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So you think you want to write M/M fiction …… by Sammy

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I knew I was crazy to let her loose on an unsuspecting world but I couldn’t resist! Sammy is like crack to me — the good kind, like chocolate. When she pitched this idea of a kindergarten teacher trying to write M/M I thought …. how bad could that be? Well you’re about to find out amidst the nursery rhymes and sex toys. :sex4: :blush:

Wave

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Sammy sat at her computer, sweating proverbial buckets, attempting to write.  In a move she would later describe as “the moment I lost my F**K**G mind, she had agreed to write a short story for a little anthology project currently running over at Goodreads.

“Piece of cake”, her friend Shaz told her.  (Of course it was piece of biscuit or something like that cause everyone knows those d*mn Aussies never use real English!)  “Believe in yourself,” her friend Kaje (I wrote 5000 words during the half hour layover in the airport) Harper told her.

But the most encouraging response had to have been uttered by her former gay best friend Rick,

“Have you gone completely batshit crazy?”  Along with,

“Please tell me you are not going to write more of that man-root crap!  I told you before, we gay boys call it a c**k!”

Meanwhile from their bedroom, Freddy (loving partner of former gay best friend!) yelled encouragingly,

“Don’t listen to him Sam, he calls it Mr. Wiggles!  Speaking of which babe, (yes, Freddy is still yelling) is Mr. Wiggles coming out to play tonight?”

Sammy heard a sharp intake of breath and then,

“Gotta go, Sam, good luck and all that crap!”

Sammy looked at the phone in her hand and threw it down in disgust. She could do this!  She could write stories about manly bits and make them sound plausible—she was a writer for god’s sake!!  Granted she normally wrote children’s plays but how hard could this whole m/m fiction thing really be?

Sammy wiped her sweaty brow, took a swig of her second gin and ton…er…cup of coffee, and began typing:

Jack:  Jill?  (shaking Jill by the shoulder)  Jill, c’mon wake up!  You have to help me. Oh No!  Jill where did the bucket go?

Jill:  (groggily) Jack?  Wha…wha…what happened?

Jack:  We fell!  Now get up and help me find that bucket!

Jill:  Jack?  I think I may have hit my head on something.

Jack:  So did I but you don’t see me complaining.  Now FIND that bucket!

Jill:  (angrily) I’m hurt Jack!  How can an old bucket be more important than that…than me?

Jack:  Because Jill, that bucket has the last of my condoms and lube in it and Peter Piper and I have a date later and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some stupid fall down a hill keep me from getting in his ass tonight!

(WHAT!!!!  Wait just a darn tootin’ minute there!  This is a classic children’s rhyme—and as such should be considered sacred!  Let’s try this again!)

The Butcher: (sitting with his back to the other two men) Oh man, the tub has another leak!   Hey Baker throw me that tube of hand cream would ya; I think it’ll fit right in this hole.

The Baker: (gasping) Can’t…right…now…kind of…ah…ah…ah…b-b-busy.

The Butcher:  Oh, okay well Candlestick maker can you toss me that tube?

Candlestick Maker:  Ah, baby, so tight.

The Butcher: (still with his back to the other two men) Yeah, that’s the point, it should fit good and snug right in this wet little hole.  (waits a beat then says) Well, ya gonna help me plug this thing or not?

Candlestick Maker: Ah, ah, ah cumming!

WHOA!  OMG!   Sammy was at her wit’s end!  She had no experience writing m/m fiction!  And the deadline for the short story was coming up fast!  Why oh why had she let her friends talk her into this??

She turned to the only place she knew where she would hear the unvarnished truth about whether or not she could actually make this transition from children’s playwright into author of m/m fiction.

“What in the hell are you doing calling me again!  I’ll have you know Mr. Wiggles is very unhappy!”

(And from the bedroom)  “Sam, sweetie I love you but you’re killing me here!”

“Do you hear that Sam?  You’re killing Freddy!  Now for god’s sakes what is so important that it just couldn’t wait another 30 minutes?”

(Again from the bedroom) “Oh please another 10 minutes max!”

“Shut up in there or no more Mr. Wiggles for you, bucko!”

“Ok Sam, spill it!”

And I did!  On and on and on, about how I could never possibly write m/m fiction.  How there were so many great authors in this field already.  How I could never be as good as any of them.  When I was finished, my former gay best friend said something that most assuredly moved him smack dab back into gay best friend status!

“Sam, everyone of those authors started out with an idea in their heads and a gut full of butterflies, just like you.  You’re a good writer!   So now go, get back on your computer, and tell them one of your stories.  You can do this!  I believe in you!”

