The photos that accompany this post are of guys I think are hot and I couldn’t find a reason not to include them – believe me, I tried. As far as I know they are not bi-curious although some of you probably wish they were. 😆
This post is partly fun and a little bit serious but it’s not about using someone else to find out if you’re gay, bi or hetero. This is simply a discussion about sexual curiosity so please, no morality lectures. 🙁
A couple of weeks ago I wrote a joint post with Damon Suede called Gay For You or Out For You. So many of you commented and there was such a lively discussion I decided to go one step further (or backward) 🙂 and talk about bi-curiosity, because a lot of straight people seem to be bi-curious.
How do you know if you’re bi-curious? I guess it’s like dipping your toe in the sexual waters to find out if you can swim upstream. 😀 😯 To put it another way, this is when you sample the chocolate mousse when you’re on a diet. Another way of explaining it in food terms – it’s like biting into a small piece of steak even though you’re a vegetarian. 
Hopefully you can come away from the experience without gaining any weight or feeling guilty. :blush: It could mean that you’re just questioning your sexuality and when/if you satisfy the urge to check out the grass on the other side you go back to your old life as a hetero. Others may love the experiment so much they decide they are really bisexual or gay.
Apparently some straight people (men AND women) want to find out what it’s like to have sex with someone of their own gender, and a many of them are courageous enough to admit they like to be touched “down there” by a member of their own sex. :scared: 
I had never heard the term “bi-curious” until I started reading a lot of gay romances a long time ago. I did a bit of research for this post but there was hardly any mention of this topic until much more recently – maybe over the past 8 – 10 years (your research might vary).
One site traced bi-curiosity among men to the metrosexual trend several years ago which made it cool for straight guys to look just as hot clothed as their gay counterparts. I’m not sure if straight men ever achieved the suave, cool, sophisticated, “put together without any effort” look of gay guys. You may remember those glory days, but alas I think they went the way of the do do 
bird.
Some men apparently traced their bi-curiosity to wanting to feel what it was like to go down on a man or have a man give them a blow job. Since guys know exactly what gives them the most pleasure in a b.j. and know how they want it done, straight men figure it would be hotter to do it with another man than with a woman. Do men really give better head? I guess straight men want to find out whether they have been short changed or missing out on something their gay brothers have down to an art form. 🙂 One essay that I read suggested that men are more curious about giving oral sex and receiving anal. Who knew? 
Many men do not pursue their bi-curiosity because they’re scared of what they’ll find out about themselves once they cross that line, as that would definitely be pushing their heterosexual boundaries and remove plausible deniability. However some braver souls do go all the way, and I mean ALL THE WAY.
Some surveys suggest that so called straight people who are really gay play down their interest in the “wrong” sex by pretending to be bi-curious because this way they can stay in the closet forever. Others may be genuinely unsure about their sexuality and figure that this is a way to 
find out if they really prefer to play on the same side of the pool long term, or if it’s just a phase.
So have you ever been bi-curious? If so, have you pursued that curiosity and have you been rejected or welcomed with open arms or legs? 😆 Bi-curiosity is not as far fetched as you may think and it’s not restricted to randy teenagers. Apparently adults are jumping on the bi-curious bandwagon now that more people are self-identifying as being gay or bi-sexual.
I asked author L.A. Witt to talk about her experience with bi-curiosity as a follow-up to her comment on the original post about Gay For You Or Out For You, and here’s what she said:
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My Experiences with Bi-Curiosity by L.A. Witt
Up until I was in my early twenties I didn’t understand bisexuality. I didn’t realize that it wasn’t actually required for someone to either be straight or gay. There was middle ground. There were people who didn’t just lean one way or the other.
That said, I considered myself 100% heterosexual. Understanding bisexuality or not, I was simply not attracted to my own gender. Boys were just fine with me. I certainly thought women were beautiful, but…not like that.
The switch flipped when I was 23. It wasn’t an inkling that had been in the back of my mind for a while, or some inevitable thing that everyone was aware of except me. I didn’t get the occasional “wow, why am I looking at her like that?” thought. Women simply didn’t do anything for me until that point.
When I say the switch flipped, I’m not kidding. I remember the girl, the place, the date, everything. It was literally a single, defining moment that opened my eyes, dropped me on my butt, and made me say, “OMG. GIRLS.” No, I won’t go into detail about it, but take me at my word: One girl, one moment, and…wow. Yeah. Color me bi-curious.
