As you may know, I’m ever on the lookout for fearsome epidemics coursing through the world of m/m romance. A few months ago I brought you my plea for writers to become job-creators by giving their unemployed protagonists something to do.
Now I’ve come to you once again with this shocking news: cluelessness has now reached an all-time high in m/m romance.
I’m not talking about characters who are TSTL—that would be an entirely different post that I’m not sure I’m smart enough to tackle. I refer instead to characters who do not seem to understand that as gays they face discrimination. In most countries they are not allowed to get married and in a few special nations, may actually face the death penalty just for expressing their sexuality.
One would think that, given the propensity in m/m for angst, these clueless characters would be all over-thinking about their inequality. But weirdly, hardly any protagonists ever seem to notice it.
And I don’t just mean thinking about politics. I am constantly shocked by how little many m/m protagonists—especially the “alpha” males—consider their own physical safety when entering a situation. While you might say, “But Nikki, having a character get beaten up for being a fag is so cliché.” And it is. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still happen. More than that it doesn’t mean that the characters would not ponder, before going into any random sports bar, lowrider convention or boardroom, how likely they are to be attacked either physically or verbally should they choose to reveal that they are gay.
Because, I’m telling you, every real gay thinks about this. Even the stupid ones. Even the ones who only vote to legalize gay marriage because they “love sucking cock” takes a moment to assess an unfamiliar environment, person, nation or state for its apparent level of hostility against gays.
They have to, because that level of hostility will affect their lives in fundamental and immediate ways.
Recently, Washington State, where I happen to reside, voted to legalize gay marriage. That is awesome. But I encourage readers to take a moment to ponder that from my perspective: millions of people whom I have never met were asked whether or not I should be allowed to get married.
How weird is that?
Let’s imagine the scenario in another context. Let’s ponder a world where I got to vote on whether or not, say, tall guys were allowed to get married to ladies who were more than six inches shorter than them. The very idea is surreal and absurd—the stuff of science-fiction dystopia.
And yet that is the world that real-life gays and lesbians inhabit.
Permit me to briefly describe my own personal efforts to get married. The first time was in Portland, Oregon. In 2004 Multnomah County, in an act of civil disobedience began issuing same-sex marriage licenses. My wife and I drove down there to participate. My logic went something like this: This is never going to work out, but what if they started allowing same-sex marriage and nobody showed up for it?
So we went. We joined 1,700 other couples who’d also decided to take Multnomah County up on their offer. The atmosphere at the courthouse was Superbowl-like. Newly-married couples exiting the judge’s chambers walked through a gauntlet of cheers and high-fives from strangers waiting their turn to experience the novel experience of the civil wedding.
Later that year, when we received a letter from the judge saying that our marriage had been annulled, we were not surprised.
But the rejection of millions of people who I had never met still hurt—much more than I thought it would. (And yes, the county did refund the forty dollar fee.)
After that my wife and I tried again. In 2008, we married in San Mateo, California. The very famous Prop 8 put that one on hold only a couple of weeks later. Once again, the faceless millions had considered our relationship and found it unworthy.
Back in our home state of Washington, we decided to go ahead and enter into a registered domestic partnership. We paid our money and were issued cards stating that we were legally entangled. When I brought the card to work, one of my coworkers was deeply confused, “What is that for?” he asked.
“It proves I have the right to make decisions about my wife—like if she were in the hospital or something.”
My coworker looked at his own newly-minted wedding ring and said, “But wait, do I need a card to make decisions for Lydia? Do I have to prove that I’m married?”
“I doubt it. I think they’d probably just believe you.”
My coworker sat in silence for a moment then said, “That is messed up.”
And it was.
But back to clueless characters and how they can be made more realistic. The first and most important thing to remember is that because gays are widely despised even the least political of us will be aware of the laws governing the state in which we reside. So if a writer sets a story in, say, Nashville, the protagonist should be aware that his state bans same sex marriage, does not allow hospital visits or adoption, and offers no legal protection from housing, employment or education discrimination. One bright spot for Tennessee: they have a hate crimes law. But otherwise the Volunteer State offers little support for its gay residents, essentially saying, “We can’t actually kill you, but we’re determined to prevent you from seeking a wide variety of other everyday happinesses.”
While not always front and center, this knowledge should run like an undercurrent through his character, informing the protagonist’s behavior. The Nashville-dwelling homo will be more cautious than his New York City counterpart in revealing the details of his private life to strangers. He will be more cautious when it comes to his safety. And unless he’s got a really good reason to stay, he very well might consider moving to a state that offers him more protection from the condemning millions who voted to bar him from legal marriage.