My heart was in my throat.  Such kind and loving words. I could feel my confidence soar!  As I hung up the phone I heard his final sweet words,

“Do you think she bought that Freddy?  God, these heterosexuals are such hard work!”

But I was no longer listening.  With a spring in my step and images of boys “doing it” dancing in my head, I sat down at the computer and began again…

Little Bo Peep:  So, Mary, Mary, I’d really like to plow your garden!

Oh dear…?

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Sammy would love to hear any loving words of encouragement you might have or any “my god, did I agree to write that?” stories you might like to tell her!  Or, really anything you’d like to share, including your grocery list cause Wave won’t let her do another post if you people don’t pony up with some comments!  Rick and Freddy thank you in advance for helping take this lunatic (aka Sammy) off their hands!

Author

Sammy

A mature woman, gracefully growing older, who lives with 12 cats and talks to imaginary people--had ya going there for a minute didn't I? I am an avid lover of all things m/m who delights in occasionally teasing Wave!

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36 comments

  • Now, now Sammy, everyone knows it’s you Yankees that have murdered the English language….lol!

    Still love you though!

  • I always thought there was something suspicious about those three chaps sharing a bathtub!
    (Of course, once I grew old enough to understand about sex and its many variations, I just assumed they were having a threesome!)

  • OMG I will never be able to read a nursery rhyme again without snickering. 😆 I loved your post and can’t wait to read anything you write about. :reading1:

    • Excuse me Linda–could you say that a little louder—WAVE???–did you hear what this wonderful girl just said!! (Psst–Linda–good job!! Your check is in the mail 😉 )

  • Oh this is very Erm…educational Sammy thank you. You see I never heard of most of these nursery rhymes in its original form. Mine were all in Russian :), having grew up there and all that. Thank you for helping me fill in another cultural hole as I call them ;). But now I know what I can read to a four year old :). On the other hand… Maybe not. Too funny.

    • I know Sirius–aren’t you glad Wave brought me on here to “class up the joint”??!! :hysterics: LOL!!!

      And can I just say I tried like the dickens to include: Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater! :evilgrin: Just could not get it to work–such a shame!

  • Sammy,

    As serious sounding as my words can be after reading your hilarious essay, I want to assure you, and Wave, that whenever you get to the point of writing and publishing an m/m story, I will be one of the first in line to buy it. How is that for encouragement?!

    • Wouldn’t it be just so much fun to convert all those old nursery rhymes to a more, er…uhm…adult version?? :evilgrin:

  • I’m sure I know some of these rhymes, I just can’t recall them at the moment
    They were still funny as hell 😉
    Have you published anything m/m or is it still in the future? Didn’t quite get that, but I wanna read it

  • So, if Jack and Peter Piper had a thing going, whose horn would Little Boy Blue blow? (OMG, try saying that after a glass or two of vino!)

    • Please Hambel—baby steps, baby steps—m/m is hard enough (pun intended) m/m/m…well now that may require another phone call to current :sex2: gay best friend, Rick!

        • LOL!! You know he IS real–right? They have been partners for almost 22 years! I have known Rick since I was 6–went with him to tell his parents when he came out–and yes–he does talk like that–well maaaaybe I exaggerated a tiny bit!!! 😆

  • I think Wee Willie Winkie and Jack-Be-Nimble’s candlestick were seen in a compromising position over that way.*points helpfully*

    • LOL!! Yes but did you know that “wee willie” moniker is mere myth–after all why else would Jack be so nimble???!!! 😮

  • Sammy I’m right there with you. I’m about two-thirds through my GR submission story and several times over the last week I’ve said to myself, “Oh no, why did I agree to this?!!” 😯

    And as for you, I don’t know what your GR story is about, but you SERIOUSLY need to write an M/M where one of the characters is a writer, currently writing a dirty coffee-table book of old nursery rhymes–what you wrote above was hilarious and I think we need to read more of them!! 😀

  • Oh Sammy, we all come to a point where we just give in to the voices. Sounds like you’re there!

    Congrats on finishing the story. Cannot wait to read it. With you writing and Susan prompting, it cannot fail to be delicious. <3

  • Looking forward to reading what you end up with, Sammy. Not enough humor in m/m writing and I, too, think you have a real voice.

    Mind you, should you ever decide to set one in Australia make sure you run it by Shaz and I first. The great outback Aussie gay romance is yet to be written.

    Might give a whole new meaning to the term “drop bears”.

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