To say it was jarring would be quite the understatement. There’s nothing quite like being an adult—a married one, no less—and suddenly having to redefine your sexuality. Especially in a culture that worships labels, defines people by their sexuality, and needs to organize everyone into neat, tidy little categories, it’s unsettling to call such a significant part of your identity into question. We’re all supposed to figure this out as teenagers, right? I mean, who makes it past the teenage years without definitively figuring out which gender(s) attract them?
But there I was, 23 and getting weak in the knees over a woman for the first time. And then other women. Even some women I’d known for years and never thought twice about. My attraction to men didn’t diminish in the slightest, but once that switch was flipped, no amount of denial changed the fact that I was, without a doubt, attracted to women.
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I have no idea what percentage of men or women take their bi-curiosity to it’s ultimate conclusion, so I’m enclosing a poll (that is anonymous) which might help in determining how many of the bloggers who drop by this site really act on their bi-curiosity and if so, how far they’re willing to go:
P.S. I hope you liked the guys. 🙂
[poll id=”21″] [poll id=”23″] [poll id=”24″] [poll id=”25″] [poll id=”26″] [poll id=”22″]
Fascinating topic, Wave. I first heard the term “bicurious” when I was a teenager, and it seemed the perfect term for me to describe my own fascination with the other girls, while still being able to assure myself I was straight (vital in a staunchly Christian household like my own). It wasn’t until I was in my early twenties at university that I succumbed to a heady cocktail of gender politics and illicit substances, and finally managed to overthrow my inhibitions enough to act on my attraction. After that, I wasn’t able to hide behind the idea of being “bicurious” anymore – I was finally out to myself.
These days as I’m married to man, most people assume I am straight. I don’t tend to disabuse them of that notion unless I know them well enough to be fairly sure they won’t judge me for it. What might surprise you, though (and is possibly a topic for a different post) is how much biphobia you can still find within LGBTQ circles. I’ve seen many a comment made on gay forums with the general attitude of: “bisexual women are only pretending in order to turn on their boyfriends”, or that we are in some way less queer than “proper” lesbians. It makes me sad. There must be many “hidden” bisexuals out there – if you’re in a het relationship, people assume you’re straight, and if you’re in a same sex relationship, people assume you’re gay. Unless you have one partner of each gender, change partners all the time or go around wearing a badge, you tend to get ignored.
I think being bi is fabulous, though. I get to perv over people of both genders and I enjoy porn and erotica of every possible orientation. That’s got to be a good thing 😉
Josephine
First of all thank you for responding to this post and for being so frank.
You’re absolutely correct about the “either or mentality” and the fact that bisexuals are not awarded the respect given to heteros or gays. I have a few bisexual friends (male and female) who started out as bi-curious because they wondered whether “Is that all there is?” They decided ultimately that being bi-sexual was what they really were.
I had no idea that LGBTQ people were not accepting of their bisexual brothers and sisters. I guess bisexuals are invisible to them. Maybe if they were more visible and came out things might be different
I agree about the perving although these days I limit mine to hot guys. In my misspent youth I would have agreed with your comment about perving on both sexes. 🙂
Don’t get me wrong Wave, many LGBTQ people are perfectly accepting of bisexuals, but within the more politicised part of any movement you tend to come across rather vocal people with an axe to grind, and a certain amount of in-fighting and backstabbing.
This is why I mostly steer clear of very politicised people these days – I had enough of them in my youth with the left-wing environmentalists (the more extreme of whom will critise everyone else in the movement for not being radical enough), and I just can’t be dealing with interacting with people whose thinking is that black and white.
I don’t really believe in binary definitions of sexuality – I think we’re all somewhere on a sliding scale from dead straight to completely queer, and very few people are right at the extreme points, if they are totally honest with themselves. It’s just much harder to have a simple discussion about sexuality without those binaries.
I suppose bisexuals are threatening to some who are used to defining themselves as being at one of the extreme ends of the scale.
What a smart post, and a thoughtful discussion in the comments!
The bi-phobia in the queer community has always pissed me off, but it only began to effect me directly when I entered my “bi-curious phase” at age 41 or 42, and started dating men for the first time since my high school boyfriend.
I still think of myself primarily as a lesbian though.
Sorry Josephine: I hadn’t intended to append the above to your comment, though I do agree and sympathize with a number of your points!