Avoiding cluelessness does not mean that a protagonist must constantly be dismally aware of his inequality or downtrodden. The recent reversal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, combined with the legalization of same-sex marriage in Maryland sets the perfect stage for a romance set in the United States Naval Academy at Annapolis. Uniforms! Sailors! Gratuitous use of Old Bay Seasoning! Secret weekend getaways to exquisite Baltimore!
Alternately, a story set in Maine in early 2012 has a natural crisis and resolution. The protagonist, inflamed by defeat in 2009, could turn activist. As part of the aggressive door-to-door campaign he could meet the reclusive (and possibly closeted) love interest whose own gradual self-acceptance echoes the changing views of Mainers. How triumphant would that be? And of course it would naturally include lighthouses and lobster rolls. Perhaps even actual head given at West Quoddy Head. The sky is the limit here.
Washington State has its own share of magic. When young state senator Troy Miller asks billionaire internet magnate Arthur Dahlgren to support the passage of R-74 he has no idea that the wedding he’s fighting so hard to make a reality will be his own.
I mean, this story practically writes itself. Late nights working shoulder to shoulder. The elation of election night made even more spectacular by a proposal on bended knee! And no story about the Pacific Northwest would ever be complete without prominently featuring at least one geoduck.
The most important thing to remember is that character cluelessness can be cured. All it takes is a few minutes of research and little bit of common-sense extrapolation.
Good luck!
For those curious about the laws governing states where they plan to set stories, The Guardian has assembled a very nice and informative pie chart here:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/interactive/2012/may/08/gay-rights-united-states
Thank you so much for writing this. It’s amazing how many people don’t realize how prevalent the discrimination is. I’m not just talking about the M/M genre, either. Nine times out of ten when I tell somebody that gay men are still not allowed to donate blood, the person is shocked.
Good afternoon, Stephani!
I know, right? It seems a real waste of perfectly good and much-needed blood to me.
Thank you for writing this! And thanks for relating your story. One of the reasons I loved Tigerland by Sean Kennedy is because how painfully his characters are aware that they still cannot get married. Just something that sadly is still a reality in so many places. 🙁
Hi Sirius,
Nice to see you. Tigerland, huh? I’ll have to go look it up.
Nicole
You’ll have to read Tigers & Devils first – a different kind of M/M romance. Both books are reviewed on the site so you have no excuse. 😀
Argh, I had this really long reply written and then my phone rebooted 🙁
I’m not good with words so in case I don’t get it put together again, thanks for this post
I feel your pain, Majken. I’ve written a couple of really long replies to the comments on this very post and then the cat stepped on my laptop and deleted them.
Anyhoo, thank you for coming by. I’m happy to be of service.
Nicole
Most straight people don’t realize how difficult it is for gays to get the most basic rights that we take for granted. Many rights that are denied include getting married, adopting, visiting one’s partner in the hospital, making life and death decisions for your partner, or just walking on the street holding hands where someone may decide that you’re not allowed to live because of your sexual orientation.
As Stephani said, even donating blood is denied gays. What a sad commentary on the world in which we live.
Hey Wave!
Yeah, I’d actually forgotten about the blood donation thing until she brought it up. It’s actually hard to keep track of all the things my gay brothers are not allowed to do. Way more than I’m not allowed to do because they are men and therefore barred from a whole swathe of child-interaction activities that single women can engage in without suspicion of being child molesters.
Thank you for this informative post, Nicole. It was insightful, and with your usual delightful humor. And thank you for sharing some of your own story.
Hello Susan,
You’re very welcome. I’m happy you stopped by. I’m also glad that you enjoyed my own story. It’s not really that interesting, but I felt it at least illustrated the sort of journey we, the marriage-seeking homos have been on over the last decade or so. 🙂
Thank you for your insightful post, educational and upsetting especially after checking out The Guardian’s graphic, a cold visual representation of bigotry.
Glad to see you Raine!
I didn’t mean to upset you. Yeah, I guess the graphic is sort of shocking, but its also fairly accurate. Sometimes the research writers must do turns a little grim. But hey, just think of what the graphic looked like 10 years ago!
MUCH more dismal. That in itself is a reason to celebrate. 😉
“I’m telling you, every real gay thinks about this.”
Sadly, true. Even living in the very supportive state of Massachusetts, I am always aware of what kind of crowd I am in. I don’t fly a rainbow flag and I don’t put one on my car. 98% of the people I deal with are fine. Most are even understanding. Problem is, you never know when the 2% are watching.
