Every year about this time my bestie, Rick and his partner Freddie host their annual Halloween Party…their GAY annual Halloween Party…their “we’re inviting every gorgeous available single gay guy whom we will then secretly rate and salivate over” gay annual Halloween party. I am the token MSSF (married straight scorekeeping female). You think I’m joking? This year I have been informed I am to prepare a spreadsheet on Excel just for the purposes of keeping notes.
However, before you all think I’m living the high life every Hallow’s eve, think again! Breaking the GGPC (gay glass party ceiling) was no easy thing. That’s right, being the first MSSF to have gone where no F has ever gone before? Let me tell you, people, it was groundbreaking stuff! I remember that very first time I received my invite in the mail. I was so touched that my boys had thought to include me—they love me you know. Of course! What’s not to love? (Uhm, that was a rhetorical question and should not be addressed in the comment section below.)
Now, where was I? Oh yes, that first time… (Cue misty fog and ethereal music as we take a trip into Sammy’s memories).
I stood by my mailbox, all a quiver, as I clutched the bright pink envelope in one slightly sweaty hand. This was it! The holy grail—the invite to beat all invites! I rushed into the house grabbing the phone as I giddily kicked my cat off the sofa and hit the speed dial button. Then, the magical, “click” and I was connected to gay central, otherwise known as my bestie’s love shack!
Me: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!! I got it—I got it! Oh what am I going to wear? How many hot gay guys are there going to be? Should I bring anything? Appetizer? Booze? Extra condoms? Oh hahaha silly me, you guys have cases of those!!!
As I rambled on in that cute way I have, I could almost feel the love and happiness pouring off my best friend, Rick. His next words were music to my ears.
Rick: Oh dear god, I am going to kill him! Freddie? Did you send her an invitation to OUR party?
Freddie: (Other best friend and cutest darn partner in the whole wide world) Well, what was I supposed to do? She was standing there crying and getting all the envelopes wet as you forced her to hand print our return address on them! So I slipped in one to her—sue me! Jeez, what a queen!
Me: You know I might have a hot little red number to wear. I mean, who doesn’t have a hooker outfit in their closet just dying to be worn? What do you think, should I…
Rick: Queen? I’ll show you queen! You can just go pack your little bags Mister and move in with the ho bag on the phone! (If the thumping on the phone was any indication, I think my bestie was referring to me in that loving way he has.)
Freddie: Oh please, as if you could go without all of this for even one hot damn minute! I’ll be in the kitchen. When you get off the phone you can come play hide the sausag…
(I lost the rest of what Freddie was saying but I think they were going to do some sort of cooking thing when Rick got off the phone! Those guys sure did love sausage—they had it like almost every night!) Then Rick was telling me how he wanted me to come and enjoy myself at the party and stay as long as I liked!
Rick: I gotta go! Goodbye. Oh, and as for the party you’re allowed to stay for 30 minutes then I’m throwing you out so the fun can begin.
Sigh. Such a good friend he was!
Now, the key element to making a good impression on the gays is to have a killer costume and bring an hors d’oeuvre that looks fabulous but no one eats. What? They’re gay for god’s sakes, they haven’t eaten since they were old enough to join the fifth level of hell that is the gay dating scene—everyone knows that! Sheesh! Anyway, I quickly abandoned the whole “lady of the evening” ensemble as just too risky. After all, I did not want to be the one who turned some guy’s boyfriend into a “straight for you” cliché!! What? It could happen—have you never read a gay romance for god’s sake?
It took me only a few days and some intensive research on a “what to wear to wow them this Halloween” website to come up with the perfect costume! That evening I arrived fashionably late and with cocktail wieners in hand, again simply vibrating in excitement! I can still remember the way Rick gushed over my costume. He, of course, was dressed as a Doctor, with gloves on and everything! Apparently my dear friend was going to spend a good portion of his party performing a public service by giving free prostate exams…golly he was such a wonderful host, not to mention so safety conscious!
Anyway, I can still recall his first reaction when he saw me!
Me: (humming under my breath, “you say po-tay-toe and I say po-tah-toe”) Hello? Rick? Freddie? Is anyone going to answer the door? I brought the wienies? Hello?
Rick: (yanking open the door) What in the hell do you want…oh my god, you have got to be out of your pea-sized brain if you think you are coming in here looking like that! Oh dear lord, you are going to be the death of me. No, absolutely no.
He LOVED it!! I knew he would! Obviously he couldn’t wait to show everyone what I was wearing but suddenly there must have been a freak gust of wind cause the door started flying shut. Luckily I got a foot wedged in there before it banged completely closed! Then all it took was for me to throw myself against the door several times and I was in! And let me tell you the boys in that room nearly dropped their white wine spritzers when they got a gander at me!
There I was, covered head to toe in aluminum foil with a hat made from cotton balls and yellow construction paper! Yes, you guessed it—my very first gay Halloween party and I came dressed as a BAKED POTATO! The cotton balls and yellow paper? Why sour cream and butter, of course!
I was the hit of the party! They quickly gave me my very own special place to sit—in the front coat closet—it was so crowded you see and Rick wanted to make sure I had plenty of space or as he put it:
Stay the hell in here so I don’t have to deal with your particular brand of crazy tonight. Oh dear god, a root vegetable, she came as a damn root vegetable. I am never going to live this down.
Yes, that’s my bestie! Always thinking of me. After all, we all know how alluring baked goods are to starving gays—and since I was already dating the number one hubby to be, I certainly did not want to have any embarrassing “straight for you” incidences to deal with, let me assure you!
All in all, it was the best first gay Halloween party of my life!! I even got to eat a cocktail wienie or two. Unfortunately I never did get to play any of the party games. Sure would have like to have joined in that “hide the sausage” game. Apparently all the gays like to play that one! Who knew?
Well, there you have it! Thanks for taking this trip down memory lane with me! So, what was your first Halloween party like? Did you get to play any games? Do tell…
Oh and from all of us, me, Rick and Freddie, Have a happy Halloween!
Sammy
😆 I couldn’t stop laughing. I think this is your best yet!!! Poor Rick and Freddie — they have my deepest sympathy at having such a friend as you. 😮
You’re the best. 😎
Teehee. Sammy, you crack me up.
Before reading this, I came prepared ( I was a girl scout for a whole week back when dinosaurs roamed the earth). With no coffee and sitting on a towel (they don’t seem to make adult diapers in my size or shape, at least not at Target or Walmart). I love the way you write and you can lift me out of any state of gloom. Thank you Sammy, you’re good people!
OMG, Sammy! So glad I was able to read this while working from home, because I never stopped laughing out loud! Thanks for the memory. 🙂
LOL! :hysterics: Wonderful piece, Sammy. Thanks! :bravo:
Too funny….
OMG Sammy, you are hilarious! That was fabulous.
OMG, Sam, that was great! ((Halloween hugs)) Now my question is, do you think Freddie might have saved a picture from back then? And how cheap do you think I can get Rick to send it to me?