I was so bi-curious I ended up marrying a person of the same gender 😆
Wow Leslie. First of all congratulations. 😀 Second, I guess that’s taking your bi-curiosity to its ultimate conclusion or destination. Would you be considered bisexual now?
I’m never very sure what label to stick on myself, tbh. As Josephine said, there are problems with identifying as bisexual as so many people seem to think it’s not a true orientation but somehow ‘fake’ or you’re really gay but in denial about it. I fall in love with a person rather than their gender. This can be really difficult to explain and a lot of people can’t seem to get their heads around it. If I had to choose an orientation I’d say I was bisexual because I still like perving on the opposite sex 🙂
I completely understand where you’re coming from Leslie, having met a few people who feel exactly like you do. Human sexuality is probably the most difficult area in the spectrum of the human condition.
I think it’s wonderful that you found someone you love who loves you back regardless of their sex. Go you. 😎
The girls never did it for me and, considering my age, they probably never will. I say probably, because there is wisdom in “never say never”. :DX: Because they never did it for me, I was never bi-curious, but there were a few friends along the way who were and who either decided that “Nah, that’s not for me” or embraced their bisexuality. I noticed that both groups were happier once they satisfied their curiosity. 🙂
Like Josephine, I find it sad that bisexuality is generally ignored and sometimes even rejected by both straight and gay people. I think it’s wonderful when your own nature doesn’t limit your choice of partners and when you can enjoy and participate in the best of both worlds.
As for the guys, can I take Shemar Moore home? Since all my choices of Friday Guys were already taken. Pretty please? The first (eyes!)and the third (smile!)guy are candies as well. 😀
Hi LadyM
I can’t believe that gays would be judgmental about others considering how difficult it is for them to be a part of society. Re straight folks, I figure that they don’t want anything upsetting the delicate balance of how they view sexuality so bi-curiosity or bisexuality would be outside the “norm” for them and they probably want to keep it that way.
Isn’t Shemar Moore a hottie? In order of appearance the guys are: Tyson Beckford, Enrique, Marcus Patrick, Rob Lowe, Prince, Shemar and Enrique again (couldn’t resist). 😀
As a woman in her mid-30s, there’s no doubt whatsoever in my mind that I am all about the guys. While I may admire a beautiful women, it is has never been sexual desire. But, I will say that I have recently found myself fantasizing about being with my best friend sexually. We are very close and she is so very pretty. Nothing will ever happen between us because she is 100% straight, happily married, and wild as I am about guys. So far though, no other women has me sexually curious at all. So I can’t help but think my feelings are simply a result of our close relationship, a “gay for you” kind of feeling, maybe. If she were to ever give me the slightest indication she might be interested also, I really don’t know what I would do 😕
I really enjoyed reading LA Witt’s personal experience on this subject. I’ve noticed she includes many bisexual characters in her books; it makes sense now, why 🙂
Oh, Wave, and thank you for posting a pic of one of the hottest hotties ever…Enrique. I can just eat him up! :delic:
Hi Daanquai
You probably share the view of a large proportion of women who had never desired someone of their own sex but could change for that one person. Most people go through phases at different points in their lives and your friend may find you attractive sexually at a time when you’re no longer interested.
L.A. was very frank about being attracted to both sexes and you’re right, that explains the number of bisexual people in her books.
Don’t you just love Enrique? I had to post his picture more than once. lol
(Sorry I’m WAY late getting caught up on this thread — typhoon knocked out our internet for a couple of days, and it’s amazing how far behind you can get) Anyway…
“”I really enjoyed reading LA Witt’s personal experience on this subject. I’ve noticed she includes many bisexual characters in her books; it makes sense now, why””
Yep, this is exactly right. 🙂 My characters aren’t based on me by any means, but I kind of…I don’t know, relate to bisexuals better than anyone. And I sometimes feel like they’re underrepresented, so I do include them in a lot of my books.
Back when I was 20 or so a friend and I went to a Lesbian bar. She knew I was straight but how could I say no to a new adventure. I was totally ok with dancing with a girl and kissing one – why not? I knew I wouldn’t go home with a female but if the stars aligned and I liked and she liked why not? Today, as far the world is concerned I’m a married straight female that has a serious thing for cute guys with bangs, but I do reserve the right to crush on a female.