Greetings Reno,
Thank you for stopping by.
I don’t have a rainbow sticker on my car either. But that’s because I’m already married and needn’t seek mates by signalling to randomly passing vehicles. 😀
Also my car is SO UGLY that having it represent the LGBT community might actually damage our chances of ever being taken seriously.
(And honestly, I’m not joking. People have refused to ride in my car out of embarrassment.)
Thank you, Nicole, for writing this and for sharing your story. I have always found the discrimination faced by the GLBT community abhorrent, but this post made it real on an everyday, personal level.
Hi kiracee,
And thank you for coming by to read it!
Honestly, I’ve found that most discrimination in the United States–whatever kind of discrimination–takes place in banal, everyday ways. Many acts are so minor that they’re hard to notice, even while they’re occurring. But these small obstructions pile up on top of one another to create enormous barriers to happiness.
That’s why I think its important for m/m writers to really make an effort to at least understand the laws where their stories are set.
Thank you for the article, Nicole. And a BIG thank you for the link to the Guardian’s chart on GLBTQ rights in the states. This brings up a perspective I hadn’t thought of before. A gay person in Iowa is going to have a lot more opportunities than a gay person in Arizona, and if the two of them met their personal history will differ greatly.
Unfortunately, I live in Nebraska. I’m a big supporter, have a rainbow button on my bag that I carry around. But when I join my mother for group bible readings I always remember to take the button off so I don’t embarrass her in front of the rest of the group.
Hi Kim!
Thank you so much for commenting.
Did you know that I was born in Scottsbluff, Nebraska? We moved to Colorado when I was eight, but eastern Colorado, so not far from the natal state at all.
So I understand about what life is like there and how you would not want to embarrass your mother in front of her church friends. Respectability still matters a lot in the Cornhusker State and no allies will be made by there creating a feeling shame or alienation.
I predict discreet person-to-person chats will be the only way to open any hearts. And even then it may take a long time. Maybe years before being openly gay–or even openly talking about gays in a favorable fashion–will be common.
But at least ballots are still cast in secret, right? 😉
I do recall you saying you were a Nebraska native in a comment from a previous article, but you did not specify where. Welcome fellow Nebraskan!
Respectability that conforms to the Catholic norm, certainly. It’s… interesting listening to a room full of people comment on how the sanctity of traditional marriage is being violated, and having to keep your mouth shut. There is a certain amount of guilt in that, knowing I’m keeping mum on an important issue. But that seems to be the environment of a conservative church group. They follow the leader and the leader says what goes. Thankfully in other places in Omaha that is not the case.
Case in point, the button on my bag is a rainbow saying “I support Queer Superheroes”. The place where I chat most about glbtq rights in a favorable manner is the Krypton Comic Book store during their monthly Art Jam. Discussions amongst geeks of all sorts and across the straight and glbtq spectrum. There I have found allies with a more than welcoming atmosphere.
I wonder if people who write gay men and women with little in the way of social obstacles are trying to set an example for straight individuals. Saying “this is an example on how to treat a gay person – like anyone else” and hoping people get the hint. Comic books are starring more queer heroes, so maybe the people that read them will adjust their attitudes to follow their example?
“I wonder if people who write gay men and women with little in the way of social obstacles are trying to set an example for straight individuals. Saying “this is an example on how to treat a gay person – like anyone else” and hoping people get the hint.”
Well, I don’t know. Maybe? I could see how that would be true. But from an artistic perspective, that approach seems sort of didactic.
Personally, I’ve always been what could be called a “method writer” in that I try to apply the principles of method acting to character creation. But I suppose that’s only one way of looking at creating characters for storytelling. I’m sure there are others.
If we’re talking about people who write queer superheroes, though I happen to be personally acquainted with Marjorie Liu, writer of the famous “gay wedding” issue of Amazing X-Men. In her portrayal of a gay wedding she directly alluded to her own parents’ (straight, but at the time controversial) biracial marriage. She, at least, was more thinking along the “love conquers all” throughline.
One can only hope that readers follow their example. 🙂
Great post, Nicole. And so very right on. As was your coworker’s comment. Messed up, indeed! Being part of “other” can’t help but color your awareness in every aspect of your life.
I’m still waiting (impatiently! :strike: ) for the day my parents can legally marry here in California. And, better yet, have that marriage be recognized at a Federal level.
Good Evening jeayci!
So happy to hear from you!
Yes, it’s true that otherness does tend to constantly seep around the edges of awareness. But I suggest otherness itself is not always negative. Often it’s just… different. Not good. Not bad. Just not exactly the same as everybody else.
