crossed the cheese line. :doh: See you in ABQ!!!!
Cheers,
Trina
I love cheese, Trina! So thanks for both the sentiments and the cheddar ; )
Ethan, you’re so damn funny! 😀 You’ve made my day, so I really thank you.
My favorite quote: “Bartenders are like superheroes, saving the world from blabbering drunkards one blowjob at a time.” 😀
Thanks Cleon, drunkards are very hazardous so it really is a public service being provided to society that doesn’t raise your taxes. Happy you enjoyed the post! : )
Your way of pictorially attempting to tell the world you’re actually an asshole?
I almost chocked on my coffee here. I think that gay or straight, we have “all the wrong places” in common. At least, the doublespeak of on-line dating is similar. Hopefully, at the wrong place and at the wrong time, you’ll find the right guy. 🙂
Thanks LadyM! And hey…I’ll take the right guy at any time. Happy to hear online assholes are universal, gender & orientation be damned! : )
Yep, it seems like online dating whether hetero- or homosexual is much the same. Boy, I’m glad I’m done with that! Good luck to you, though!
Happily I can take the unpleasant experience and twist it into something that’s hopefully entertaining if nothing else, Barb.
Loved this post. Thank you……. but please reassure me that the bleach thing is some kind of urban myth. 😮
Don’t get me started, Raine…and I mean that sincerely, lol! It’s literally one of the most ignorant things I’ve ever heard of before…and damn it, I’ve heard A LOT!
Well, as concerns dating sites, I can tell you that it’s the same problem on “hetero-land”!
Men put totally incredible photos! (I have met some George Clooney, Johnny Depp, and Richard Gere!!!) but more important than the photos, are the comments! They all look for a woman to love and their most used adjective when describing themselves is: FAITHFUL
Who will really believe it? Wake up, we don’t live in Noddy’s country.
well, what I mean is that it seems to me that people (both hetero and homo) only put attractive things on their profile, but when you start exchanging e-mails you see that they lie and that their only purpose is to date a lot of sex partners .
But, as you said, maybe there are sites which are different, so if you can give me a name, I’ll be happy to try it! LOL.
finding a man for a night is really easy but finding one to keep is hard, no matter the sex you are.
good luck for “your quest”!
Thanks mona!!Best of luck to you as well. It’s not as if I believe myself some sort of catch. I have more issues than I care to mention, but I’d be willing to! : )
LOL Another fun post, Ethan. Thank you.
Seems even when I look in the “right” places they still end up being wrong. *sigh* I hope all this grueling research leads you to your one and only. 🙂
One guy I met online told me he looked like Mel Gibson (which he kind of did in the highly photoshopped thumbnail image) and was a professional cyclist. I was just a rookie but we met up for a long ride along the coast anyway. Every half hour I had to stop and wait for “Mr-Pro-Cyclist-Who-Didn’t-Look-A-Lick-Like-Mel” to catch up – huffing and puffing and beet red. When we finally ended our four-hour ride, he lit up a cigarette. Uh… 😕
Next!
That’s f’in hysterical! Well not for you perhaps, but it’s hysterical to me!!! LOL! And looking like Mel these days wouldn’t exactly be a plus, so consider yourself lucky! : )
You crack me up Ethan. 😀
I hope your recent foray into the murky dating waters are going well.
And I can you the hetero arena is just as bad these days.
I haven’t drowned yet, so thus far I’m taking that as a win, lol. Thanks LM! : )
Ethan-
Hysterical. I’ll admit to bleaching my teeth, but there are some body parts that I can’t even imagine subjecting to chemical alteration 😯 On-line dating. Sigh. It used to be you could only lie to the other drunks at the bar, but thanks to the internet, you can now lie to the whole WORLD. I think I could marry the first man whose profile admits that he has a little middle age spread, only makes enough to afford an old honda, and really can’t perform more than once a night, despite the fantasies. Now that’s a man I could trust. 😆 Oh well. Good luck to us both!
I feel ya, Andy. It’s never easy filtering through the bullshit, but it makes that rare profile where the individual has gotten creative with something other than the facts all the more interesting. Until Mr. Right we’ll just have to make due with what’s available. : )
I’m ALWAYS flattered. And I mean like…ALWAYS. 😆
Seriously, I cannot think of a better compliment, lol.
OMG, Eth…you do have a way of looking at things, and I know just what you mean. LOL. :whistle: I remember back when I was a lot, lot younger and in the bar scene, :drinkin: I had a friend who would get sooo annoyed and righteous when she got hit on. :sceptic: Really? She was either acting or very short-sighted, lol. Always tossed ’em a “thanks” myself. :yes:
And thank YOU :wave: for your usual awesome post. :kiss: Love ya bunches and good luck out there. :eazy:
Thanks Devon! Being wanted by a guy, even as only some place to stick their woody, is a plus in my book. : )
Oh, noes, look what I was missing while slaved to my keyboard.
This is an awesome post, I love it, Ethan, thanks for sharing. I haven’t laughed this hard in ages.
😀
Thanks Naaju! I never tire of hearing I’ve made someone laugh, makes me feel incredible! Hugs, darling. : )
I didn’t think I be able to find anything to laugh about today but, thankfully, you proved me wrong. :hysterics: Loved your post.
Thank you Linda! That’s certianly one situation in which I’m always happy to prove wrong. : )
Oh, my! This was hilarious! I have never tried online dating but I have heard of these issues! I have actually been to a gay bar, though. I went with my friend and his boyfriend… *sigh* It was wonderful to dance! The bartender was very nice, maybe because I did not hit on him and left a tip that did not include an allusion to a dick. (That was the tip my friend gave 😀 ) Thanks for the great post!
I’m so glad you liked it, Juliana! Going to the gay bar with your gays…a time honored tradition. : )
Heh-heh. WAY late to be commenting, but RL is kinda crazy at the mo’. *blushes*
Sadly, the gay online dating life (or experience, whichever works) sounds remarkably like the straight one. *hee*
Loved the whole post except for one thing. How could you possibly call him “Mr. One-Night Mike”? Because to be honest, my mind immediately went to nicknaming the imaginary bastard as “Mr. One-Night STAN” (but maybe that’s just me being punny *hee*).
Anyway, thanks for the laughs, Ethan. See you in October… again. Um, if you want to wear a disguise, I’ll totally understand. 😛
~Tis