Most of us seem to have sexual adventures with friends of the same sex in our teens and early twenties, but by the time we reach our late twenties most of us figure out our sexual orientation. Maybe you will find a female to crush on after you get tired of the cute guys with bangs Luci. 🙂
I went through a period when I wished I was bi, because I thought a relationship with another woman would be easier and closer (my lesbian friend assured me it is not so). Also I think it is cool to be flexible and open to people. But I just couldn’t get interested.
Hi Charming
Obviously you are a straight shooter. BTW I don’t think any relationship is easier than the other – people always manage to screw things up. 😀
I feel the same way… lol. I have problems building intimate relationship with men, but have close friendship with females very easily. Alas, the thought of getting touched or touched by woman down there… and up here too, make me ugh… no, I am straight all right. lol. I do admire and can spend a lot of time staring at pictures of beautiful woman and I admit sometimes I feel .. hot, seeing those pics. 😀
But researches have proven that women sexuality is more fluid than men so I am not surprised to see so many bi-curious women.
Hi Cleon
I think, too, that women are more forthcoming about their sexual orientation, and they are probably not as concerned as men about what others think. I find that men are very concerned about their image and the perceptions of colleagues in their workplaces, as well as the reactions of family members.
I was pre-teen when a female friend of mine started to want to “experiment” with kissing and,ah, rubbing bodies – with me. If I remember her story was that she wanted to practice to be ready for boys 🙄 That must have sounded plausible to me because I went along with it for a short time. She started obviously getting more “into it” as time went on and I was… not – so I told her and backed away from the friendship. Apparently she had affirmed for herself that girls tripped her switch because I found out later she was definitely a lesbian. Hey, glad I could help 😀
I consider what I had done with her to be a normal pre-teen curiosity about sexuality in general. I am now 40ish, and have never felt the urge to get sexual with any female in waking moments, in fantasies or in dreams. If it ever happened I would be surprised but hey, who knows? Meanwhile, bring on the men :eating:
Pre-teen is kind of young for sexual experimentation, even if it’s just rubbing and kissing. Your friend was obviously much more developed than you were and knew her orientation even then.
Never say never, no matter how old you are. I’ve read about people in their later years switching, so maybe some day we’ll read about you. 😯 In the meantime enjoy the Friday Guys. 🙂
My husband’s bi but he’s totally gay for me 😀 His curiosity, though, came about when he found himself attracted to a girl for the first time while in college. 😕
Thorny
Jazz is definitely gay for you and I doubt he even remembers the girl(s) he dated. 🙂 Bi-curiosity hits people at different stages in their sexual cycle and it’s no less valid if you’re a teenager or in your 40’s. I’m so happy that you and Jazz found each other when you did. 🙂
My boy is out about being bi. (I’m still in the closet, though he knows all my dirty secrets) He gets considerable flack for being with me as if it invalidates his queer identity somehow. He says it doesn’t matter and he’s not interested in playing stupid politicized games. I believe him, but I can’t help feeling like I’m holding him back and it makes me so sad sometimes. 🙁
Everyone comes out at their own speed and in their own time, so there’s no need to feel guilty Cally. What’s important is that your boy is out and he loves you. I wouldn’t let what others say bother you. 🙁
Aww, thank you for being so sweet… and the super cute pics 🙂 I try not to get too down about what I can’t control. Though I suppose that’s why I prefer writing to the ‘real world’ – then again, writing about sexy boys always makes me want to stay in my fantasies 24/7 😉
“”He gets considerable flack for being with me as if it invalidates his queer identity somehow.””
This drives me crazy. We live in a society that worships monogamy, and yet when a bisexual person is monogamous, people act like it undermines our “claims” of being bisexual. >.< I mean, what am I supposed to do? Divorce my husband because he makes me look too straight?
I don’t understand this at all! One of the first conversations I had with my husband was him letting me know he’s not gay but bi. I was like, OK that’s different but whatever. He, though, felt he needed to “confess” early on in case I had a problem with it. Ridiculous! I just don’t get it because he’s absolutely wonderful. What happened to the tolerance we all want? It’s not supposed to be conditional.
And I’m going to find some of your books now, L.A. I like you 🙂
Isn’t it crazy? Ugh. Drives me batty.
And thanks! 😀 Hope you enjoy my books!
Lori
Interesting article. I noticed a lot of people commenting about how some groups don’t recognize bisexuals (or bi-curious), and I have to agree. Of course, that gets even more muddled when you’re gender-queer, pan-romantic and possibly asexual (to an extent, at least).