Awareness of specific otherness is a crucial part of character development, though.
Best of luck to your parents! It’ll be a nice day when we can all be equally equal regardless of state lines. 🙂
Yes, it’s true that otherness does tend to constantly seep around the edges of awareness. But I suggest otherness itself is not always negative. Often it’s just… different. Not good. Not bad. Just not exactly the same as everybody else.
I agree completely. 🙂 Sorry if my comment made it sound like I was suggesting anything else. It’s been a long day. :yawn:
Nah, you didn’t sound anything but good. 🙂
Yeah, but what about speculative fiction, including gay utopian fiction — which is kinda what M/M is, right? I don’t necessarily want gay characters to feel angsty about their gayness, because part of why I read fiction is to escape from the real world. I understand that some folks can’t relate to gay characters who don’t feel this angst. For example, a lot of gay men complain that yaoi is unrealistically utopian; sometimes this utopianism is a result of the author being ignorant about real-world discrimination, but other times it’s an intentional vision of the author. It’s not always easy (for me, at least) to tell the difference.
Hey, there you are! Nice to see you.
Egalitarian societies in spec fic are a whole other ball of wax. It’s impossible to have a law research fail in a place that the author makes up the laws for, you know? In secondary spec fic the characters have other internal and external conflicts (or they should, since it would be boring for them not to) and the gayness is often incidental.
But in the post I’m not talking about angsting endlessly over their own sadness, I’m talking about the author inserting a crucial two or three sentences into a novella that demonstrates he understands that he is not universally loved (which only an idiot would think in the contemporary world.) Something like:
“Trent considered whether that biker bar in Deming was the best place to be sporting the rainbow flag T-shirt…”
And then the author can make a decision. He can write,
“But he did it anyway. He was feeling lucky. And besides, he was also packing.”
Or he could say, “So he pulled on his hoodie. He had other battles to fight today.”
That really is all I mean. One or two sentences. Maybe fifty words tops. That’s why I’m so baffled their absence in so many pieces of fiction.
Yaoi….. Well, yaoi is unrealistic for so many reasons. (LOL) But honestly, I challenge you to claim that you have never thought. “It’s interesting that all those burly yakuza don’t seem to care that they take orders from a boss who is really, really super gay. How super-enlightened.”
m/m that is yaoi-based is probably exempt from the “character must notice not everybody likes gays” rule, since yaoi itself is a whole other reality.
Great post…so true! This is another part of life that needs to acted out on page and discussed.
The other part of the healthcare issue is Insurance. I don’t see this mentioned very often. As I’m reading more stories where one MC is hospitalized or diagnosed with something, who is paying for the insurance? All couples deal with health coverage. In my family, one of us has a job where full coverage for the family is available. The other is a contract worker so no coverage. I feel very fortunate that we have the option to be linked this way and to be allowed to work as a team.
Well, I’ve gone on long enough. Thanks for the post!
For the USA-ers– May all your turkeys be moist… Happy Holiday!
Hi Reggie,
Thanks for coming by. Good point all around.
Happy Holiday to you too!
I think some authors are just a little clueless. For my first book, my original story line was going to be my protagonists marrying so that one of them would’t be deported. Yes, I know. I didn’t realize at the time how far DOMA reached.
I think it worked out in the end (I went with a different cliche trope from the movies, the “I need to get married to inheirit” one).
I try to keep the tone light in my books (they are humorous thrillers after all), but even with that there are still scenes of homophobic behavior by people around them. Like being denied the right to see your husband in the hospital, or losing friends when they catch our protagonists kissing. Stuff like that can happen in even the most enlightened areas of the US.
Also, thanks for the article!
Hi John,
And thank you for commenting!
“For my first book, my original story line was going to be my protagonists marrying so that one of them would’t be deported. Yes, I know. I didn’t realize at the time how far DOMA reached.”
Well, you know… The states rights vs. federal mandate is tricky and sometimes hard to navigate. But maybe not forever. 🙂
Thank you, thank you, thank you. As a reviewer of gay historicals I come up against this problem more times than I like to count. I’m not saying that every book should be a catalogue of prison and punishment – heavens forbid – but SOME tinge of danger should be lurking there rather than your average homosexual Victorian passionately snogging his love interest in the street.
Hi Erastes,
You’re very welcome. And thank you for stopping by.
I’m sorry it took me a day to reply. It was a holiday here in the states.
And yes, I agree, in a historical context a complete lack of self-preservation would be very, very strange.