Funny story though, I knew I was attracted to same and opposite sex in high school, although I never really thought about it (I just was never exposed to the idea of same-sex attractions) until college when my friend told me she was bi and I had a light bulb go off that I was too. And then it evolved from there.
Isn’t it amazing how friends play such a key role in coming out or helping our bi-curiosity to crystallize? Most of the comments on this post seem to indicate that our friends and their reactions to our gender issues have a lot to do with how we perceive our sexuality.
Rowan McBride, who I interviewed a couple of years ago, identified herself as gender fluid and I had no idea what that was until she explained it. So there are many sexual forms that are unknown to most of us.
Up until my mid-twenties, I thought of myself as a lesbian. I pictured myself living with a woman, lost my best childhood (female) friend when I came out to her, compelled brave, nolens-volens acceptance from my parents (…”as long as you’re happy…”) and had my heart broken by my first big love, a woman twenty years older than I. That was until I met my man. Unlike what Josephine described, for me it wasn’t an epiphany; he wooed me for months without me even realizing it. (I was a lesbian, remember? How could I be interested in a man?) Eventually, he somehow wormed his way into my heart with…everything he was. We’ve been together for eighteen years now, and although I still like to look at women, that’s all I do these days: look. And so does he. It’s actually fun checking out girls together… :blush: :censorship:
No, I don’t want to cater to the old legend that lesbians only need the right guy to turn straight. It’s just what it was like for me – I fell in love with a person who just happened to be a man.
Feliz
Your story is similar, yet dissimilar to LeslieS’s. He fell in love with someone of the same sex and gender didn’t matter. In your case you went from being a lesbian to falling in love with a man who captured your heart. Which proves that whoever we are, I guess love sometimes overcomes the most rigid barriers.
BTW we all suffer heartbreak but most of us somehow manage to overcome it and move on, like you did.
Isn’t it fun to ogle both men and women? 😆
Y’betcha! 😀
“”We’ve been together for eighteen years now, and although I still like to look at women, that’s all I do these days: look. And so does he. It’s actually fun checking out girls together…””
lol My husband and I do a lot of girl-watching together too. It’s fun. 😀
Feliz, I love that line “I fell in love with a person….” To me, that sums up so much in relationships in whole. I fimly believe that you can’t help who you fall in love/lust with.
I’m as straight as the high heel shoe on my foot, never even thought about another women in that way, so I’m a a straight shooter.
Wave, what does gender fluid mean?
In simple terms “gender fluid” means you wake up one day as a man and the next day or days as a woman. Here’s my question and Rowan’s response during our interview:
Me: “You identify as gender fluid which means, in its simplest form, that you’re partly female and partly male. In your case I believe you said that you were male most of the time. Without going into too much detail can you explain how this works? Are you a transsexual? How did you figure this out before you knew what gender fluid was?”
Rowan: “For me, gender is a spectrum. While I don’t fully identify as male OR female, for the most part I hang out on the masculine side of that spectrum. But I do flow back and forth, which is where the term “fluid” comes in. I don’t have a choice on how I feel any given day, but I’m past the point where I try to suppress the feminine in favor of the masculine and vice versa.
I don’t identify as a transsexual person. It is my understanding that a transsexual person’s gender does not match their body at all, so they have made or are planning to make a permanent transition into the body they should have been born with. My gender is fluid so this isn’t a viable solution for me.
For most of my life I tried to fit the binary. Boys are boys. Girls are girls. I turned a part of myself off and focused on being what everyone wanted me to be. I was an honor student all through elementary and most of high school. I fell asleep during my SAT and still got accepted into many colleges. I learned how to do logic problems the night before my LSAT and got into law school without any trouble. When I look back on things, I know I tried to sabotage myself in dozens of little ways and just couldn’t quite pull it off.
Finally I got sick enough to land me an extended stay in the hospital and, wow, it was the first time in years I had a chance to breathe. I took the time trying to figure out what I wanted and what I liked, and realized I didn’t know myself very well at all. Somewhere in that whole process I was telling someone close to me that, hey, I liked being a man and I liked being a woman. Is that weird? It was the first time I’d said it out loud.
After a little more talking, that person asked me which I’d rather be. I blinked and realized I couldn’t choose and, more importantly, why did I have to? I remember being pissed off at the world for a while.
But, yeah, I suppose that was when I figured it out before I knew what gender fluid was. ”
More people are gender fluid than you probably believe. 🙂